To The Grave

Summary: Living a double life takes its toll. When you have so many secrets, sometimes it’s easy to self-destruct
Warning(s): Spanking; spoilers for the Harry Potter movies; AU; references to violence and canon character death; suicidal thoughts and references to self-harm
Pairing: Remus Lupin/Severus Snape
Author’s Note: Just to make readers aware, this fic is focusing only on the movie characters and not the book ones. I fully feel that movie!Snape is more redeemable than book!Snape

 ###

 His life was exhausting.

 As Snape walked onto the grounds of Hogwarts, he found his steps faltering. Leaving the school in the middle of the night, when there was a full moon…when Professor Remus Lupin was teaching at the school…wasn’t the best idea. In fact, most people would consider that it was a dangerously reckless action to take. Of course, those same people weren’t living the same life that Snape was. They hadn’t been responsible for the death of the woman they loved; for turning her son into an orphan. An orphan who seemed determined to finish the job that Voldemort had started when he’d attacked the Potters.

 It was difficult, to be around the students and his fellow teachers. The only one who knew the truth behind what Snape was doing was Dumbledore. Snape knew well how the others all viewed him. Potter, Granger and Wesley, they’d all assumed he was Voldemort’s tool right from the very start. And it wasn’t like they were wrong, even if they didn’t know the full story. Even if they couldn’t know the full story.

 As he walked towards the Dark Forest, Snape rubbed at his arm. Under the sleeve of his robe, it was still sore. Rubbing the rough material against it sent a jolt of pain through him, bringing him out of his thoughts for long enough to consider what he was doing. At the best of times, the forest was dangerous. On the night of a full moon, with Remus Lupin teaching at Hogwarts, entering the forest was tantamount to suicide.

 Snape chose not to look too closely at his own motivations and actions. He just walked into the dark forest, telling himself that all he was doing was collecting ingredients for the next class. And if he was lying to himself? Well, he was more than used to doing that.

 The dark forest was quiet; quieter than normal. It was as if every living thing was holding its breath, waiting. Or maybe just trying to avoid drawing the attention of the predators, especially the newest predator that had made its home there.

 A low growl that sounded behind him had the hairs on the back of his neck rising. He turned round, whipping out his wand in one swift movement.

 Lupin’s werewolf form was thin, almost emaciated in appearance. It was bigger than a human, looming over Snape with drool dripping from sharp fangs. The claws were sharp enough that they would easily tear through flesh; would crush bone without any effort.

Snape’s wand wavered, shaking from side to side, as Snape began to back up slowly, eyes fixed on the werewolf that towered over him.

 Lupin didn’t attack, which meant that he’d taken the wolfsbane potion. That the potion had worked. Of course, that didn’t mean there was no danger. It didn’t mean that Snape’s life wasn’t in danger. Then again, his life was constantly in danger. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt truly safe anywhere.

 But if he lost his life here and now, it would be his choice. He’d finally be able to wrestle that bit of control back. It would take dying to be finally free, but after everything…maybe that was what he deserved.

 But Lupin wasn’t attacking. The werewolf was stood in place, as if Snape had used the Stupefy spell on him. Snape didn’t have to stay. He could walk away. He could leave the forest. If the werewolf wasn’t attacking him right now, then Lupin was in control enough to hold back. And he was likely wondering just what Snape was doing there.

 “I did it.” Snape’s voice was quiet. Barely above a whisper. He was saying the words that would cause Lupin to lose control and tear him to pieces. He knew what would happen. He welcomed it, because it was the only control he had left. The only decision he had now was to live or to die. He continued to speak, before any sense of self-preservation could kick in. “I told the dark lord about the prophecy. She’s dead, because of me.” He didn’t care that he’d been just as responsible for James dying and Harry Potter becoming an orphan. Neither of those were as bad as Lily dying, at least to Snape’s mind. He held his breath and waited for the tearing of teeth; waited for the feel of claws ripping into his flesh.

 Nothing happened and Snape focused his eyes on Lupin’s werewolf form. “What are you waiting for?” he muttered. “I know you hate me anyway. I just gave you what you need to take your vengeance.”

 The wolf still didn’t attack. The two of them stared at each other for what felt like an eternity…then Lupin turned and loped away, back into the forest.

 Snape watched until the werewolf was out of sight and then sighed, not sure if he was relieved or disappointed. He’d hoped that the decision of carrying on would be taken out of his hands, but Lupin hadn’t attacked.

 There was no point in staying here in the forest. Snape hadn’t got what he needed or what he wanted from being there and the urge to make the only choice left to him, the choice of dying on his own terms, was gone.

