Nightmares and Memories

Summary: Follows Maintenance. Coriolanus has been keeping a lot of trauma bottled up inside. It's time he allows himself to accept the help he needs
Warning(s): Spanking, including with a switch; spoilers for The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes; references to violence and canon character death; AU
Author's Note: The idea for this role reversal actually came from Inky, who pointed out that Coriolanus has a lot of trauma he keeps bottled up inside, and also said that it would be interesting to see Coriolanus spanked in this series. I hope any readers enjoy this!

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This wasn't the first time Coriolanus had woken up in the middle of the night from a nightmare.

It was dark in the hut; almost too dark for him to make out anything. The only reason he knew he wasn't alone in the bed was because of the feel of Sejanus and Lucy Gray pressed against him, one on either side of him. Where their bodies weren't touching his, he felt cold. Ice cold.

His heart was pounding in his chest, so forcefully that he thought it might burst out of his chest. There were tears in his eyes that he held back, refusing to allow to fall, because there was no reason for him to break down in that way. He was in his hut with his two mates within touching distance. Both Lucy Gray and Sejanus were safe.

There was no reason for him to be feeling like this. There was no reason for him to be having nightmares...certainly not about the tribute he'd killed, or the Mayor's daughter he'd shot in District 12. Up until this point, his nightmares had been about potentially losing Sejanus, or Lucy Gray, or both. Most of the time when he woke up from a nightmare, it was because the memory of Sejanus being taken by Doctor Gaul and forced into the arena was still so fresh in his mind.

Now, however, his nightmares had changed. And he didn't know the reason behind that, or how to stop them.

"Coryo?" Sejanus' sleepy voice carried through the hut, and his fist gently gripped Coriolanus' nightshirt. He shifted enough so that his head was resting on Coriolanus' chest, ear over his heart, and murmured, "You had another nightmare?"

"Yes," Coriolanus whispered.

"I'm sorry...."

"It wasn't about what happened to you." Coriolanus let his fingers stroke through Sejanus' hair and down his back, sliding up under his nightshirt to caress bare skin. "I dreamed about what happened in District 12."

"When you killed the Mayor's daughter."

"And the tribute I killed in the arena." Coriolanus breathed in deeply and closed his eyes, letting his lips rest against Sejanus' hair. "You were right. There was a better way...maybe not for the tribute. But for Mayfair. Maybe I didn't need to kill her...." He whispered the words like a confession.

There was silence, but it was an easy one. Sejanus kissed over his heart and whispered, "You had to make a hard decision. You've had to make a whole lot of those. I think there could have been another way, but you don't need to feel guilty about taking her life. What she said...." He hesitated. "Maybe she would have been a danger to us. I know you did what you thought was necessary to protect us."

"I don't feel guilty." Coriolanus closed his eyes as he said the words. He thought he probably should. He thought there was probably something wrong with him, that he didn't feel any kind of guilt for killing the tribute in the arena, or for killing Mayfair. Both times, he'd felt like he didn't have a choice. He'd been trying to protect Lucy Gray and Sejanus. How could that be wrong? "I did the only thing I could in the moment. I made the only choice I could make to protect you. To protect both of you."

"But I guess it doesn't make any difference, or make you feel any better." Sejanus raised his head to look into Coriolanus' eyes. "It's still affecting you now. Even though you know you did the right thing." He hesitated, biting his lower lip, and then asked, "Do you think it might help if I punished you?"

A handful of months ago, Coriolanus would have refused immediately. Even now, with his first instincts to protect the two people he loved the most, it was difficult for him to think of the fact that maybe he needed help. And considering the idea of giving that control to someone else, even someone he trusted above almost everyone else, was a bit daunting.

But this wasn't the first nightmare he'd had, even if it was the first nightmare featuring the two people he'd been responsible for killing.

Letting his head drop gently against the pillow, Coriolanus continued to stroke over Sejanus' bare skin. There was nothing sexual in the touch; nothing really that demanding, either. He just needed to have the man he loved close to him. "I'm not used to giving up that kind of control to anyone," he said finally. "Not even to one of the only two people I love and trust more than I've ever loved or trusted anyone in my life."

