I Don’t Know Who To Trust

Summary: Even when it’s hard to know who to trust, sometimes there’s a person who can break down the walls in spite of everything
Warning(s): Spanking; spoilers for book two: Good Girl, Bad Blood, along with minor spoilers for the prequel novella, Kill Joy; AU; references to violence and canon character death
Pairing: Stanley Forbes/Jamie Reynolds

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He’d hit another dead end.

When Stanley returned to his house, it was with his shoulders slumped and the bitter taste of failure in his mouth. Yes, there were other avenues he could try; other leads he could follow. But the more time that passed without knowing who Layla Mead was, the more likely it was that his secret would have to come out. And then he’d need to leave, yet again. Just like he’d had to so many times before.

But leaving this town would hurt the most. He had no doubts about that.

Breathing in deeply, Stanley locked the door behind him and made sure the security system was still alarmed. Then, he headed to the toilet door and knocked gently.

“Is that pizza I smell?” Jamie’s hopeful voice carried through the gap.

“Ham and pepperoni. With extra cheese.” Stanley pushed the pizza box through the gap. When he felt it taken from his hand, he sat down, letting his back rest against the door.

“You eating anything?” Jamie asked quietly.

Stanley stared at the remaining pizza box. “Later.” Maybe. He didn’t really have much of an appetite, to be honest. Not knowing that Layla Mead was out there, and constantly wondering what she planned to do with the knowledge of his past. He took in a deep breath again, though it did nothing for the pain he was feeling, and let his head drop back against the door. “Are you warm enough? Do you need another blanket?”

“No. Actually, once you get past it being a toilet, this place is pretty comfortable.” There was the sound of rustling…of food being chewed. Then, “You should really eat something.”

“I will. Later.” Stanley continued to stare at his own pizza box, without really seeing it. “I’m not all that hungry.”

There was silence for a few moments, then Jamie offered, hesitantly, “I’m sorry. If I’d have known…if I’d thought…I should have gone with my gut when she told me what to do. What she wanted from me. I should have run in the opposite direction. Better yet, I should have called the police. Told them….” His voice trailed off.

“It’s not your fault,” Stanley whispered. “You loved her.” Or he thought he had, which really amounted to the same thing. “She was able to manipulate you because of that.”

“Like your dad manipulated you.”

Stanley tensed at the words. No, not the words. At the tone. Understanding. Compassion. Things he’d longed for, before realising he could never have them. That he could never deserve them. “It’s not the same thing.”

“Yeah. You’re right,” Jamie agreed. “You were just a child. A little kid. I’m an adult. I should know better.”

“That’s not what I….” Stanley blinked as moisture filled his eyes. One tear fell down his cheek, quickly followed by more. He put his hands over his face and he sobbed. He tried to be quiet, but the stress and pain of years of keeping everything bottled up, of keeping everything inside, was getting to him.

“Hey…” Jamie whispered.

Stanley gulped back tears and pressed the heel of his hand against his eyes, trying to stem the flow. “Don’t.” The word was a hoarse, ragged sound.

“You’re not a bad person.” Jamie’s voice was quiet. Intense. Absolutely confident in his words.

“I’ve locked you in my toilet. Your family’s searching for you. Pip’s searching for you.” Stanley stared, unseeing, at the far wall. “If I’d been a good person, I would have taken you to the hospital. That was the right, the good thing, to do.” Even now, he was second guessing himself. If Jamie had shown any signs of a concussion, of any serious injury, Stanley liked to believe he would have done the right thing. No matter the cost.

“Considering I tried to kill you, you’ve been far kinder than I deserve.” There was a heavy note of self-loathing in Jamie’s voice.

Stanley swallowed hard, forcing back his tears. Somehow, hearing Jamie’s own guilt helped to calm him even more. Abruptly and without really thinking about it, he put his hand through the gap in the door. “Once I figure out who she is and what she wants from me so that she’ll stay silent…you can go back. And all of this will just feel like a bad dream,” he promised.

His hand was taken and gripped by James’ own tight, firm, warm hand. “I don’t want to go home and pretend that nothing happened.”

