Why Didn’t You Tell Me?

Summary: What did Seishirou whisper to Subaru before dying? Knowing the truth, Subaru treats the other man’s wounds and when Seishirou heals physically, that’s when they deal with the emotional wounds
Warning(s): Spanking; spoilers for the anime X/1999; AU; violence; references to canon character death; sort of unhealthy relationship
Pairing: Subaru/Seishirou

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Tears ran down Subaru’s cheeks as he cradled Seishirou’s limp body in his arms. He’d spent so long wanting vengeance. Spent so long hating the other man. But he’d loved him, once. And while he was still so angry, still hurting so much, he could feel that love he’d shoved down so deep, it had been overshadowed by the hate.

Maybe that was why the wound wasn’t fatal. It was serious and Seishirou would die without it being treated, but while he was unconscious on the ground…his chest still rose and fall, indicating he still lived.

Subaru could ignore it. He could choose to hold onto the older man, or even let go, and watch his life drain away with his blood. No one would blame him. No one would even know that he’d made the choice to let the older man die.

No one would know…apart from him.

Subaru could feel them watching him. The rest of the dragons of heaven. Maybe even the dragons of earth, although he couldn’t see any signs of them.

But he couldn’t look at them. None of the others could make the decision for him. It had to be his alone.

Seishirou’s body was heavy. It was a struggle to turn him over, to get to the wound that Subaru had left on his body. His own bandages weren’t suitable enough to bind Seishirou’s wound. If he wanted the older man to live, he had to make himself uncomfortable.

“I should let you die.” Subaru whispered the words, confident in the knowledge no one would hear him. “Do you think you can make everything right by confessing to me? By saying those words?” He tore strips of fabric from his own shirt, choosing material free from dirt and sweat. He pulled back from Seishirou and began to bind up the wound. “This doesn’t mean I forgive you,” he informed him. Seishirou couldn’t hear him, was too far gone for that, but saying the words made him feel less like he was desecrating his sister’s memory by saving her killer from death.

Even if he knew that she wouldn’t want him to die. Wouldn’t want Subaru to let him die.

Another pair of hands reached out to hold Seishirou’s body still and Subaru looked up and into Kamui’s eyes. The other man nodded to him. “You won’t be able to get him to the hospital alone. Not without drawing too much of the wrong attention.” He reached out and took the fabric from Subaru, binding it tightly around the wound in Seishirou’s chest. The wound that Subaru had given him.

He watched as Kamui bound the wound tightly, making sure no more blood would be lost, then moved to grab Seishirou’s shoulders while Kamui lifted the older man’s legs. Letting out a quiet grunt, Subaru lifted and the two of them carried the bigger man between them, heading to the nearest vehicle with him.

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Subaru hadn’t ended up staying at the hospital with Seishirou. He’d hung around long enough to make sure the older man wasn’t going to die (and he didn’t know how he felt about that) and to give the doctors as much information about the man that he could. Not that there was a lot. Seishirou had spent most of his time lying to them, after all. Was anything he’d told Subaru the truth? It didn’t really matter now.

He wasn’t very hungry, but he needed to eat. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d had anything to eat. In his small apartment, he collected some ramen noodles and began to cook them on the tiny stove.

He didn’t know where Kamui and the rest of the dragons of heaven had gone after Kamui had helped him get Seishirou to the hospital. After getting the other man to where he could get the help he needed, Subaru hadn’t wanted to see or talk to anyone…and he was fairly sure that the other dragons of heaven had sensed that and so had kept their distance. Which left him with conflicting emotions, because he didn’t want to see anyone. He didn’t want to talk to anyone. But that no one had even tried to talk to him made him feel bad too. It was a confusing mix of emotions and left him with a hollow pit in his stomach.

The knock, when it came, was so soft, he nearly didn’t hear it. But he did and he frowned, narrowing his eyes at the door. Only moments ago, he’d regretted that no one had reached out to him. Now that someone was here, he was sorely tempted to pretend he wasn’t in. To ignore the knock until whoever was outside went away.

The knock came again; just as soft. Light and almost hesitant. Like the person standing outside was worried, perhaps even nervous, about their reception.

If it was Kamui, Subaru owed him gratitude. A debt he perhaps couldn’t repay. And if it was one of the dragons of earth, come to kill him? Well, he wasn’t sure how much of a fight he could put up. But he wouldn’t shy away from one.

Turning the heat down so that there was no risk of fire, Subaru walked over to the door. He pulled it open, mouth opening to…what? Voice a greeting? Ask what the person was doing there? The words died in his throat as he laid eyes on Seishirou.

The man looked like he might have come straight from the hospital. His skin was stained with blood. His clothes torn and dirty. That perpetual smile that had once seemed fixated on his face was gone. Like a mask that had been uncovered. His lips were slightly parted; his face pale. He was breathing hard, like he’d run several miles to get to the apartment.

For once, he wasn’t put together. For once, he looked…human. Ironic, as both of them were far from the ordinary humans that surrounded them every time they went outside. Subaru stared at the other man, feeling…numb. Empty inside.