"Okay, but we talked about it. Remember? After you paddled me." Sejanus shifted, pressing his body into Coriolanus' touch, even as he continued speaking. "And it's not like I expect you to be submissive to me, or for me to start regularly punishing you, or anything like that. But I know that, even if it's painful in the moment, it's really cathartic and helpful for dealing with guilt and negative emotions. And if you trust me enough...I'd like to help you in the same way you've helped me."

Coriolanus was quiet for a few moments, just continuing to stroke over Sejanus' bare skin. On his other side, he heard Lucy Gray's breathing change, indicating that she was awake...though she didn't say anything. He felt her nuzzle in close to him, kissing the side of his neck, as she listened to their conversation.

"I can't think while you're stroking me like that." Sejanus' voice was half-laughing, half-breathy with arousal.

"Mmm...I don't see anything wrong with that." Coriolanus angled his head enough to begin trailing kisses along Sejanus' neck and over his shoulder, pulling his nightshirt free for better access to bare skin.

Sejanus moaned softly and shifted enough to allow Coriolanus to continue stroking and kissing him. He whimpered softly, letting out little moans and tiny exhales of breath.

Lucy Gray pressed in closer against Coriolanus and kissed his cheek, then leaned in to whisper in his ear, "You know, distraction with sex isn't going to change what you need to talk about."

Coriolanus sighed, letting his eyes close for a brief second, and his hands stilled on Sejanus' body. She was right, even if he wanted to just relax and enjoy his mates. All he was going to do was postpone the conversation between him and Sejanus, not stop it from happening entirely.

Breathing heavily, Sejanus let his head drop gently against Coriolanus' shoulder and nuzzled before he slowly pushed himself up, pulling his nightshirt back into place and breathing in deeply. "What do you think?" He looked from Coriolanus to Lucy Gray and back again.

What did he think? Coriolanus found himself uncharacteristically uncertain, having to look away because he couldn't hold eye contact for long. "I'm not used to giving up that kind of control. To anyone." He'd already said words to that effect, but it was important to him that Sejanus understand. It wasn't that Coriolanus didn't trust Sejanus, or want to let him take that control. He just didn't think he could do it willingly.

Sejanus looked towards Lucy Gray and then stood up, moving over to one side of the room and beckoning her over to join him.

Lucy Gray gave Coriolanus a kiss on the cheek, then stood up as well, walking over to Sejanus. The two of them began to talk quietly...too soft for Coriolanus to make out what they were saying. But he knew they were talking about him.

The conversation lasted for a few minutes before Sejanus nodded to something that Lucy Gray had said, and then turned to Coriolanus. "Stand up. I want you to stand in one of the corners."

Coriolanus' eyes widened slightly. He glanced at Sejanus' face, then at Lucy Gray's. They both looked serious. He hadn't thought they were joking, but it was nearly impossible to tell what either of them were thinking.

He thought seriously about saying no, about refusing, and seeing just how far Sejanus' dominance would go. If he pushed, would the other man push back? But even though he considered refusing and seeing what Sejanus would do, or what Lucy Gray would do, he couldn't quite bring himself to do so. Right now, he didn't need to push. What he needed was to put his trust into his mates and let them take control.

Still, it was hard to make himself rise from the bed. It was hard to walk over to the corner and stand there, facing it, nose nearly on the join between the walls. It was so difficult, it could have been impossible to make himself submit in that way.

He knew there was no way he would have obeyed this kind of order from anyone else.

Standing there, staring at the corner, Coriolanus could hear Sejanus and Lucy Gray moving around. He could hear them talking to each other in hushed tones, even though he couldn't quite make out what they were saying. He assumed they were figuring out what their next steps were, though.

The longer he stood in the corner for, the more childish and out of control Coriolanus felt. He understood why Sejanus had dropped when Coriolanus had been in control; while he couldn't allow himself to drop to that level, he could feel himself slipping slightly. There was something almost comforting in another person being the strong one, even if it was only temporarily.