 He walked out of the forest, heading back into the school. There was nothing more he could do, other than to prepare for his potions lesson the next day. And hope that Lupin didn’t remember what Snape had said to him when the transformation ended.

 Snape was caught up in his lesson preparation and marking the essays from the students-some of which were completely abysmal-and barely noticed as the night passed and it became dawn. He might have carried on working all the way through, until his first lesson of the day…and then there was a knock on his door.

Frowning slightly, Snape put the parchments and quill to one side and rose from his desk. He walked over to the door and pulled it open, fully expecting to either see Albus or Minerva standing outside. Instead, he found himself staring into Lupin’s eyes. “What are you doing here?” he asked.

“I thought we should talk,” Lupin replied. “Can I come in?”

Snape paused, but couldn’t think of a reason to refuse, especially when he knew he’d all but told the werewolf to kill him. He nodded and took a step back from the door, allowing Lupin to enter and close the door behind him.

Lupin turned to look at Snape, eyes scanning over his body before coming to rest on his arm, as if he could see under the sleeve of Snape’s robe to the wound hidden by the fabric. “I think you should put up a silencing charm,” he said quietly.

Snape thought about refusing. He thought about asking Lupin to leave. He thought about claiming he was too busy to have any conversations. Instead, he raised his wand and cast a silencing charm around his office before focusing on Lupin. He didn’t speak. Didn’t ask any questions. Just raised his eyebrows and waited.

 “It wasn’t your doing.”

 Snape paused, reluctantly allowing his eyes to raise to Lupin’s face, though he couldn’t bring himself to make eye contact with the other professor. “You can’t say that. I told the dark lord of the prophecy. He would never have targeted them if I’d said nothing.”

 “Or maybe someone else would have learned about it and told him,” Lupin replied. “There’s no way you can know what would have happened. And you weren’t the one to give away James and Lily’s location,” he added. “That wasn’t you.”

 Snape eyed Lupin for a few moments. Despite their history together, despite what he’d gone through when they’d been at school together, he didn’t really hate Lupin. Not like he had the other three Gryffindors. “That doesn’t really help,” he said finally. “But thank you for trying anyway. If there’s nothing else, I need to get on with the preparations for the rest of today.”

 “There is something else.” Lupin watched him for a few moments. “You told me what you did because you expected me to kill you.”

 “Yes, well….” Snape looked away. “That was a mistake,” he finished.

 “It was a mistake to expect me to kill you. To attempt to manipulate me into doing so,” Lupin agreed. “But not to tell me the truth. I suspect this has been troubling you for a while. Since it happened.”

 Snape shrugged. There was no reason to deny it. He’d already admitted as much to the other man.

 “I don’t think you deserve death,” Lupin said.

 Once again, Snape shrugged, still keeping his face turned away. Deserved or not, there was only one way this could end for him. The dark lord wouldn’t take betrayal well. And Snape knew Dumbledore’s protection would only go so far.

 “You don’t believe me.” Lupin’s voice broke the silence that had descended.

 “It doesn’t matter if I do or not,” Snape replied. “There is only one way this path will end for me.” He frowned. “I had hoped I could choose the manner and time of my death….”

 “But I didn’t respond to your confession the way you hoped,” Lupin finished.

There was no point in denying it. Snape had allowed himself a moment of weakness and now, he was experiencing the aftermath of it.

 “I don’t think you deserve to die.”

 “You’re repeating yourself now.” Snape snorted softly.

 “If I thought you’d believe me, I’d repeat myself until I had no more breath to speak with,” Lupin replied. “As it is, I don’t think you’ll listen to me. Not until this is handled.”

 Out of the corner of his eye, Snape saw Lupin advancing on him. He couldn’t help but tense up as the other man came right into his personal space and grasped his upper arm. He wasn’t comfortable with being touched, though perhaps that was more because the last time anyone had touched him without the intention to harm had been when he’d been a student at Hogwarts himself. But even though his whole body tensed, he didn’t pull away. He didn’t know what Lupin had planned, but if it was killing him…well, the other man had had his chance in the forest. Snape was fairly sure Lupin didn’t plan to kill him now. Besides, if that was his intention, he wouldn’t be touching Snape at all.

 Without a word, Lupin walked over to the desk, pulling Snape along behind him. When he reached the chair, he sat down and used his grip on Snape’s arm to tug him round to his side.

 “What are you doing?” Snape pulled back a little, though not enough to break Lupin’s grip.