Seishirou stepped forward. Came into Subaru’s space. And he kissed him, hard, hands gripping his shoulders tight.

Subaru stood there. He didn’t kiss back. He didn’t react. His whole body was as still as if he were a statue. Once, he would have given anything, would have given everything, for this. For Seishirou’s touch. For his love. He’d spent so long trying to deny the truth that the man had revealed to him. The hope he’d kept alive had died along with his sister.

Seishirou pulled back, looking into his eyes. “You saved me.”

“It’s what she would have wanted,” Subaru whispered.

“Is that the only reason?”

Subaru took a step back. “You destroyed me once, Seishirou. You took my sister from me. I have nothing left for you to take away from me.” Moisture filled his eyes. “If I ever had any debt to you, it’s been paid in full. There’s nothing for either of us here. Only despair where I once had hope. You need to leave. I won’t let you live when we meet in battle again.”

Seishirou placed a hand against Subaru’s cheek. “I told you already. I knew you would never try to kill me. That you are too kind.” He looked into his eyes. “I’ve taken a great many things from you, but not that.”

“Not yet,” Subaru whispered.

His hand slid down Subaru’s neck, leaving skin that warmed and burned from his touch. “You heard what I said to you. When I thought I was dying.”

“A dying man will say many things.”

“I was wrong.” Seishirou’s thumb traced along Subaru’s lips. He replaced his thumb with his lips, pressing hard and deep. When he pulled back, he whispered, “I’ve made mistake after mistake. I never realised they were mistakes, though. And when we faced each other in battle, I’d already begun to see myself through your eyes. I’m not a good man, Subaru. I doubt I can ever be a good man. But I love you.”

Subaru wanted to lean into his touch. He wanted to respond to the kisses and caresses. But he stepped back and watched as Seishirou’s hands dropped. “Do you really think it changes anything of what you’ve done? What you are?” The moisture that filled his eyes spilled over his cheeks and he dashed them away with the back of his hand. “Do you really think that you can just say those words and everything will be all right? Everything will go back to the way it once was?”

“No.” Seishirou’s hands went to his clothing. He removed it, slowly, giving Subaru time to watch…time to stop him, even. Eventually, he stood there, naked. Vulnerable. But he didn’t look away. He didn’t lower his gaze. He stood there and he spoke in a low voice. “There are no battles now, Subaru. Do whatever you want to, whatever you need to. I won’t stop you.”

Subaru let his eyes move over Seishirou’s naked form. He stepped forward and he touched his palms to the other man’s naked chest. Let them slide down towards the other man’s stomach. “You are not a good man,” he whispered.

“No. But I still love you.”

Subaru closed his eyes. He wanted to shout at the other man; tell Seishirou that he’d ruined any chance of a relationship between them. That his own emotions had died along with his sister and how could he love the man who’d murdered her? Who’d taken her from him?

“I can’t just forgive you,” Subaru said.

“I know.”

Subaru moved his hands back up Seishirou’s chest. He leaned forward and brushed his lips against the other man’s; pressing in close for a second before he stepped back and then circled round to stand at his back.

There were scars covering Seishirou’s body. Most of them had been hidden by his clothes, but now that he was standing naked in the middle of the hallway, Subaru could see every mark that had been left there. Including the scar from the wound Subaru himself had left. He placed a hand over the ugly mark. “This healed fast.”

“One of the advantages of who we are.” Seishirou stayed where he was, not turning round.

Subaru looked at the pile of clothes on the floor and reached down, pulling Seishirou’s belt from his pants. He doubled over the belt in his hand and braced one hand on the other man’s lower back, then brought the belt down hard across the fullest part of Seishirou’s backside.

The other man didn’t react, other than a slight jerk. Narrowing his eyes, Subaru lashed the belt down a second and third time, each strike hard enough to leave wide, pink marks decorating the other man’s bottom.

Seishirou didn’t really react until the belt slapped against the tops of his thighs and then he grunted softly. Deciding that he liked the signs of the strapping being felt, Subaru began to swing the leather against Seishirou’s thighs repeatedly. Until the tears in his own eyes were making his vision blurry and the belt dropped from his hand. He slumped against the other man’s back and whispered, “I want to hate you.”

“I know.” Seishirou’s voice was slightly ragged. “But you don’t.” He didn’t turn round, but he did reach back and wrap his arms around Subaru’s waist. “If you tell me to leave, I will,” he whispered. “If you tell me to walk out now, you’ll never see me again.”

His hands were warm and Subaru closed his eyes. He pressed himself against Seishirou’s back and breathed in a deep, ragged breath. “I still can’t forgive you, but…I don’t want you to leave.” He whispered the words into the older man’s skin.

Seishirou’s breath was released in a slow, deep sigh and he whispered back, “If that’s all I can have from you right now, I’ll accept it. I’ll accept anything you want to give me.”

He didn’t think it was enough. Not yet. But at least it was a start.

The End