If Only You Were Here

Summary: Ray has had to leave Walter to go on an undercover assignment. He misses his partner
Warning(s): References to spanking; spoilers for the movie Thunderheart; AU; some references to violence
Pairing: Walter Crow Horse/Ray Levoi
Author’s Note: Written for TheCarlySutra as part of a fic/art exchange. Her artwork is on my site, on the Thunderheart and The Locals page, for the story Purely Evil

###

He lay on the thin mattress in the tiny, dingy motel room. The walls that surrounded him were covered in dirt and grime and he could see hints of mould growing in the corners. A thin, tattered blanket was folded at the foot of the bed. It was cold in the room, but he didn’t plan to use something he thought might be motheaten, at the very least.

It was nearly impossible to sleep. Ray was tired. Exhausted, really. But every time he closed his eyes, Walter’s face swam in his vision. He missed his partner with the same kind of pain he imagined would come from losing a limb.

It was making him lose his edge. He’d never imagined going back undercover would be so difficult. Of course, the previous times he’d completed undercover missions, he hadn’t had someone waiting back home for him.

And now, he did.

He’d only been on this mission for four days now. Had infiltrated himself into the gang by doing a lot of things that went against everything he was. People had been hurt. Thankfully, he hadn’t had to kill anyone who was innocent, but he wasn’t naïve enough to believe that wouldn’t eventually come. He could only hope he’d be able to live with himself when it was all finally over.

It was nearly two in the morning and he wasn’t going to sleep. At least any time soon. And then sunrise would roll around and he’d be so tired, he wouldn’t be able to keep his eyes open. He’d spend the whole day chugging coffee like it was water and by the time night came round again, he’d be suffering through another sleepless night. Wishing that his partner was by his side and that he’d never agreed to do this undercover mission.

He'd left the reservation once before, but had turned back. Because leaving had meant turning away from Walter and everything they’d been through together. At the time, he’d promised himself that he wouldn’t leave again. That he and Walter belonged with and to each other. And he couldn’t fully explain, not even to himself, why leaving on this mission had felt so wrong. They hadn’t split up. And, in fact, Walter had encouraged him to take on the mission.

Maybe neither of them had truly considered what it would mean to be apart. Ray knew he certainly hadn’t.

Glancing at his phone, Ray let out a quiet groan. It was only ten past two in the morning. It was going to be a long several hours before it was time for him to get up. Time for him to throw on his role once more. Time to spend another day away from the man he loved.

He was dialling before he even thought about it. Putting the phone to his ear and listening to it ring.

After only two rings, Walter’s warm voice sounded on the other end. “Ray? Is everything all right?”

Ray’s whole body relaxed at hearing Walter’s voice and he let out a deep, heavy sigh, closing his eyes. “It is now.” He spoke the words and then blushed bright red, cheeks growing hot, thankful that Walter wasn’t there to see his reaction. “I mean, I….” His voice trailed off. Who was he kidding? What he’d just said was the truth. “Yeah. That’s exactly what I meant,” he admitted finally.

“I know it’s hard.” Walter’s voice was low and soothing. If Ray had woken him up, he gave no sign of it. “We talked about it, Ray. This was important to you.”

“It still is.” Ray thought about throwing in the towel and giving up, but he knew he couldn’t. That he’d forever regret it if he did. Even so…. “I wish you were here with me,” he blurted out.

Walter’s laugh was warm and sent a tingle down Ray’s spine. “And if I was there, just how many actions would have earned you a trip over my knee?” he asked.

“All of them.” Ray winced as his own mouth decided to betray him. Chose to tell on him. His shoulders slumped and he sighed. “I’m doing a lot that I don’t agree with. That…that I wouldn’t choose to do otherwise.” He didn’t want to go into details. Couldn’t bring himself to tell Walter exactly what he’d been doing, especially not over the phone. Maybe in person. Maybe he could tell his lover about it in person.

“Enough for the paddle?” Walter’s voice was soft. Conversational, almost.

Ray’s backside twitched in anticipation, even though it was ‘safe’ for now and his lover wasn’t there to make him answer for his actions. Maybe that was what made him give an honest answer. “Bad enough to deserve your belt,” he admitted softly, fingers tightening on the phone.

“Okay.” Walter’s voice was calm. He didn’t raise it. Didn’t shout. “Then when you come home, I’m going to hug you tight. Then, you’re going to undress, down to only your underwear, and take a shower.”

“Why a shower?” Ray asked, unable to hide the note of confusion in his voice.

Ignoring the question, Walter continued, “I’ll put a towel down on the bed and you’ll lay over it, in your soaked underwear. And then I’ll take off my belt and thrash your ass.”

Ray’s bottom twitched and he closed his eyes. It sounded harsh, but if he was honest, he needed harsh. If his lover didn’t make him answer for what he’d done, didn’t punish him for it, he knew he’d never be able to put it behind him. He’d end up leaving Walter because, in his own eyes, he wouldn’t deserve to be with his lover. Wouldn’t deserve to be happy. “After?” he whispered. “After, you’ll forgive me?”

“I don’t need to tan you to forgive you, Ray,” Walter murmured. “The thrashing won’t be about me forgiving you. It’ll be about you forgiving yourself.”

“I love you,” Ray whispered.

Walter’s smile could be heard in his voice. “I love you too, Ray. Now….” His voice turned a bit more serious, almost stern. “It’s late. You need to sleep now.”

“I think I can,” Ray admitted. “Now that I’ve spoken to you, I feel better.”

“I love you,” Walter reiterated. “And I’m waiting for you, Ray. I’ll be here for when you come home. No matter what you do. No matter what happens.”

“Thank you,” Ray whispered.

“Sleep, Ray.”

Ray closed his eyes obediently. He stretched out on the bed. And he let sleep take him over, secure in his relationship and that he had Walter to go home to.

The End