Never What You Deserve

Summary: Mav needs something other than pain

Warning(s): Spoilers for the entire movie; AU; D/s; masochism; aftermath of a whipping by a Dom; references to face slapping; references to bar fights; references to some minor injuries (a split lip and a black eye)

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He couldn’t walk straight.

Mav winced as he pulled his shirt back on and walked out of the club. It was late at night, so he didn’t need to worry about anyone seeing him and getting the wrong idea. Not that it really bothered him if anyone did see. He was long past the point of caring what those on the outside thought of him.

His back was sore. It had been worked over in the club, to the point of drawing blood. He’d let it continue past the point of agony and it had been the Dom choosing to stop, rather than he himself voicing the safeword.

He never used the safeword. But, of course, he wouldn’t tell the Doms that. Ideally, he would have found one that didn’t care about crossing the line…but the only club he’d found was very careful about vetting both the Doms and the subs who visited there.

Mav shifted slightly, letting his shirt scrape over the marks on his back, making them throb once more. Since the whipping had ended far sooner than he’d rather it did, the only way he could keep the pain at the right level was by making sure there was constant, continual irritation against the marks.

He paused as he was about to cross the street, towards his bike. A familiar figure stood there, blond hair gleaming in the moonlight. He was wearing a black leather jacket and leaning casually against the bike. His eyes were turned towards Mav, taking in his approach, so there was no chance Mav could turn round and walk away again.

Not that he would anyway. The only way he had of getting back to the school was on his bike. And Ice was standing between Mav and that.

“Ice.” He paused only a few feet from the other man and nodded to him.

“Shit, Mav.” Ice took a step towards him. “You look like hell. Did you get into another fight?”

“Not tonight.” Mav circled round behind the other man. He didn’t think the moonlight showed the bruises and marks on his face clearly, but Ice had picked up on them quickly. And only a few of the marks were from the Dom he’d talked into slapping his face until both cheeks were bright red. The marks stung when the wind hit them right, but it wasn’t enough.

He didn’t know what would be enough.

“Mav.” Ice placed a hand on his shoulder.

He couldn’t help it. The touch, as gentle as it was, sent a sharp pain through the marks on his back and he hissed out a breath before ducking away from the other man.

“What happened?” Ice stepped round to stand in front of him; reached out and placed a hand on his shoulder.

That touch didn’t aggravate anywhere he was sore and Mav straightened up, unable to make eye contact with Ice. “I’m fine. Nothing to worry about.”

“Like hell you’re fine.” Ice glanced towards the bike, then back at Mav. “I’ll take you back to the school. Take a proper look at whatever injuries you’ve got.” He sat down and pointed behind him. “Get on.”

“You realise it’s my bike.”

“Your back’s hurt,” Ice replied. “I’m not putting pressure on it by letting you be in front.”

“You could just go back on your own. You don’t have to escort me back.” But Mav walked over to the bike and sat down behind Ice. He wrapped his arms around the other man’s waist and leaned forward, resting his cheek on Ice’s back. It was more comforting than he thought it had a right to be, feeling the hard muscles pressed against him. The scent of leather was strong and mixed in with that was the smell of Ice’s cologne. There was something almost comforting about it.

Ice passed one of the helmets back and Mav put it on without a word, then wrapped his arms around Ice’s waist once more and clung on tightly.

The motorbike roared to life and Mav held on tightly to Ice as the other man took charge, heading back in the direction of the school.

The rushing wind made it impossible to speak; not that there was anything Mav could think of to say. He ran through his mind, wondering if he’d made an arrangement with Ice to meet that day. He was fairly sure he hadn’t, so why had the other man come looking for him? And how had Ice even known where he was to track him down?

His thoughts were interrupted as Ice parked the bike outside the school and switched off the engine. Mav released him, sitting back and taking off his helmet as Ice got off the bike and took his own helmet off.

The two of them headed inside the school and Ice immediately went to his own dorm.

“Wow, Ice. If I’d have known you wanted me in your bed, I would have come to see you much sooner,” Mav snarked, as he stood in the doorway of Ice’s room and watched the other man walk over to a small first aid kit he had on the table next to his bed.

“Just come in, Mav,” Ice replied. “Take your shirt off.”

Mav paused in the process of closing the door. “That’s not necessary.”

“I can see you’re hurt,” Ice said. “And it’s not the first time. I know you don’t normally get yourself treated, but I’m telling you now that I’m not going to let you pretend you’re fine. Take off your shirt, or I’ll take it off for you.”

Mav paused. It was an order; couldn’t be termed as anything but. And instead of angering him, it spoke to that part of him that only awoke at the club. His fingers went to his shirt and he began to unbutton it, unable to help but wince as the material pulled on the cuts.

“Fuck, Mav.” Shaking his head, Ice dropped the first aid kit onto the bed. “Don’t try to take that off. I’ll get a cloth and some water. Lie down.” He headed into the adjoining restroom without waiting for a response.

Mav thought about walking out. He thought about standing there stubbornly and daring Ice to strip him himself. He thought about lashing out verbally and pushing the other man away. He didn’t want to be taken care of. Did he? He didn’t need to be taken care of. Did he? And he certainly didn’t deserve to be taken care of.

“Mav.”

He looked up at Ice, who had come back out of the restroom and was stood there, holding a cloth and a pair of scissors. He just stared at the other man, unable to force his body to move, whether towards Ice or away from him.

Ice’s eyes softened and he set down the items in his hands, then walked over to Mav, taking his hand.

Mav followed where Ice led, going without protest. When the other man encouraged him to lay face down on the bed, he settled in place, hissing softly as he felt the gentle tug on his shirt as Ice began to work.

