What I’ll Become

Summary: Written for Yujacheong as part of the FandomGiftBox challenge. Anakin gets a glimpse of his future and it makes him realise feelings he has for someone in his present
Warning(s): AU; spoilers for the prequel trilogy of Star Wars; spoilers for the original trilogy; sexual situations between two men; references to canon character death
Pairing: Obi-Wan Kenobi/Anakin Skywalker

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Anakin wasn’t a stranger to nightmares. He wasn’t a stranger to waking up covered in sweat, his heart pounding to the point where it felt like it was going to burst out of his chest. And he wasn’t a stranger to waking up in the middle of the night, unable to get back to sleep because what he saw when he closed his eyes was so terrifying and painful, a sleepless night was preferable to what his own mind tortured himself with.

But this dream had been different. This was him getting a glimpse of the future, of his own possible future, and it had awakened so many feelings and emotions inside of him, he didn’t know what to do with himself. He couldn’t sleep. Every time he closed his eyes, it was to see that future version of himself. The one that had fallen so far to the dark side, Anakin could barely recognize the dark, imposing figure that had cut down the older version of his teacher, mentor, friend.

He and Obi-Wan were travelling back from a mission and it was just the two of them on the small spaceship. Anakin could see outside, into space. The darkness outside made it impossible to see visually whether it was morning, evening, or even afternoon…but the fact that Anakin still felt worn out and drained was a strong indicator that it was still the middle of the night, even if he didn’t keep his inbuilt sense of time in mind.

But as tired as he was right now, he wasn’t going to be able to sleep. Not when he could see himself striking down Obi-Wan every time he closed his eyes. Was the Force warning him of what he would become? What he would turn into? Or was it already too late and his future was set in stone and nothing could save the other man?

Anakin got out of his bunk. He was only wearing his sleeping robe, which left a lot of bare skin uncovered. But as it was only the two of them on the ship, he didn’t bother to get dressed before he slipped out of the tiny room and into the narrow corridor of the ship.

Obi-Wan’s own bunk was directly opposite Anakin’s, but the thought of seeing his mentor and teacher after the dream, after the premonition, he’d had was hard to think about. Even if part of him wanted to check that Obi-Wan was still alive, to check that the dream hadn’t come true (at least not yet), he couldn’t sort out what he’d seen with the reality that he was experiencing right now.

Walking as quietly as possible, Anakin padded along the corridor to the common area. He grabbed a ration bar and a water canteen and sat down on the bench seat at the circular table. He placed both items in front of him and stared morosely at them.

He didn’t know how long he sat there for, glaring at the table and thinking about his future and how he was going to change it and what could possibly drive him to kill his friend? Eventually, his Force sense alerted him to Obi-Wan leaving his own bunk…and when he raised his eyes to the door, it was to see it slide open and the other man walk into the common area.

Obi-Wan slid onto the bench seat next to Anakin. “Bad dreams again?” His tone was low and sympathetic.

“You have no idea,” Anakin admitted, fiddling with the canteen.

“It can’t be about the mission we just went on.” Obi-Wan reached out and took the canteen from Anakin, undoing it and then passing it back. “I thought that went about as well as could be considered. Diplomacy actually worked very well this time.” He chuckled softly. “I can’t remember the last time we were able to resolve something so peacefully.”

Anakin raised the canteen to his lips and took a long gulp. He then picked up the ration bar and began to eat it.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Anakin quickly shook his head, then pointed to his mouth and shrugged apologetically.

“Why do I get the feeling you did that simply so you wouldn’t have to answer my questions?” Obi-Wan asked with fond exasperation, shaking his head.

Anakin swallowed his mouthful and stared morosely at the table. “If I tell you what I dreamed, it’ll hurt you.”

Obi-Wan placed his hand on Anakin’s shoulder, asking softly, “Was it about Qui-Gon?”

