The Nexus Point

Non-spoiler summary: Regrets can haunt anyone at any age
Full summary: Kid Loki killed his brother and was reset, sent to the end of time to be devoured by a beast. Some days, he thinks he should let the beast take him. And then, after a new Variant changes everything, a very familiar Variant appears
Warning(s): Spanking; spoilers up to and including episode five of Loki; minor spoilers for the Thor and Avengers movies; AU; references to violence and minor references to character death

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He should have expected this.

All Loki could think was that he’d grown too complacent. Too used to the way things were. The others he’d gathered around him had all been different versions of himself…and he should have known. Like the oldest Loki had said. Betrayal was in their nature. Causing death and pain and destruction. Hurting the people…friends and family…all around them.

And now one was dead. The other had betrayed him. And the newest Variant was going after Alioth, with the help of the only female version of Loki any of them had ever seen. Apart from the alligator Variant…he was alone. Again.

Maybe he should have agreed to go back through the portal with Mobius. At least then he would have found somewhere to belong. A world where maybe he could grow up. Where maybe he had never killed his brother.

That hadn’t just been the nexus event that had ruined his life. It had been the biggest mistake he’d ever made. And considering what his life had been like before he’d made that mistake, that was saying something.

He didn’t need to look back at what had happened in the battle to know that the older version of himself was dead. Betrayal or sacrifice. It seemed there were only two paths for a Loki to take. Was that true even of the alligator Variant? He glanced sideways at the alligator. “There’s no reason for you to stick with me now. Our alliance is over.” 

The only response came in the form of a low growl. Loki shook his head and turned away from the alligator, muttering under his breath, “You’ll regret sticking with me eventually.” He wasn’t sure exactly how he was understanding the alligator version of himself. Maybe that was something to do with them being the same deep down inside, even though they looked different on the outside. 

“Loki.” 

The voice was...familiar. Older than Loki remembered, but there was no mistaking who it belonged to. As he turned round slowly, Loki wondered why he was surprised. This whole world was filled with Variants, after all. Just because the Variants of himself were more likely to survive, it didn’t mean that no other Variants were there as well. 

Such as Thor. An older version of Thor, but it was obviously him anyway. 

Loki looked up at the adult version of the boy he’d killed. This was it, then. The day of his reckoning. He’d known it was coming. Even before the TVA had come and taken him away, he’d expected it. He couldn’t kill Thor and expect to escape with his life, even if it was a different version of Thor who’d come to face him. 

The older, adult version of Thor stood close, but not as close to each other as they had been that fateful day. When Thor had died. When Loki had killed him. He still remembered the blood that stained his hands. The motionless, lifeless body. The heavy weight of guilt that had settled over him. Disbelief that Thor was dead. Because he’d never truly thought he could kill Thor. After being sent here, he’d thrown away the daggers, still coated in Thor’s blood. Since then, he’d never put his hands on daggers again. Not after what he’d done.  

The adult form of Thor looked at the alligator and then focused on Loki once more. “There exists a world where you are an alligator? “ 

Loki nodded stiffly, not taking his eyes from Thor. Would it be better if he saw the killing blow coming? Or if he turned his back and just let it come? He held his breath and waited, body tense, his hands curled into fists.  

“What are you doing here?” 

Loki frowned and focused on Thor. On the man his brother would have grown up to be. But Thor wasn’t his brother. He’d never been his brother. And Loki had made sure of that when he’d killed Thor. But this version wasn’t dead. Had grown up. So what was his nexus event?  

It didn’t matter. Loki glanced past Thor, looking towards the beast and the two Variants who’d changed everything. It was frozen. Enchanted. At the cost of the older version of himself. Perhaps the only one who’d stood a chance of making peace with Thor.  

He owed Thor. He’d killed his own version of the Asgardian and it had sent him here. To the end of time. And those actions haunted him even now. It had been a mistake. Not even because it had got him arrested by the TVA. But because he’d killed Thor. He opened his mouth and he spoke without pausing to think about how it might be taken. Without hesitating, because he couldn’t do it again. Or allow it to happen. “You need to leave. Right now.” He bent down and picked up the alligator, darting a glance towards Alioth.