It seemed to take a long time, but finally, Sejanus called softly, "Come over here, Coriolanus."

As he turned round to walk over to his mate, light flooded the hut and Coriolanus blinked rapidly in the sudden brightness. After his eyes adjusted to the light, he walked slowly over to Sejanus, who was sitting on the bed with a large, wooden-backed hairbrush resting on the mattress next to him.

Lucy Gray wasn't sitting on the bed, but she was standing next to it, at Sejanus' side, and she gave Coriolanus an encouraging smile as he walked over. She didn't speak, instead watching Coriolanus closely.

Stopping just in front of Sejanus, Coriolanus took a deep breath and made eye contact with the other man. He waited for instructions, or for Sejanus to position him. It was hard to submit willingly to someone, even one of the two people he loved the most in the world, but he was trying.

Sejanus gave him an encouraging smile and gently patted his lap. "Bend over."

Letting his breath out slowly, Coriolanus moved round to Sejanus' side. He stepped forward until he couldn't move any further, then bent forward at the waist, leaning forward across Sejanus' lap and settling himself in place, shifting position slightly until he was as comfortable as it was possible to be. His stomach dropped slightly at the position he was in, at the control he was giving up to Sejanus, and he gripped the blanket in his hands...not sure what else to do with them.

Lucy Gray moved from her position at Sejanus' shoulder, stepping round to sit on the bed, next to Coriolanus' head. She reached out and took his hands, giving him a loving smile.

The close proximity of his mates encouraged Coriolanus to be honest, and he whispered, "I'm not sure I can stop myself from fighting."

"You trust us, don't you?" She leaned in and brushed a gentle kiss against his lips. "Just think of submitting to us, to your mates, as another part of that trust."

Coriolanus breathed in deeply. He let that breath out slowly as he felt Sejanus tugging his clothing down, baring the lower half of his body. He gripped Lucy Gray's hands tightly, because if he didn't, he was worried he might throw them back in a bid to protect himself from being made so vulnerable.

"I know that I probably share in at least half of the blame for you killing Mayfair," Sejanus said quietly. "If I hadn't disobeyed you, you wouldn't have been in the position of having to take someone else's life in order to protect both me and Lucy Gray." He cleared his throat before he continued. "But I guess that doesn't make any difference to how you feel. It still affects you, so...I can only hope that this helps you to heal, even if only a little bit." As he spoke the last word, he delivered the first firm smack to Coriolanus' backside.

Coriolanus grunted. The force of the smack took him by surprise, and he couldn't help flushing at his own reaction. When his eyes sought out Lucy Gray's face, she nodded encouragingly to him and squeezed his hands, then looked towards Sejanus and mouthed something Coriolanus couldn't quite make out.

More swats began to fall, all at the same force as the first. It was impossible to predict where the next smack would fall, as Sejanus wasn't swatting in any discernible pattern. Sometimes he would smack repeatedly in one spot, until it felt like Coriolanus had burned himself there, and then he'd deliver a quick smack to the other cheek before returning to the same one that had already received attention.

Tears were in Coriolanus' eyes very quickly. It wasn't the pain of the spanking that was getting to him; it didn't really hurt to an unbearable level. But the nightmare had brought old wounds and hurts to the surface; old pain that he thought he'd pushed down, even though he knew it hadn't healed.

Sejanus wasn't speaking. He was just swatting firmly, making sure that every part of Coriolanus' bottom was stinging and burning. It only took a few more moments of the firm swats for Coriolanus to begin shifting slightly, though it was more in response to the sting and burn from the spanking than because he was trying to get away.

The fact that neither of them were talking allowed Coriolanus to think more deeply about what he'd done...about everything he'd done...and to feel everything more keenly.

He'd been honest when he told Sejanus he didn't feel guilty for the lives he'd taken. In both instances, he'd been acting to save his own life, and the lives of the two people he loved. But that didn't change the fact that he had killed two people...and that doing so had left scars on his soul that he hadn't even felt until now.

