Living With Loss

Summary: Half of all life has disappeared. And Maria Rambeau is alone
Warning(s): Spoilers up to Infinity War; some references to violence; AU
Pairing: Carol Danvers/Maria Rambeau

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Half of the whole world had gone. Including her own daughter. Maria had only been able to watch, helplessly, as Monica had dissolved into dust before her very eyes. By the time the shock had worn off and she’d thought to try and hold onto her daughter, the dust had slipped through her fingers.

She hadn’t been able to hold onto the only thing that had remained of Monica.

She wasn’t the only one who had lost. Everywhere she turned and everywhere she looked, she could see the evidence of all that everyone had lost. And whenever she returned home to her apartment, all she could see was who wasn’t there. That her daughter was gone. Maybe dead, but no one knew for sure what had happened to all those who had disappeared.

It was why Maria spent most of her time at SWORD. Devising policies now that half of her agents had gone. And also working on policies for when they came back. Because she had to believe that they’d get back who they lost. If she didn’t let herself hope, if she let herself believe even for a second that they wouldn’t come back, she wouldn’t be able to make herself get up in the mornings.

Nearly two weeks after half of the world had disappeared, Maria returned home after a long, exhausting day filled with meetings. Although the cancer had gone, she still felt the after-effects of the chemotherapy; still got tired more quickly than usual.

As she stepped into the apartment, Maria couldn’t help but reflect that she still couldn’t get used to the silence. Her apartment was far too quiet and as she turned the light on and leaned back against the door, she closed her eyes, pretending, just for an instant, that she could her daughter moving around the apartment.

And then there was a knock on the door.

She immediately stood up straighter and then turned round, narrowing her eyes at the door. She stepped back, moving towards the doorway that led through to the main room, and put her hand on the gun in its holster. “Who’s there?” she called.

“It’s me. Carol.”

To say Maria was taken aback by the response would be an understatement. She hadn’t seen Carol since Monica had been a child; since they’d saved the Skrulls and Carol had left to find them a new home. What was she doing here now? How had she even tracked Maria down? Was it even Carol? The voice sounded like hers, but Maria had seen so many strange things, she couldn’t rule out any possibility.

Still keeping her hand on the gun, Maria stepped towards the door and undid the bolt, then pulled the door open.

The woman standing on the other side certainly looked like Carol, but Maria still didn’t lower her guard. Or step back to let Carol into the apartment. She eyed the woman and asked, a suspicious note creeping into her voice, “How did you find me?”

Carol tilted her head to one side and smiled. “Do you really think Fury wouldn’t have kept tabs on where you were?”

“Fury’s not here.” Maria narrowed her eyes, allowing her gaze to sweep up and down Carol’s body. “You haven’t changed even a little.” She shook her head. “It’s like not even a day has gone past since you left.” Her voice was low and even. It didn’t betray how she felt about her best friend disappearing for so long. She’d grown too used to hiding how she really felt about all that had happened.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been back until now.” Carol cast a glance back over her shoulder and then focused on Maria once more. “If you want me to leave, I will. But I know that Monica was one of those who was taken and I didn’t want you to be alone.”

“If you didn’t want that, then you would have come back earlier.” Maria moved her hand away from the gun and took a step back, allowing Carol to step into the apartment. “Where have you been all this time?” As she asked the question, she moved into the main room and walked into the open kitchen, aware of Carol following her after hearing the apartment door close. The other woman kept her distance, though, and Maria couldn’t quite decide if she was relieved or disappointed by that.

“Earth has the Avengers that Fury formed to protect it,” Carol said quietly. “There are a lot of planets that haven’t had that kind of protection.”

“And you’re always trying to do the right thing.” Maria took down a bottle of red wine and two glasses. She poured out the crimson liquid and then slid one of the glasses across the counter towards Carol.

The other woman picked up the glass, but didn’t immediately drink it. In a soft voice, she said, “I should have come back.”

“Of course you should have.” Maria drew in a deep breath, but it didn’t stop her shaking. She gripped her own glass so tight, it was a wonder it didn’t shatter in her hand. “You’re back now. Why? Because Fury called you?” Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Carol flinch and shook her head. “You came back for him. Not me.”

“That’s not true.” Carol put her glass down and stepped nearer to Maria; reached out and plucked the wine glass from her hand. “I never stopped thinking about you.” She put Maria’s glass on the counter next to her own and then reached out once more, placing her hand on Maria’s cheek, thumb stroking over her lips.

The touch was gentle. Tender. But Maria could feel the strength in the other woman. Knew that Carol could easily break her in half. It wasn’t something she’d ever thought she’d find to be a turn-on before, but now, she found herself leaning forward. Pressing into the touch. Lips falling open as she whispered, “You missed out on a lot.”

“The Avengers are working on a plan to get them back. The ones who Thanos took.” Carol’s other hand slipped through Maria’s hair, catching the strands between her fingers. “I can’t stay here, on Earth, while they decide what to do next. Other planets need help too.” She hesitated. Looked into Maria’s eyes. Whispered, “I know I’ve been gone for a long time, so I probably have no right to ask this of you. But I’d really like it if you would come with me.”

“You want me to come with you? Really?” A slow smile spread across Maria’s face. “Not because you feel guilty about leaving me alone for so long?” She stepped closer to Carol, so they were touching, hyper-aware of how near they were to each other. It would take only one movement for them to kiss.

Carol made that movement, hand guiding Maria’s face forward so that their lips met.

The kiss was soft and warm and tender. Maria moved her hands up to wrap them around the woman who’d been her best friend and was now so much more. Even after they broke the kiss, they still held onto each other.

Maria took a few moments to catch her breath and then whispered, “I still have responsibilities. I have to be able to keep in contact. Come back here to Earth if SWORD needs me.” She paused. “If we can make those arrangements, so that I can check in and return when I’m needed, then yes. I’d like to go with you.”

“Come with me to the Avengers compound and we’ll get something sorted out.” Carol took a step back, letting go of Maria and instead holding her hand out.

“Are we going to fly there?” Maria put her hand into Carol’s.

“That’s the idea.” Carol smiled. “It won’t be quite the same as flying in a plane or a spaceship, but I think you’ll enjoy it.”

“I’m sure I will.” Maria gripped on tightly.

This was the second time in the space of two weeks that her life was changing. But hopefully, this time, it would be for the better.

The End