No More Hope

Summary: Marco has to interact with his long-time crush
Warning(s): Minor spoilers for the series; references to violence; AU
Pairing: Tom Berenson/Marco

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My name is Marco.

You know the drill. Can’t tell you my last name. Or where I live. What high school I go to. Can’t even tell you what continent I’m on. Because if I tell you and it turns out you’re a Controller? Well, doomed is just one word that would describe our state of being.

Got to say, though, today, I was feeling doomed in a very different way. See, I was at my best friend Jake’s house. You know who he is. The tall, serious one. Total opposite of me. We figured out pretty early on that hanging out like we used to would draw less attention from our enemies. Of course, instead of video games, homework and crushes, now, our conversations are about yeerk pools. Planning attacks. Fearless leader making plans while we desperately try to avoid arousing suspicion from the yeerk inside his brother.

Yeah. Tom is a Controller.

Doesn’t get any easier, no matter how much I say or even think the words. I know I’m not the only one devastated by that fact. I’m probably the only one who shouldn’t feel that badly about it. I mean, yeah, I’ve had a crush on Tom for…well, literally forever. Or at least as long as I’ve known Jake for, which honestly feels like forever.

I wish I could say that knowing Tom’s a Controller killed that crush, but despite knowing that there’s a slimy parasite inside Tom’s head, it’s done nothing to stop me feeling that way.

Don’t get me wrong. I know there’s no future here. I’m not even sure there’s a future for me. That’s not how it started, of course. Before that night we cut through the construction site and found out about the Yeerks, I was just an ordinary kid. Only thing I cared about was getting the next high score in the game. Hanging out with Jake and looking after my Dad…and sometimes, about doing homework.

Simpler times, I guess. At least I never had to worry about changing my body and getting injured. Getting badly injured. Sometimes I wonder when my luck will run out. When all of our luck will run out. I’ve been close to death more times than I can count. Nearly lost my mind to some morphs. Ants. Those were absolutely the worst. I’ve been hurt before. Been in fights before. But never as extreme as ants.

Which brings me to today.

We’d just finished a meeting of the Animorphs. All six of us were at Cassie’s barn. And then I’d come back to Jake’s. Not exactly happily, because for our next mission…guess what? We were looking at ants. Freaking ants. And Cassie said that we’d make sure to get them from the colony, but seriously…none of us want to do ants. But, of course, our fearless leader is on Cassie’s side. Because they’re a couple. Which is great for them, but only makes me feel my one-sided crush even more keenly.

I’d come downstairs because I needed a soda. And Jake asked me to grab us some snacks. I knew his kitchen as well as I knew my own and Jake’s Mom and Dad were more than used to me making myself at home. So I was filling a tray with drinks and snacks when Tom walked into the kitchen.

“Hey, Marco.” Tom’s grin was quick and lopsided and damned if it didn’t make my heart leap in my chest. “Jake upstairs in his room?”

“Yeah.” I looked down at the tray, pretending to concentrate on pouring out two tall glasses of soda. My ears were burning and I felt hot inside. If I didn’t know what was really inside Tom’s head, I would have been ecstatic to be in the kitchen with Tom talking to me.

But it wasn’t Tom, of course. The Yeerk inside his head was pulling the strings, while the real Tom sat in one corner, a prisoner inside his own mind.

Trapped in hell.

“There a meeting of the Sharing tonight?” I asked, finally looking up as the heat in my stomach faded to more manageable levels.

“We’re having a barbeque.” Tom caught my eye and his grin widened. “You know, you should really come along. You and Jake. He could even bring Cassie, if he wants.”

I swear I stopped breathing. “Bring Cassie?” I echoed. I couldn’t see my own face. I really hoped that I didn’t look quite as shell-shocked as I felt. Why was Tom talking about Cassie coming to the Sharing?

Tom gave me an odd look. “Yeah. Jake’s dating her, right? You all came to the meeting of the Sharing before. What happened? We scare you off?” He chuckled.

I faked a smile I hoped didn’t look quite as bad as I felt. “You can’t have forgotten what high school’s like already. Got all of these projects to do. Free time feels like a battle.” If I thought I could make it sound natural, I would have laughed. But faking a smile and a cheerful tone was all I could manage right now.

I looked into Tom’s eyes and I wondered…what did the real Tom think of me? I knew that he’d been desperate to protect Jake; so desperate that he’d promised not to resist the Yeerk he’d been enslaved to. But that was his brother. What did Tom think about me?

I couldn’t ask him that, of course. I wouldn’t have even before the shortcut through the construction site and being given the morphing ability. But it didn’t stop me from wondering if Tom had ever seen me as anything other than his little brother’s best friend.

Tom reached his hand out and grasped mine.

I jumped. Swallowed, Felt my breath hitch. And I looked down at his hand on mine. Fought back the urge to turn my hand over and grasp his. It wasn’t Tom. Not truly my best friend’s brother. But he was still touching me. Even if it was the Yeerk controlling him.

I was still holding the bottle of soda. I watched, dumbly, as Tom turned it upright and then flashed a grin at me. “Got caught inside your own head? You nearly let the soda overflow.”

“You have no idea.” Almost as soon as I spoke the words, I winced. If anyone knew how it felt to be stuck inside his own head, it was Tom. The real Tom.

He nodded to me. “Okay, then. I’ve gotta run. I’ll catch you later. After all, this is your home away from home.” Chuckling softly, he turned away from me.

I cleared my throat, calling softly, “Why don’t we have a game of basketball? You, me, Jake. It’s been a long time since we got to have a game.”

Tom paused without turning and I thought I saw his right hand begin to tremble. Like he had a nervous twitch. And I watched his left hand clamp down viciously on the right. Still the trembling. But his voice sounded oh so casual when he said, “Maybe later. I’ve got a lot to do with preparing for the barbeque.” He paused. “The invitation still stands.”

“Yeah.” I forced myself to sound cheerful as I said, “I’ll think about it. That’s all I can do.”

“I’ll take what I can get!” Tom threw the words back over his shoulder as he strode out of the kitchen.

Drawing in a deep, shaky breath, I picked up the tray. And I tried not to think about the response I’d wanted to give to him. Tried to ignore that crush that was still there.

Clearly, my brain had no idea what was good for me. First I was saving the world. Now I was pining for someone I couldn’t have. Someone who’d kill me if he ever found out my big secret.

I was doomed in more ways than one.

The End