"I wish I hadn't had to kill them!" The words burst out of him before he could stop them. And with them, the tears in his eyes began to slip out and roll down his cheeks. There was a heavy weight in his chest and a lump in his throat, making it difficult to say anything else other than that initial exclamation.

"We know." Lucy Gray leaned forward and nuzzled against his face, kissing him gently.

"I'm sorry you had to do that. I'm sorry for my part in you having to take the lives of two people." Sejanus' voice was soft, but no less sincere for it. "But I am so grateful that you acted to save my life, Coryo. I wouldn't be here now if it wasn't for you. We wouldn't be here now, if it wasn't for you."

Those words, more than the sting of the spanking, caused more tears to fall down Coriolanus' cheeks. His breath hitched in the first sob...and one sob was quickly followed by more. He slumped over Sejanus' lap, the tears rolling down his cheeks, clinging to Lucy Gray's hands like they were a lifeline.

The spanking slowed and then came to a stop, and Sejanus began to gently rub Coriolanus' back. "We love you. Both of us do. You did what you could to protect us and we both understand that," he whispered.

Coriolanus took a deep breath, trying to get his tears under control. His bottom ached, stung, more than he'd been expecting it to. He hadn't expected Sejanus to take control like this; hadn't expected that he would feel able to submit to the other man, even with how much he loved and needed Sejanus. But he'd found himself submitting, in spite of himself. And it had been a little bit scary...but a part of him felt lighter and freer, even though he still felt a bit of the weight of guilt.

Sejanus pulled Coriolanus' clothing back into place and then helped him up, wrapping his arms around Coriolanus and hugging him close and tight. "I'm sorry you had to make those tough decisions for our sake," he said quietly.

Swallowing back the tears that threatened to continue falling, Coriolanus wrapped his own arms around the other man, and held on just as tight. His emotions felt too close to the surface right now...and he wasn't sure he could take back the control he'd given to Sejanus. Not yet, at least.

Lucy Gray wrapped her own arms around Coriolanus as well and kissed his cheek. "How are you feeling, love?"

Coriolanus shifted slightly as he thought about the question. When he answered, it was in a voice hoarse with emotion. "Sore. But better inside...at least a little bit." His bottom stung, but it wasn't unbearable pain. He shifted position slightly and pressed a bit closer to his two mates, drawing his breath in slowly. "I don't know if it's enough." The whisper was a quiet admittance, one that he wouldn't have made at all if he wasn't in a slightly more submissive mindset.

"Do you think you deserve worse?" Lucy Gray asked softly, kissing his shoulder.

Swallowing, Coriolanus let himself think seriously about the question. He wouldn't have even considered that before...but then again, he hadn't realised that he felt guilty, that he felt responsible for the deaths of the two he'd killed, until Sejanus had stepped in and taken control of him like this. "Yes." The admittance escaped him in a whisper. He would never have admited something like that before, but with his emotions so raw and close to the surface, he couldn't be anything other than honest.

Lucy Gray kissed his cheek, then moved round to Sejanus' other side. She leaned into him and the two began to talk in soft whispers.

Coriolanus stayed where he was, nestled into Sejanus' arms. There was no need for him to say anything...to try and take back control. He was content just to be with them.

And then Lucy Gray rose to her feet, heading out of the hut.

Immediately confused and unable to hide the faintest hint of distress, Coriolanus pulled back slightly from Sejanus. "Lucy Gray?"

"It's okay. She's coming back in a few minutes." Sejanus ran his hands gently over Coriolanus' arms, pressing a kiss to his forehead. "She's not leaving." His voice was low and reassuring.

Coriolanus settled, then hid his flushed face against Sejanus' shoulder. He hadn't expected to react so badly to Lucy Gray stepping out; he never had before, after all. Then again, he'd never felt this emotionally vulnerable before...even though he'd been close to it when he thought he might lose Sejanus.