It would be really easy to take that out his master had offered. To nod and claim that he’d dreamed about Obi-Wan’s own master. He wouldn’t have to voice the words that could potentially cause so much damage to his relationship with the other man. He could lie about it and try to figure out a way to change the future himself.

“I dreamed of killing you.”

Anakin flinched as the words left his lips without conscious thought or permission from his brain. He couldn’t bring himself to look at Obi-Wan, not wanting to see the shock and horror he knew would be on his master’s face. He made himself carry on talking, hoping that if he shared the vision, then they could come up with a way of preventing it from occurring. Even if that way was Anakin leaving and withdrawing. “It was in the future. A long time in the future. You were old. Grey hair and wrinkles. Still a good fighter, though. Not as good as me.” He dropped his voice to a whisper. Made himself speak the words. “I don’t know what happened to me. The vision didn’t show me that. It didn’t show me how I became that…that monster. I just knew I was. I don’t know the actions and decisions that will lead me to that point. All I saw was the end result. That I cut you down.” His mouth closed with an audible snap. If he carried on talking…he didn’t know what would come out.

Obi-Wan was quiet. He didn’t speak. And Anakin couldn’t feel his master’s emotions through the link. He couldn’t bring himself to reach out. What if he could never feel Obi-Wan’s emotions again? It wasn’t that he wouldn’t deserve that. But he’d grown used to that bond always being there. It was something of a comfort. “I’m sorry.” The apology was inadequate, almost laughably so, but it was all he could think of to say. How did you even say sorry for something you’d done in the future and didn’t even know what had caused it?

“Just because you saw it doesn’t mean that it will definitely happen.”

The words, the response, should have made Anakin feel better. But the distance was still there between them, like they stood on opposite sides of a cliff. He could hear the faintest hint of disappointment in Obi-Wan’s voice; hear the faintest note of betrayal in the words. And being able to hear both of those emotions hurt. Jedi weren’t supposed to let emotions rule them, but how could his master feel anything but betrayed and disappointed after learning about the vision Anakin had had? “I’m sorry.” It wasn’t enough, it didn’t feel like enough, but what else could he say? What else could he do?

Obi-Wan stood up. “It’s late, Anakin. I think we both need to try to sleep.”

“Wait.” Anakin reached out without thinking, catching Obi-Wan’s hand. His grip was gentle, easy to pull out of, but he still tried to stop his master from leaving.

“Anni, this isn’t the best time to talk about it.” Obi-Wan’s voice was gentle. He didn’t pull away from the touch, though. He looked down at their joined hands and then gave Anakin’s hand a gentle squeeze. “You’re right that I’m hurt, but I don’t blame you. And you’re right. You have this knowledge. We both have this knowledge. Forewarned is forearmed. We have a chance to change the future. I just need a bit of time to absorb what you’ve told me.”

Anakin looked at their joined hands and forced himself to let go. He watched as Obi-Wan left the common area and then leaned back against the seat, rubbing his thumbs against his forehead. His head was aching, which didn’t help his sense of guilt. And even if he didn’t have anything to feel guilty about (not yet, at least), that didn’t stop how he felt.

Eventually, Anakin’s body began to let him know he needed to sleep. Keeping his eyes open was difficult. He was yawning widely about every four seconds. If he didn’t move, he’d likely fall asleep where he was sat. And there was no reason for him to stay awake right now. After all, the mission was over and they hadn’t been contacted about any new ones.

Anakin stood up slowly, disposing of the remnants of what he’d eaten and drunk. Then, he headed to the door. He held his palm to the scanner and waited long enough for the scanner to read it and the door to slide open, then he stumbled through into the corridor, hearing the door slide shut behind him.

As he moved towards his own bunk, Anakin allowed himself to reach out with the Force towards Obi-Wan’s bunk. When he sensed that the other man was still awake, he paused…then turned his back on his own bunk and gently rapped his knuckles on the door. At the same time, he reached out through the Force with a questioning note to it.

