Now That It’s Over

Summary: Written for HandmaidenOfHorror as part of the FandomGiftBox exchange. Now that it’s over, what’s left for Subaru?
Warning(s): Spoilers for X/1999; minor spoilers for Tokyo Babylon; AU; references to violence; references to canon character death; suicidal thoughts
Pairing: Subaru/Kamui

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He didn’t know what to do now.

It was over. Seishirou was dead, at his hands. And that hadn’t been his attention. It hadn’t been what he wanted. Not at all.

He stood outside, on the street, letting the rain pour down his face, like tears spilling down his cheeks. The tears that he held inside, refusing to shed on the outside. In his arms, he could still feel the weight of his enemy. Seishirou’s weight as he’d died in his arms. And he could still hear the words that had been whispered in his ear. They didn’t stop echoing through his mind. And along with the words, all he felt was regret. No satisfaction, that he’d taken revenge for his sister’s death. After all, Seishirou had robbed him of that opportunity to join her. He’d robbed Subaru of his final wish. Left him alone; alone apart from the other dragons of heaven, which…if he was completely honest with himself, the only one of those he felt close to was Kamui.

But even if they’d begun forming a close friendship, ever since Subaru had brought Kamui out of his catatonic state, there was no one Subaru felt able to see. He’d prefer to be alone. It would allow him the time to come to terms with what his life was now, without his sister in it. And without his greatest enemy and rival in it now.

No one saw him. Everyone around him just pushed past, as if he didn’t exist. And maybe he didn’t. Not anymore. If someone was without purpose, did they truly exist any longer? Now that Seishirou was dead and he still lived…was there anything to keep him tethered to this world? To this life? If he died, he could see Hokuto again. Perhaps that was worth letting go. After all…he had no reason to hold on. The two people he’d loved the most were gone. And Seishirou had never been true to him. No matter what he’d whispered at the very last. No matter that he’d allowed Subaru to kill him. It changed nothing. Could change nothing.

And even if there’d been hope once before, that had died. First with Hokuto. Now with Seishirou. And without hope, there was no reason to continue living.

There were so many reasons not to carry on. And not enough to cling on to this life, to this reality. Where he would be forever alone, scarred and branded by the losses he’d suffered.

There were eyes on him.

Subaru breathed in deep. Lifted his hands, formed a perfect square in front of him. Perhaps he had no care if he lived or if he died, but there were people walking all around him. People who had homes and families to return to. No innocents would or could be hurt in the battle.

And there would be battle. Because even if Subaru was resigned to death, even if he’d accepted it deep in his heart, it wasn’t in him to go quietly. The dragon of earth, whoever it was come to face him, would receive no easy victory.

He released the barrier and it expanded outwards, engulfing the entire street he stood on. Blocking the upcoming battle from the innocents who surrounded him. This battle would take place and no one would be aware of it. No one would be harmed by the fallout.

“Subaru.”

The familiar voice, his name being spoken, had him turning. His eyes focused on Kamui, stood behind him.

If it had been anyone else, even another dragon of heaven, Subaru would have walked away. He would have lowered the barrier and lost himself in the crowd of people. Perhaps he would have eventually taken himself to his own death.

But it was Kamui who stood behind him. Who watched him with eyes that saw too much. When Subaru had entered his mind to draw him from the catatonic state, they’d shared deeply with each other. Kamui had seen more of Subaru than anyone else had. More than he’d allowed anyone else to see him before.

“I know he’s dead.” Kamui took a step forward, towards Subaru. Then another and another. Bringing them closer together. “I looked for you. Tried to find you.”

“I didn’t want to see anyone.”

Kamui nodded in understanding. “Like me. I was the same. When Kotori died. When she was murdered. I lost myself. You brought me back.”

“It’s not the same thing.”

“Isn’t it?” Kamui returned. “I love Kotori. Loved her. And I failed her. I couldn’t save her.”

“It’s not the same thing,” Subaru repeated. But his voice wasn’t certain. He didn’t sound so sure of himself. He didn’t feel so sure of himself. He stood there, staring at Kamui, because he couldn’t make himself look away. Because even if he tried to hide his face, it wouldn’t do any good. Kamui had already seen deep inside; seen his heart. At least what was left of it. What hadn’t been broken due to betrayal.

“You lost him and now there’s no chance of reconciliation.”

“He’s dead because I killed him.” Subaru winced as he said the words, but there was no taking them back. Just like there was no taking back what he had done.

“And you love him,” Kamui stated.

Subaru shook his head, but it was an expression of disbelief and not a denial. “It makes no difference now,” he whispered hollowly. “Whether I loved him or I hated him, he’s dead now. At my own hands. And nothing I can do or say will ever bring him back.”

“I know how it feels,” Kamui whispered.

Subaru shook his head. “You didn’t kill the one you loved.”

“But she’s dead because of me,” Kamui said quietly. “And she wouldn’t have died if I’d done something different. If I’d been stronger. Braver. Ran away from my destiny instead of making an ultimate choice.”

“You couldn’t have run,” Subaru stated. “Sooner or later, you would have been forced into making that choice.”

Kamui was the one to look away. Glancing at the floor of the barrier, rather than at Subaru’s face. “I could have chosen the dragons of earth. And then Fuuma would have been one of you. She wouldn’t have died at his hands then.”

“Maybe she would have died at your own,” Subaru countered.

Kamui raised his eyes to Subaru’s face. “I have no way of knowing that. But I do know how it feels to lose someone you love. To know that you can’t bring them back. That you can’t talk to them again. Tell them how sorry you are.”

Subaru closed his eyes. “It’s too late,” he whispered.

Kamui didn’t speak. Didn’t make any sounds of movement. But suddenly, Subaru was aware of him standing close. Right in front of him. He opened his eyes and found himself looking directly into Kamui’s.

One of them moved. Subaru wasn’t sure which of them. But they moved and their lips met, the kiss deep and hard. Subaru raised his hands to Kamui’s hips and the other wrapped his own arms around Subaru’s shoulders.

The kiss tasted bitter. Salty. Like tears that had been shed. It tasted like despair.

But it was something, rather than nothing.

The End