While they waited for Lucy Gray to return, Sejanus gently stroked his fingers through Coriolanus' hair, every so often brushing a kiss over his head, or his neck. It was enough to calm the unsettled emotions Lucy Gray leaving had woken in him, and he cuddled into the other man's arms with his eyes half-closing in what felt very close to contentment.

And then Lucy Gray stepped back into the hut, carrying a freshly cut switch, smoothed down from all twigs and leaves...anything that might cut, or cause more damage than intended.

Coriolanus' eyes widened, and he started to push himself away from Sejanus.

"It's okay." Lucy Gray moved quickly over to them and wrapped her arms around Coriolanus, hugging him close. "If you don't think it's necessary, we're not going to force you to submit. But you said that you felt you deserved worse. And we don't think you deserve to feel guilty...but it's obvious that you do."

"And it's also obvious that you have a lot you're keeping inside; about everything that's happened, not just the guilt from taking two unnecessary lives," Sejanus said. "Speaking from experience, I can say that having a good cry really helps to release that kind of emotion. And...well, when you used a switch, it did help. At least...after...." His voice trailed off.

Coriolanus didn't need him to finish the sentence. He'd been so affected by what had happened in nearly losing Sejanus, he'd had to walk away. And it had left the other man in a bad emotional state...something that he regretted with all his soul. They'd managed to make things right between them, but he couldn't forget how distressed Sejanus had been after it.

Of course, his mates weren't going to use the switch and then walk away from him. Unlike what had happened between him and Sejanus, neither of his mates were in a bad place emotionally. So he didn't need to worry about being left alone to self-soothe, or to deal with the fallout from his own emotions.

But he would have to deal with the pain of being switched, and his own emotions that would be affected by the switching.

"What do you think?" Sejanus was the one who finally broke the silence, watching Coriolanus with a wide, anxious gaze.

Breathing in deeply, Coriolanus looked at the switch in Lucy Gray's hand, then looked down, thinking. When they'd asked him if he thought he deserved worse, he'd answered honestly. His answer didn't change now that the switch was actively involved.

Taking a deep breath, Coriolanus whispered, "I told you I felt like I deserved worse. That hasn't changed even now that you're offering me worse." He shifted slightly, able to feel the sting still on his bottom. It wasn't as bad as it had been once the spanking had initially finished, but he knew the switch would reignite the burn from the spanking. "What do you want me to do?" he asked finally. "Bend over the bed? Grab my ankles? Touch my toes?"

"No." Sejanus rubbed his hands gently down Coriolanus' arms. "You'll go back over my knee. Lucy Gray will use the switch."

Coriolanus looked between the two of them, hesitating briefly before he nodded. He shifted when Sejanus gently tugged him across his lap once more, settling in place and then reaching down to close his fingers around the other man's ankle.

When his bottom was bared again, Coriolanus couldn't help shivering as cold air wafted over his bared skin. A split second later, he felt the cool thin wood of the switch resting against the centre of his backside and he took in a deep breath...only to release that in a hard gasp when the implement was raised and snapped smartly across both cheeks at once.

The switch left behind a line of fire that flared and then faded to be mildly uncomfortable. He wanted to reach back and rub the stinging spot, but he forced himself to keep his hands in front of him, not wanting to risk the switch landing across his fingers.

The second stripe landed just below the first, and Coriolanus couldn't stop the soft whimper that escaped his lips. As the switch continued to land, covering every inch of his backside from the crest down to mid-thigh, he began to cry again, tears blurring his vision.

Unlike the initial hand spanking, the switching wasn't delivered in silence. When Lucy Gray began the switching over from the top, covering skin that was already stinging and burning, Sejanus began to speak, stroking his fingers through Coriolanus' hair. "We know that you only took the actions you did to save our lives. To save both of our lives."

"You don't need to feel guilty about what you had to do. Even if you could have found another way...there's nothing to say that would have worked." Lucy Gray's voice was soft, a stark contrast to the hard strikes from the switch she was giving him. "You did what you had to do...and if either of us had been in the same situation, we likely would have made the same choices."