“I don’t think I’m going to be able to save the shirt,” Ice said. “I’ll need to use the scissors to cut it free. These don’t look like wounds you got randomly, Mav. Did you get a Dom to whip you?” His voice was low; filled with concern. And his touches on Mav’s back were light and gentle, even if they did cause the marks to sting and throb.

Mav breathed in deep when he felt the scissors cut through his shirt. They didn’t hurt, but he could feel the sharpness of the blade against his skin. He could tell that Ice was being as careful as possible, wetting the shirt where it had stuck to his back and gently pulling it free.

It took a few moments for Mav to remember that Ice had asked him a question and he responded while clenching his fingers in the comforter. “It’s the only way I can get the pain I deserve.”

Ice was silent for a few moments, but Mav could feel him cleaning the cuts out on his back. It stung, but the pain wasn’t unbearable. It wasn’t what he needed.

“Why do you think you deserve pain?”

Mav’s breath hitched. Not at the words, but at the gentle touch. Ice was touching him and taking care of him and it brought such intense emotions to the surface, moisture filled his eyes. “Why are you taking care of me?” He couldn’t keep the note of confusion out of his voice. “Pretty sure you hate me.”

“Mav….” Ice sighed. “Honestly, sometimes you can be so fucking dense.” He reached out and linked his fingers through Mav’s.

Mav stared dumbly at their joined hands. “You’re holding my hand.” What he really wanted to say was, you’re touching me. You’re being gentle and I don’t know why. And I think you’re going to break me if you don’t stop. But he didn’t say the words. If he said them, Ice might stop. And he didn’t want that. Even if he believed he deserved pain more than he deserved gentleness, he couldn’t bring himself to reject it.

“Yeah,” Ice agreed. He stroked his fingers over the top of Mav’s hand, even as he continued to clean the cuts. He only let go of Mav to begin treating the marks with ointment, placing bandages on areas on his back.

Mav blinked back the tears that threatened to fall. He hadn’t cried when he’d been whipped by the Dom. Or when he’d been involved in the bar fights. He couldn’t understand why Ice’s gentle touches and care were making him so emotional.

It took a few minutes for Ice to finish treating all of the marks and then he stretched out alongside Mav. He reached out and stroked his fingers over the red marks on Mav’s cheeks. “Were these from the Dom too?”

Mav swallowed and closed his eyes, not able to look into Ice’s. “The cheek slapping,” he admitted hoarsely. “The split lip and the black eye were from a bar fight I got into.”

“Why do you think you deserve to be hurt?”

“You can’t see it?” Mav asked, opening his eyes again. “I’m a screwup. I should have died instead of Goose.” His breath hitched and more tears filled his eyes.

“You can’t think like that.” Ice wrapped an arm around Mav’s waist, tugging him in close. “You don’t deserve to die.”

“Neither did Goose.” Mav’s voice was soft and very hurt. He closed his eyes.

There was the brush of lips against his eyelids; feather-light kisses that were so gentle, they made him tremble. He wasn’t used to gentleness and it threatened to make him come undone.

When Ice pulled back, Mav opened his eyes, unable to stop the tears from falling. He turned his face away, so that the other man couldn’t see the tears.

“You don’t need to hide your tears, Mav.” Ice touched his hand to Mav’s cheek; cupped it in one hand. “You didn’t grieve properly when Goose died, did you? I know you’re trying to hide how you feel from everyone else, but you don’t have to hide here and now.”

Unable to help himself, Mav pressed his face into Ice’s hand. He didn’t feel he deserved gentle or soft, but that didn’t mean he wanted to pull away from it. Still…. “I shouldn’t be crying,” he whispered. “It’s….”

“Don’t say weak,” Ice warned.

“Why? Or you’ll hit me?” A hint of hope crept into Mav’s voice. Maybe, if Ice could give him what he needed, he wouldn’t need to go searching for it somewhere else.

Ice leaned in and kissed him; a light pressure of lips against his. Pulling back slightly, he whispered in Mav’s ear, “You want me to hurt you, rather than going to a Dom outside? I’ll agree to that, but I’m not going to draw blood. I won’t leave you unable to walk right. And the only way I’ll agree to this is if I get to take care of you afterwards. To cuddle and kiss and caress you. I’m not going to hurt you without taking care of you afterwards.”

“I don’t deserve to be taken care of. I….”

Ice kissed him again, this time a little harder, just enough to make his lip twinge. “You can go to a Dom at a club, or you can let me be your Dom. But whether it’s me or someone else, I’ll be taking care of you afterwards.”

The tone was gentle, but it was clear Ice wasn’t going to accept any argument. And instead of frustrating him or worrying him, the insistence calmed Mav. Ice’s arms were still wrapped around him and he let himself relax into the embrace, closing his eyes and laying his head on the other man’s shoulder. “You’ll hurt me as much as I need?” he asked softly.

“As much as it’s safe,” Ice corrected. “Not to the extent that I can see you’re hurting now. I don’t want to hurt you at all, but I know I can do it without it being dangerous. Or leaving you with marks that’ll last longer.”

“So you really don’t hate me?” Mav asked softly.

“No, Mav.” Another gentle kiss and then the whispered words, “I’m stuck on you. I love you.”

Mav closed his eyes as the tears came once more. But this time, he didn’t try to hide them from Ice. He leaned forward and he pressed his own lips to Ice’s before whispering, “I love you too.”

It wasn’t perfect, but Ice was there and he was warm and tender. And even though Mav thought he needed to hurt…it was the tenderness that was undoing him.

The End