The Biggest Regret

Summary: Sang-Woo survives the games and returns home with enough money to pay off his debts. But he feels a tremendous amount of guilt. On Halloween, the line between the living and the dead is blurred
Warning(s): Spanking; spoilers for Squid Game season one; supernatural elements; AU; references to violence and canon character death
Author’s Note: Written for the Halloween challenge, on the Discipline Fic Discord, involving the Tricks or Treats prompt

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He had the money. He had his life back. He could make different, better choices…but he couldn’t shake the sacrifices that had occurred for him to get to this point. He’d betrayed and double-crossed and tricked someone who’d trusted and looked to him for guidance. He’d won the money and been able to turn his life around, but the cost had been too high.

He should have realised it.

Sang-Woo hadn’t been able to make himself watch Ali get shot. He hadn’t been able to turn round, although he knew he should have. Knew he at least owed the man who’d trusted him that much. But he couldn’t make himself look at Ali’s face and see the betrayal there. It had been bad enough hearing the hopeless confusion as his name was called. Every time he closed his eyes and tried to sleep, he heard the plea. Heard the gunshot. Heard the death of the man who’d had faith in him.

And it didn’t matter how many times Sang-Woo told himself that there hadn’t been a choice, that only one of them could survive. He hadn’t been able to sleep since the games had finished. For every person who’d made bad choices and had deserved some consequences (even if they didn’t deserve death), there’d been others like Ali, who had just been trying to make a better life for themselves.

But the ones who didn’t betray and double cross the people who trusted them…they were the ones who’d ended up dead. Winning the game had been about surviving, but survival had meant embracing the darker side of their nature. All of the ones who’d survived the longest had had to make tough choices to survive. And how could they have known that the game would entail one from each pair having to die? How could Sang-Woo have known that? How could any of them have known that?

He'd tried to find Ali’s wife and child. Tried to track them down, considering that it was the least he could do. But it had been difficult to track them down. He didn’t have anyone he could trust to track down the family, even if he did have the money. His actions had ensured there weren’t many people he could trust now. He wasn’t in danger of going to prison now, but he’d ruined many relationships and wasn’t sure he’d ever find another job, with his reputation in tatters.

Sang-Woo sat in the main room of his small apartment. He hadn’t even seen his mother since returning from the games, though he had made sure to send her enough money so that she could have a better life. It was the least he could do.

It was Halloween now. Sang-Woo didn’t want to celebrate it. He had his lights off in his apartment, just staring at the blank television screen. It was his normal state of being, closing himself off from the rest of the world. Closing himself off from everyone. If he ever thought about getting close to someone, all he did was picture Ali’s face in his mind. All he did was hear the man calling his name…confused and betrayed.

He should have made a different choice. Even if he’d died, it would have been better than his existence now, surely?

A knock on his apartment door brought Sang-Woo out of his dark thoughts and he raised his head, glancing towards the darkened hallway. If he sat there without moving, without turning the light off, then whoever was at his door would go away. It wasn’t as if any of his family or friends would be coming to see him, after all. Not after everything he’d done.

The knock came again, just as Sang-Woo was settling back into his internal darkness. He glanced up, frowning faintly, but still didn’t move. At least, he didn’t move until the knock came a third time, insistent and determined.

Slowly, he pushed himself up from the couch. Walked towards the door and pulled it open, an apology on his lips for not having anything to give the trick or treater.

Ali stood outside.

Sang-Woo’s words died on his lips as he stared at the man. There was no blood, no injuries, showing on the man’s body. His clothes looked neat and clean. If it wasn’t for the fact that Sang-Woo had heard Ali get shot, he wouldn’t have believed the other man was truly dead.

But Ali was dead. And it was his fault. And in many ways, Sang-Woo was relieved that the day of his reckoning was here. It was fitting that Ali would return for his revenge on the night of Halloween. And Sang-Woo wouldn’t disrespect the ghost of the man he’d killed by running, or begging for his life. He’d been living with this guilt for so long, he hadn’t even truly been living his life.

“Sang-Woo.” Ali stepped closer to him, reached out…and placed a hand on his shoulder, squeezing lightly.

He was waiting for the death blow, but it didn’t come. Ali’s hand was on his shoulder and Sang-Woo looked down, swallowing hard before raising his eyes to the man’s face. Ali didn’t look dead, but he couldn’t be anything other than a ghost. Because almost everyone had died in the games. And he’d killed Ali, as surely as if he’d been the one who’d pulled the trigger himself.

Ali wrapped his arms around Sang-Woo and whispered, “I forgive you.”