 “I won’t kill you. I won’t maim you. I won’t use any curses on you.” Lupin looked into his eyes. “But it’s clear that you’re going to self-destruct if nothing is done. You were willing to let me kill you. The next time, it might not be someone who would hesitate.”

 Snape opened his mouth to speak, but before he could get any words out, he found himself getting tugged over Lupin’s lap. Caught by surprise, it didn’t occur to him to fight or struggle and within seconds, he was draped over the other man’s lap, hands and feet resting on the floor on either side of the chair. He took in a deep breath and let it out slowly as he said, “I’m not sure what you intend to achieve by doing this….”

 “This isn’t for me, Severus. It’s for you.”

 Snape shifted slightly as he felt his robes lifted and his underwear lowered, causing cool air to waft across his bared backside. He tensed up even more as one of Lupin’s hands came to rest on his back and the other landed with a loud slap of flesh hitting flesh that reverberated through the office, causing a soft grunt to escape Snape’s lips.

 As the sting from the first smack began to fade, a second was delivered, just as firmly. Snape hissed out sharply and shifted again, unable to keep still as Lupin settled into spanking him fully, each smack landing in a different spot on his backside, making it impossible to predict where the next one would fall.

 For a few moments, the only sound in the office was Lupin’s hand steadily smacking Snape’s backside and Snape’s hisses and gasps when Lupin’s hand landed.

 “What are you trying to do?” Snape asked, unable to help but begin squirming over Lupin’s lap. “If this is about punishment, it seems very mild given what I did. What I’ve done.”

 “It’s not punishment, Severus,” Lupin answered. “You made a mistake, but you’re not the only one. This is to help you handle your guilt. To help you let go.”

 “I can’t…I can’t let go.” Snape spoke through gritted teeth. If he let go, he would fall apart. And if he fell apart, he wasn’t sure he’d be able to put himself back together again. He couldn’t stay broken, not with everything he had to do.

 “Yeah, I know. It’s difficult and it’s scary.” Lupin paused speaking to deliver some harder smacks to Snape’s sit spots and thighs. “I know all about being scared to let go, but you don’t have to do this alone. You don’t have to be alone.”

 “Why? Do you plan on…staying with me?” Snape tried for a harsh, sarcastic tone. What came from his lips was hopeful. His breath hitched and his vision blurred. He’d been hurt before; had been through worse pain than this in the past. But this wasn’t pain given to debilitate him or to torture him for failure or information. It was a spanking, given to help him let go of the dark emotions plaguing him. That was, if Lupin was to be believed.

 And Snape had no reason not to believe the other man.

 “Yes,” Lupin replied. “You need support. You need help. You need someone there for me. And I promise, I will be that person.”

 Snape drew in his breath slowly and when he let it out, it was on a low sob. The spanking didn’t hurt nearly as much as his emotions did. One sob was the catalyst for more to escape and he slumped over Lupin’s lap as his feelings came out with his tears.

 He didn’t know how long he lay there for, over Lupin’s lap, as he cried and let go of the pain that had been building in him for so long. The only catalyst he’d had before had been harming himself, but Lupin taking over and taking control…it made Snape feel lighter than he had in a long time. It wasn’t a permanent fix and he couldn’t imagine the spanking would be a one-time thing, but at least for now, he was feeling better than he had since the whole sordid mess had occurred.

 When Snape’s tears had died down, Lupin replaced his clothing and then helped him to stand, wrapping his arms around him a tight hug.

 The spanking had been easier to accept than the physical comfort now was and Snape stood stiffly in Lupin’s arms for a few moments before he slowly, cautiously, raised his arms to wrap around the other man in return.

 “I still don’t believe you need punishment, but if you need my forgiveness, you have it,” Lupin said quietly into Snape’s ear.

 Snape was used to hiding his feelings and emotions, but now that he’d been spanked and was being held, he felt raw and open emotionally. There were still tears running down his cheeks, but he was able to take deep breaths and just focus on the feeling of being held. It was uncomfortable, but at the same time, it soothed something deep inside of him. “Thank you,” he whispered.

 “You’re welcome. I’m here for you, Severus,” Lupin promised.

 Snape breathed in deeply and looked into Lupin’s eyes. Tentatively, moving cautiously, he leaned forward and let his lips brush gently against the other man’s. Almost straight away, he was pulling back, unsure of why he’d made that move, but certain it had been a mistake.

 “No, don’t pull back.” Lupin leaned forward and pressed his lips firmer and harder against Snape’s, raising one hand to cup the back of his head.

 Sighing, Snape pressed into the kiss, opening up for it, And even though he’d thought it should be impossible, he relaxed, finally, into Lupin’s embrace.

The End