Until I hear your voice again

Summary: Set between First Class and Days of Future Past. The serum starts wearing off Charles
Warning(s): Spoilers for First Class and Days of Future Past; references to violence; minor references to canon character death
Pairing: Very mild, hinted at Charles Xavier/Erik Lehnsherr

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It was hard not to feel lonely.

Charles had spent most of his childhood in that state. Physically, he’d had everything he could have ever wanted. Any toy he asked for, his parents had given him. Any food, or drink…anything that could have kept him occupied and out of their hair, he’d been given. He’d had everything he could have wanted, at least when it came to things. Physical affection had been something else entirely. And until Raven had come into his life, he’d always felt a distance around other people. Around everyone else.

And then he’d met Erik. And they’d become friends. Best friends. Until things had gone wrong. Until Erik had left and taken Raven with him. And then everyone else had left…and the only one still left in the ruined school, apart from Charles, was Hank.

At least the drugs they were both taking had quietened the amount of voices that Charles had been able to hear for as long as he could remember. There was only one voice he really wanted to hear again…and he hadn’t been able to hear Erik since they’d originally parted. Even before he’d begun taking the serum that had allowed him to walk again, he hadn’t been able to hear the only person he’d truly wanted to.

The whole mansion was empty. The students he’d recruited were either dead or missing. He’d lost control of Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters. And not only that, but he’d lost control of himself.

The mansion was a wreck. It was still liveable, but whenever he looked around it, all Charles could see was what was missing. What he’d lost. So he spent most of his time locked in an alcohol-induced daze. Kept his powers suppressed by allowing himself to block out the use of his powers. Most of the time, he was barely aware of what was going on all around him.

Today, Charles had woken with the worst hangover. Normally, he’d treat it by drinking more. After all, one couldn’t feel the after-effects of drinking too much if one just continued drinking.

But when he’d reached for more alcohol, it had been to find that his supply was depleted. Now, it was taking its toll on him. His head was aching and it was only through a supreme wrench of will that he’d managed to get out of bed at all.

He wandered out of his room, wincing as pain shot through his legs, indicating it was about time for him to take another dose of the serum. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, he could hear a hum below the surface. It wasn’t quite at the level of when his abilities were fully awakened, but it was enough to make him realise he didn’t want to let it get to the point of fully drowning under every thought other than his own.

He needed to see Hank for more of the serum. And then he needed to replenish his supply of alcohol.

“I never remembered them being so hard to block out before,” Charles muttered under his breath, as he stumbled along the corridor, one hand braced against the wall for balance and the other clasping his temples. As if holding his head would help with the joint headaches from both the hangover and the voices he couldn’t quiet.

And then he heard the one mental voice he’d never thought he would hear again.

I wonder what they’re doing now.

In spite of himself, in spite of knowing that Erik wasn’t there with him, Charles couldn’t help but glance back over his shoulder. He was alone, of course; but in comparison to the rest of the voices that were plaguing him, Erik’s was so much louder. So much stronger.

And the urge to listen to it was so much harder to ignore.

So Charles didn’t fight what he wanted. The more he focused on his ability, the harder it was to walk. He allowed himself to sink down against the wall and closed his eyes.

His reach wasn’t as far as it once was, but he wasn’t trying to talk to Erik. Just to listen. Because hearing the thoughts of his once best friend was sparking something inside him that he’d thought had died when he’d lost the students. When he’d lost the school. When he’d lost the use of his legs.

He'd lost almost everyone and everything.

Keeping his eyes closed, Charles let Erik’s thoughts wash over him. He didn’t know if the other man was reaching out to him deliberately, or if he was just connecting to the man who’d been his friend, who’d been closer than a brother, who he’d….

Charles pulled his mind away from those thoughts. After all, any chance he and Erik had ever had together had been destroyed when they’d parted. When they’d chosen different sides. And neither of them had changed their stance.

Well. Charles was taking the serum. But that didn’t mean he had changed his views on anything. And judging by the train of Erik’s thoughts, the other man hadn’t changed his own views either.

Still….

Charles didn’t know how long he sat there for. As he listened more and more to Erik’s thoughts, he lost his ability to feel his legs. He didn’t want to hear anyone else’s thoughts, only Erik’s…but that didn’t make a difference. The serum was wearing off and his head was pounding from the use of his abilities more than the hangover was making it hurt.

Charles?

Charles froze at the clear thought that was directed at him. Erik had sensed his presence? He wasn’t sure if he could reach as far as he needed to so that they could talk. He wasn’t even sure he wanted to talk to the other man.

But he should have known that Erik would be able to sense he was there.

I know you’re there, Erik’s mental voice said. I can feel you watching me.

I’m not watching you. Charles finally found himself responding. You were broadcasting your thoughts to me.

If you say so. Erik’s hesitation was obvious as he asked, How are you?

I can’t feel my legs. As soon as he thought the words, Charles regretted it. Erik was holding back, but he’d still felt that stab of guilt. I don’t blame you for this, Erik. I…. He hesitated, but really, how much could Erik use this knowledge against him? His one-time friend was still locked up. He was unlikely to get out any time soon. Hank perfected the serum. It helped me to walk again.

And it suppressed your abilities.

Yes.

Erik was silent for several long moments. Charles opened his eyes and fixed his gaze on the far wall. He took a deep breath and confessed how he’d been feeling since the two of them had parted. I’ve missed you, Erik. My friend.

I missed you too. After a brief pause, Erik added, But I can’t change how I feel.

I know. Neither can I. Charles let his hand rest against the wall. And until one of us can change…I need to survive in the only way I know how.

Then this is goodbye.

Charles blinked and his vision blurred when he felt the emptiness as the connection they’d formed disappeared.

But the buzz from all of the other thoughts was still there…and Charles called out to Hank for another dose of the serum. So he could go back to the numb haze where he didn’t need to feel anything or hear anyone.

The End