More Than Anything

Summary: Part of the month of mini-ficlets. Tag to the season three episode Stealing Fire. Bryan has made his decision... but he feels guilty
Warning(s): Spanking; spoilers up to and including the season three episode Stealing Fire
Pairing: Miller/Bryan - slash; canon relationship

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Making his decision hadn't taken long at all, because really, it wasn't just about choosing who was more important... it was about choosing what was right. And Bryan had thought about it... and he knew Pike's way was wrong. Had been wrong from the start, if he was honest. The only thing holding him at the Chancellor's side was the fact he owed Pike his life.

But even more important than that... was Nathan.

Bryan didn't think he was a coward, but it had taken him far too long to muster up the courage to tell Nathan what he'd decided. But it wasn't even about that. From the moment he'd planted the bug on his boyfriend, he'd felt guilty and like he'd broken Nathan's trust. While he didn't regret coming clean... he couldn't imagine Nathan being able to trust him again, even though he was secure in his place in his boyfriend's affections.

As he reached the room he and Nathan shared, Bryan was relieved he hadn't run into Pike or any of his fellow soldiers. He was almost certain that his traitorous thoughts showed on his face.

Forcing down the urge to knock (Nathan hadn't told him to leave. He hadn't broken up with him), Bryan opened the door and stepped into the room, closing the door behind him.

Nathan paused in the act of checking his weapons and looked at him. He didn't say anything... but if Bryan had harboured any doubts about his decision, one look at Nathan's face would have shattered all of those.

Bryan didn't speak. He didn't need to tell Nathan he chose him, because what other choice was there? And Nathan must have read the decision on his face, because he reached Bryan in a few quick strides. Reaching out, he clasped Bryan's neck, drawing him in close for a deep kiss.

Pressing closer to his boyfriend, Bryan allowed himself to be kissed... but he couldn't shake the feeling he didn't deserve this. Nathan had trusted him, even though they'd been on opposite sides. He'd betrayed him.

Nathan must have sensed Bryan's hesitation, because he pulled back to look into his eyes, his hand absently stroking the back of his neck. "Are you having second thoughts?"

"No... never," Bryan promised. "But..." He swallowed. "I planted the bug on you... I broke your trust..."

Nathan closed his eyes briefly. "I've been listening in to Pike and his plans with Kane. You're not the only one who feels like they've betrayed people who trusted them."

"But you're my boyfriend."

Nathan squeezed his shoulder. "And I love you. I know you love me. Being on opposite sides was hard. I know that turning against Pike is hard. I forgive you for planting that bug... will you forgive me for being so distant?"

Bryan shook his head. "You didn't do anything wrong."

"I should have trusted you'd do the right thing."

Bryan didn't know how to explain that, to him, it wasn't the same thing. He'd taken advantage of Nathan's trust in him to plant that bug... and even though his boyfriend had been listening in to Pike, Nathan hadn't bugged him.

Nathan gently patted Bryan's shoulder and the next thing he knew, he was being led over to the bed. Swallowing, Bryan didn't pull away. "What are you doing?"

"Feeling guilty isn't going to help. You can't forgive yourself? Then I'm going to help you." Nathan's voice was calm as he sat down on the bed and gently pulled Bryan over his lap.

This wasn't the first time Bryan had been in this position... not even the first time with his boyfriend, although those had been more for erotic purposes than what he suspected Nathan had in mind now. Swallowing, he let his head drop against the blanket, unable to help tensing up as his pants were eased down to bare his backside.

"I love you."

Nathan's declaration rang clear in Bryan's ears as his boyfriend started spanking him. Bryan squirmed uncomfortably, unable to shake the feeling that, no matter how Nathan worded it, he was being punished for betraying his boyfriend.

The smacks were hard, though not unbearably so. Bryan grunted at first, but when Nathan's hand began covering already-swatted territory, he felt tears fill his eyes... tears that were more to do with the guilt he didn't need to carry around than the pain of the spanking. "I'm sorry."

"You don't need to be sorry," Nathan said. "No matter what happens, nothing is going to change my feelings for you. I'm not angry with you. But you need to let go of this... because we've weathered everything else. I don't want this to be the thing that breaks us."

As if Nathan's words were the permission he needed, Bryan slumped over his boyfriend's lap, sobbing softly. He felt himself lifted into Nathan's arms and immediately latched onto the warmth and comfort.

It only took a few moments for Bryan's tears to die down and when he was calm, he felt his chin grazed as Nathan touched him, coaxing him to raise his head so that they could kiss.

And this time, there was no urge to pull back from what he felt like he didn't deserve.

The End