Past Encounter

Summary: Set before the movie. Colossus and Deadpool have a previous encounter
Warning(s): Spanking (kinda); spoilers for the movie Deadpool; some violence; crude language; crack!fic
Author's Note: The second ficlet written for this month, this was actually inspired by a picture that can be found here

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"Ow, hey! Those aren't love taps!"

Deadpool had been in a great many strange positions, both before and after he could audition for a spot as the red power ranger. But slung over a metal giant's shoulder, with his spandex-clad backside swatted by said giant? Well, that was something else he could cross off his bucket list.

The blood was rushing to one part of Deadpool's body and not in a good way. Trying to raise his head just made Colossus swat him again. Kicking and punching at the giant just broke his bones; and while Deadpool had no problem chewing his own hand off to escape a trap, he couldn't see that helping in this instance.

"Stop fighting and it will be easier on you," Colossus drawled.

"You mean your dick? Don't know about you, but I don't swing that way!" Colossus' shoulder wasn't exactly easy to be slung over. With each step he took, Deadpool's body bounced up and down. "You know, caveman-style is so last season. You treat all your dates this way? Just like a metal giant James Bond, right? Shaken and stirred."

"Be quiet."

"I'm not sure I remember making that promise, but if you put me down, I'm sure I'll get a refresher." Deadpool's body jerked as Colossus, clearly deciding he didn't like the smart-arsed comments, swatted him extra-hard. "Ow! You're going to break my ass!"

"Doubtful."

"Enjoy the view. It isn't going to last, so don't worry about me. Just you wait. There's going to be a crisis. Maybe involving Wolverine. Almost certainly with innocent people about to get hurt..."

"You are not a fortune teller, Deadpool."

"It's rude to butt into a conversation. Nearly as rude as you throwing me over your shoulder, in fact. You have to listen when someone says no."

Colossus merely grunted in response.

Deadpool continued, needing to fill the silence. "Can't be afraid of rejection, you know. Not that you're my type. Too much metal in all the wrong places, if you know what I mean. Ow!" he added helpfully. "Do you even realise how hard that metal hand is?!"

"You will heal."

"Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt." Deadpool resumed addressing his invisible audience. "I'm not really in any danger, so don't call the cops. Not that you would, of course. Don't want to get me arrested."

"If you continue like this, you will suffer much worse than being arrested."

"You know, I really think this might qualify as one of those 'much worse'."

"You need help, Deadpool," Colossus said seriously. "And you can be a good person... a hero. If you let go of this desire for vengeance and work with the X-Men, you can be a valued part of the team."

"I'm more of a lone wolf. Besides, I'm no hero."

"I believe you can be."

"Well, I believe in reality," Deadpool stated. "And my reality is that I'm trying to find this guy named Francis. So unless you're planning on helping me track him down so he can fix me? I'm not going with you."

"I haven't given you a choice."

"Yeah, but don't you hear that?"

"Hear what?"

"Oh, I don't know... the sound of a gang of robbers about to break into a bank. Probably about to hurt a whole load of people." Deadpool had his head raised and was staring down over the bridge, watching the very scene he was describing.

"You're lying."

"Half of the time." Deadpool thought about it. "Three-quarters of the time. But not right now. Turn round... but not too fast. Have you ever tried to clean vomit out of a mask? It's really not fun. Blood's easier to clean. Especially when you wear red. Though do you bleed? Or is it liquid metal that comes out? Can anything penetrate your skin?"

Colossus didn't answer, but Deadpool felt him spin round. It was nearly impossible to be sure, but Deadpool thought Colossus tensed up under him. "You could leave me here... we can do this dance some other time."

"This isn't over." Colossus set Deadpool on his feet and turned away.

"Make sure you bring handcuffs next time!" Deadpool hollered after him.

The End