The beast was still frozen, ensnared in green light, but how long would that last for?

Thor followed the direction of Loki’s gaze and reached a hand out…then frowned. “They took my hammer from me.” He was staring at his empty hand.

Loki cursed under his breath as he saw the green light fade from Alioth. A split second to make his choice and he was moving. Darting forward. Holding the alligator under one arm, he grabbed Thor’s hand with his other and began to run, pulling the Asgardian along behind him.

If Thor hadn’t been willing to let himself be led, Loki knew he could never have drawn the Asgardian along behind him. He didn’t pause until they were safely away from Alioth. Until they were away from the army that had destroyed their fragile alliance. Then, he pulled his hand free of Thor’s. He stepped back. “Alioth isn’t an enemy you can fight.”

Thor’s eyes were on him. Staring at his face; into his eyes. Like they held all the secrets to the universe. He stepped forward, reaching a hand out. “Loki. Brother….”

“Don’t call me that.” Loki’s voice was almost unrecognisable, hoarse as it was with emotion. His vision blurred and he realised he was crying. He never cried. Not since…. He breathed in deeply, ignoring the ache in his throat, and curled his free hand into a fist.

Anger. He needed…to be angry. Needed to remember why he’d killed Thor in the first place. Thor, the perfect, golden child. The one everyone on Asgard loved. Loki’s bitter rival from the first moment he’d realised what that was.

But he hadn’t meant to kill Thor.

This version of Thor, this adult, familiar stranger, placed his hand on Loki’s shoulder. Gripped it firmly. He drew Loki forward, into an embrace, tight and close, face pressed into Thor’s chest.

Tears ran down Loki’s cheeks. He still held the alligator version of himself under one arm; his other raised and wrapped around Thor’s waist, clinging to him like a limpet. “I’m sorry.” The words came out in a moan of despair. He clung to this Thor like the Asgardian was his lifeline in a sea of despair.

“I forgive you.”

Loki frowned and pulled back at the words, looking up into Thor’s face and wiping at his eyes. “You don’t even know what I’ve done.”

“I know that you’re my brother.” Thor’s voice was soft, but sounded as hoarse with emotion as Loki’s had earlier. “No matter what you’ve done. No matter what crimes you’ve committed. Nothing will change that.”

“I killed you.” The words escaped Loki in a rush of air. A flood of emotion. He couldn’t look at Thor anymore. Couldn’t bring himself to see the anger and pain he was sure had to be in Thor’s…had to be in his brother’s…face. “I killed you,” he repeated, a haunted, lost note creeping into his voice.

Silence.

Loki waited, clinging to the alligator. Waited for Thor to walk away from him. To leave him alone. Because that was what he deserved. To be abandoned and alone, after everything he’d done that was wrong and evil.

He was a monster.

Movement made him flinch in spite of himself. He’d expected Thor to walk away. To leave him. He didn’t want it, but it was what his actions had and would continue to lead him to. When he dared to look up, his brother would be gone.

Instead, a warm, heavy hand came to rest on his shoulder. He was turned slightly to the side and a firm, stinging smack landed against the seat of his pants.

Barely stifling a gasp, Loki’s free hand flew back to rub at the sting. His breath hitched when a second smack landed opposite the first and he stood stock still, staring at the ground, pulling his hand away from his backside. Letting his brother punish him for what he’d done.

After a dozen firm smacks, Loki found himself wrapped in a warm, tight embrace once more. He wrapped his arm around Thor, pressing against his brother, and heard the alligator give a low growl, sounding almost content. “I’m sorry.” He blinked away his tears.

“No more apologies, brother.” Thor’s voice was a reassuring rumble as he continued, “We’re together now. And that’s what’s important.”

Loki knew he could point out that they were stuck at the end of time, with a beast eager to consume any variant it came across. He could point out that they were both displaced from the times they should have called home.

But he did nothing. Nothing except hold onto Thor and just let himself feel everything he’d missed for so long.

The End