Sang-Woo’s whole body stiffened and then he was crying, clutching at the other man. Ghost or not, Ali’s body felt solid and warm against his fingers. His breath hitched as he tried to talk…tried to ask questions…but the storm of emotion made it nearly impossible to get a coherent word out.

By the time Sang-Woo’s tears slowed and then stopped, his head hurt and his eyes throbbed. He released Ali and took a step back, wiping at the tears on his face before he stood straighter. “I’m ready.”

“Ready?” Ali frowned in confusion. “For what?”

“You’re here for revenge.” Sang-Woo’s voice was calm. Accepting. “I should have been the one to die during that game. I tricked you. I knew it was wrong, but I….”

“You didn’t want to die.”

“Neither did you.”

Ali shook his head. “I’m not here for revenge.”

“Then….” Sang-Woo took a deep breath and wiped at his eyes. “If it’s not revenge you want, why are you here?”

“To repay you.”

That startled a laugh from Sang-Woo. “Are you still talking about me paying your bus fare? You already repaid me for that. Not that you needed to do so,” he added.

Ali stepped towards Sang-Woo, looking earnestly into his eyes. “I don’t know how, but I came back tonight. I came here because I felt it. Your pain and guilt. You’re my friend, Sang-Woo. I am glad you live still. You should carry on living.”

“How can I?” The words came out in a hopeless whisper.

Ali’s hand entered Sang-Woo’s field of vision and grasped his shoulder. Sang-Woo found himself guided back through to the main room. The light came on, but he didn’t know if Ali had turned it on, or if he’d done that himself. All he could do was stumble along with the ghost of his dead friend. The spirit of the man he’d killed.

He felt so much guilt, he figured he wouldn’t fight whatever Ali wanted to do to him…but he couldn’t help his reactions when the man sat down on the couch and pulled Sang-Woo across his lap, with enough force to expel the air from his lungs with a gasp. “I’m not a child!” His protest was weak and he didn’t even attempt to struggle. Ali could have killed him. Could have come back as a vengeful spirit to haunt Sang-Woo until he took his own life out of despair.

Instead, Sang-Woo found himself over the lap of someone he’d counted a friend. Found his trousers and underwear pulled down, revealing his bared backside. His shirt was pushed up, providing a clear target for Ali’s hand, which began to smack firmly.

The sting was immediate and pronounced. Sang-Woo knew Ali was strong; had witnessed the strength for himself. He’d just never expected the strength to be used as Ali spanked his naked bottom, covering every inch down to his thighs in the stinging swats.

Partway through the second circuit, tender skin being smacked again, Sang-Woo began to shift and squirm. He’d already cried and thought that his tears had all gone…but more sprang to his eyes, spilling down his cheeks. “I’m sorry!”

“I do not want an apology, Sang-Woo,” Ali stated, his hand never ceasing its relentless assault on Sang-Woo’s behind. “I want you to start living again. To stop feeling the guilt that called out to me.”

“I can’t!” Sang-Woo’s voice grew a bit higher in pitch as Ali’s hand began to address sharper swats to his sit spots and thighs. “I killed you.” The tears fell hot and heavy now, nearly blinding him. He reached down and closed his fingers around Ali’s ankle, needing to hold on. Needing to feel the contact. His entire backside throbbed, but he only shifted and squirmed in response to the smacks, not in any attempt to get away.

“It would have happened anyway,” Ali said. “I was never going to win. I am glad it was you. I am not glad that this guilt has crippled you so much. I have forgiven you. Now you should forgive yourself. I’m at peace.”

By this point, Sang-Woo’s bottom was burning like he’d sat down in a fire. He was sobbing hard, but it wasn’t the pain in his backside that caused the tears. It was the pain of the guilt he felt. “I can’t forgive myself!” The words came out broken. “I decided that…that the money was more important,” he confessed. “More important than the life of my friend.”

“No,” Ali disagreed. “You wanted to live. The same as me. And that doesn’t make you a bad person. You aren’t a bad person.”

“I feel like one,” Sang-Woo whispered uncertainly.

Ali rubbed his back for a few moments and then Sang-Woo felt his clothing tugged back into place. He whimpered as the rough material scraped over his sore bottom, swiping at his eyes as Ali wrapped his arms around him in a tight embrace.

The hug was warm and more comforting than Sang-Woo thought he had a right to. Slowly, uncertainly, he brought his own arms up to wrap them around Ali, clinging on. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“I forgive you,” Ali whispered back.

Sang-Woo breathed in deeply and held on. He didn’t know how long this time would last. He didn’t know if Ali would disappear when Halloween was over. But for now, even if he didn’t think he deserved it…he felt forgiven.

The End