Come on in, Anakin. As Obi-Wan sent the response, the door slid open, revealing him reclining on his own mattress.

Anakin stepped inside the bunk, hearing the door slide closed behind him. Swallowing, he moved his hands to his sleeping robe and pushed it off his shoulders. It took only a shrug for the robe to fall, the material pooling around his feet.

Obi-Wan sat up, his eyes raking over Anakin’s body before returning to his face. “Anni.”

“I won’t turn into that.” Stepping over his robe, Anakin advanced slowly towards the mattress. He crawled up onto it. There wasn’t really enough space for them both on the surface, but Anakin pressed himself close to Obi-Wan and then he pressed his lips to the other man’s, closing his eyes and grasping the other man by the shoulders.

This is wrong. Obi-Wan’s words echoed in Anakin’s mind, through the link, but his hands came up and they grasped Anakin’s waist instead of pushing him away. Anni, you can’t do this.

Why not? Anakin pressed deeper and harder into the kiss. He slid his hands down Obi-Wan’s chest, letting them pull the robe free of the other man, leaving him clad only in his white undershirt. His hands then slid up under the shirt, touching and stroking the bare skin of Obi-Wan’s chest. It doesn’t feel wrong. It feels right.

Obi-Wan didn’t voice a response. He let his own hands squeeze Anakin’s hips once more and then slid them up Anakin’s back. The kiss became deeper and more desperate before he pulled back to look into Anakin’s eyes, one hand cupping his face. “Are you doing this because you feel guilty? You don’t have anything to say sorry for.”

Anakin shook his head and then turned it slightly to kiss Obi-Wan’s palm. “This isn’t about feeling guilty. I…I want to do this,” he admitted quietly. “I love you, Obi-Wan. I know I shouldn’t. I know it’s wrong. And if you tell me to leave, to stop, I will. I’ll try and pretend that I don’t feel anything and I’ll stay away from you.”

“I don’t want you to leave.” Obi-Wan looked deep into his eyes. “I don’t want to stop this, Anakin.”

“Good.” Anakin grinned and then tugged the other man’s undershirt free. He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Obi-Wan’s chest, over his heart, and then trailed kisses down towards the other man’s stomach. When he reached the underwear, he pulled them down with one hand, freeing Obi-Wan’s erection. He then leaned forward and took it into his mouth.

Obi-Wan’s response was a low grunt and then his hands came to rest one on either side of Anakin’s head.

The bond was fully open between them, which meant that Anakin could feel the tremors of pleasure and satisfaction that went through the other man as he sucked and licked at the erection. And Anakin knew Obi-Wan would be able to feel his own emotions: that he was being turned on by being able to do this. His own erection was growing in response to what he was doing.

A split second later, Obi-Wan’s hand reached down to grasp Anakin’s member and Anakin groaned, his teeth gently brushing over the older man’s erection. In response, Obi-Wan squeezed him and it sent a mindless stream of pleasure through the bond that was reflected back to him. Like a mirror, their mutual pleasure was reflected back at each other, pushing each gradually towards the edge.

Anakin’s release hit him at the same time as Obi-Wan’s exploded into his mouth. His hands tightened on the other man’s body as he held on, not letting go until the last drop was gone. Then, slowly, he pulled back and grinned up at Obi-Wan, before speaking in a serious voice. “I really do love you. I know you can feel it, but I want to tell you too.”

Obi-Wan wrapped his arms around Anakin, drawing him in for a tight hug and kissing his neck. “I love you too. Now…I think it’s time we went to sleep. Don’t you?”

“Maybe,” Anakin allowed, shifting enough to let his naked body press as close to Obi-Wan’s chest as he could. “Can I sleep in here? I don’t want to leave your side.”

“Of course.” Obi-Wan stroked his hair; leaned over to kiss him gently.

Anakin returned the kiss and closed his eyes, sending the words, Maybe tomorrow, we can find what we need so that we can take the next step. He was asleep before he could hear Obi-Wan’s response.

The End