Coriolanus whimpered softly when the switch caught the sensitive skin of his thighs. It was getting harder to discern each individual stroke from the switch, as his whole bottom felt like it was going to burst into flames. He couldn't keep his hands out of the way any longer, instead throwing them back in a futile attempt to try and block the strikes.

Sejanus grasped his hands, holding them out of the way so that Lucy Gray could continue with the switching. Squeezing Coriolanus' hands gently, he whispered, "You're safe here, with us, Coryo. You're safe to let everything out."

Coriolanus had already been crying, but as if Sejanus' words had been a catalyst to allow him to let go of his emotions, the tears began to fall harder and faster...and he began to sob hard, slumping over Sejanus' lap once more and accepting the strikes from the switch. It might not be intended as a punishment, but he certainly felt like he was being punished.

Which was perhaps what he really needed, deep down inside where even he feared to look too closely. Maybe he'd always felt like he deserved to be punished...and now that was finally occurring, he could finally let go and let his body react in the way it needed to. Even though his bottom ached...throbbed, really...that feeling of being light and free had returned, and it wasn't going away.

Distantly, he became aware of the fact that the switching had stopped. Sejanus was holding his hands, and Lucy Gray was stroking his hair and down his back. Their touches and stroking helped to ground him, drawing him back from the well of inner guilt and pain that he hadn't even realised had consumed him for so long.

They didn't speak, or try to force him to get up before he was ready to. Instead, they continued to give him affection...continued while the roaring fire in his backside calmed to a dull, uncomfortable ache, and the white-hot pain inside him was soothed down, until it didn't feel quite as big and all-consuming as it had done to begin with.

"Are you back with us now?" Lucy Gray asked softly, her hand rubbing the tension out of his shoulders.

"Yes." Coriolanus sighed, rubbing at his eyes and taking several deep breaths. He turned his hands over to gently grip Sejanus'. "Thank you."

"Of course," Sejanus murmured.

"You don't need to keep feeling guilty all the time." Lucy Gray's voice was soothing and reassuring. "If we've been able to help you, even a little, that's enough for us."

Coriolanus let out another weary sigh and slowly pushed himself up off Sejanus' lap. He reached back and gingerly pulled his underwear back into place, grimacing as it rubbed over his sore bottom, and then rubbed at his eyes. "I think I need to wash my face," he muttered. "I don't want to end up feeling dry and cracked later."

"Here." Lucy Gray gently grasped his face and began to wash his cheeks with a damp cloth.

Coriolanus closed his eyes and let out a quiet sigh. Distantly, he thought that maybe he should wash his face himself. He wasn't a child, after all. But being taken care of her by her was soothing, and he wasn't quite ready to take back full control.

"Do you need some of that salve?" Sejanus asked softly. "You'll find it's a bit uncomfortable to sit down for at least the rest of the day...but it's not really painful."

"I don't think it's necessary at the moment," Coriolanus whispered. "Maybe in the morning, if it's still sore by then." By this time, Lucy Gray had finished washing his face and Coriolanus leaned forward, stealing a kiss from her before he turned to do the same to Sejanus.

When he broke the kiss, Coriolanus grinned, noticing the slightly glazed look on the other man's face. If it wasn't so late and he wasn't aware they needed their sleep, he would have started something between the three of them that would ultimately lead to hot, sweaty sex. But he caught the yawn Lucy Gray tried to mask, and he could see how tired Sejanus looked. So he said, quietly, "I think we should try to go back to sleep now. I don't think I'll have any nightmares, thanks to you both. I love you," he added, looking at first Lucy Gray and then at Sejanus.

Sejanus smiled, eyelids beginning to droop. "I love you too." He leaned back on the bed, shifting enough to allow Coriolanus to claim his space in the middle, with Lucy Gray on his other side.

It took only a few movements for Coriolanus to settle in place, with Sejanus nestled in close on one side and Lucy Gray on his other side. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, whispering very softly, "Thank you."

He received a murmur in response...but he wasn't sure who it came from, as everything was catching up with him. Now that he felt much calmer and at peace, sleep rushed in to overtake him.

The End