“It’s the best thing for both of us.” Of course, even once he found out who Layla Mead truly was, he’d likely have to leave anyway. He’d have to pick a new name and a new identity…build a new life. And Stanley Forbes and everything he represented would be dead…including the chance to actually be a good person. “Do you want to come out of there? Just for a little while?” He couldn’t have said what made him make the offer, only…Jamie’s hand was warm and comforting in his own, and it had been so long since he’d been physically close to someone who knew his secret.

“Like actually…out of this bathroom?” Jamie asked. “And watch a movie together, maybe? Just something normal,” he added.

Stanley drew in a deep, nearly steadying breath. Then he did it again. And a third time. “I can’t let you go. Not until I know who she is. But I can let you out of there for a bit. So you can watch some television. Stretch your legs.”

“Get a better look at you.”

Stanley found himself faltering a little. “You’ve already seen me.”

“Not since knowing the truth about you.” Jamie’s grip tightened a fraction. “I’d like to come out. Even if all we do is watch a movie together, I can get to know you…and maybe you can get to know me better.”

“Yeah. Okay.” Stanley pulled his hand free of Jamie’s, and immediately regretted the action, as he felt the lack of warmth keenly. He pushed that outside, though and stood up, slowly opening the bathroom door.

This was the first time he’d seen Jamie properly since bringing the younger man back to his house. Visibly, Jamie looked fine. There was no blood from where he’d hit his head. His eyes were bright and clear. His clothes were clean, and his hair was neatly brushed. He’d quite obviously made use of Stanley’s toiletries, which made Stanley feel marginally better. It might not be an ideal situation, but at least the younger man’s basic needs were being met.

Jamie stood up slowly and smiled at Stanley. It was a sweet, entirely innocent smile…devoid of any blame or anger, either at Stanley or at the situation he was in. “I still have a bit of pizza left. We could eat together while we watch something?” he suggested.

It sounded…so normal. Something that friends would do. Something maybe even a couple would do. Stanley couldn’t bring himself to say anything. Maybe it was silly, but he was worried that if he spoke, it would shatter the illusion of this moment; that one or both of them would remember the situation they were in and that they couldn’t be friends. So he didn’t say anything and instead, he moved back from the doorway, to allow Jamie to exit the bathroom.

Jamie moved slowly out of the bathroom, squinting a little. He carried his pizza box in one hand and used his other to brace himself against the wall as he looked around. “This isn’t what I was expecting your place to look like,” he said finally.

“It’s not?” In spite of the situation, in spite of himself, Stanley felt a tiny smile tug at the corners of his mouth. “What were you expecting?” As he asked the question, he began to move through the hallway…leading the way to his living room. Almost as an afterthought, he picked up his own pizza box.

He still didn’t really feel hungry, but if Jamie was going to be eating, he could probably do so as well.

“I don’t know. I guess I just figured you’d have more personal items here.” Jamie paused briefly before continuing, “But now that I think about it, it makes sense that you don’t, since you’ve had to hide so much of yourself for so long.” He followed Stanley into the living room and paused in the doorway, looking around.

“I thought….” Stanley cleared his throat. He took a deep breath. “I thought maybe I could have filled this place with photos. With memories. I thought….” His voice trailed off. He hadn’t told Becca the truth about his past, but he’d still thought that maybe they could build a life together; that he would be able to leave his history and his old life behind.

“And then Pip came along and started digging.”

“I made a mistake.” Once again, he found himself speaking without thinking. This was the first time he’d said those words out loud. He’d written letters apologising, of course; to Sal’s family, and to Pip. But he hadn’t said those words out loud before, whether to someone else or even himself. I made a mistake.

“So did I.” Jamie’s eyes were fixed on his. “I listened to someone who was lying to me, when I should have known better.”

Stanley shook his head. “It’s not the same thing.”

“Isn’t it?” Jamie set the pizza box he was carrying on the coffee table. “I thought I could trust Layla. You trusted that the police had found the person who murdered Andie. We both trusted people we thought we could believe in.” He shook his head. “You at least have the excuse of it being the justice system you believed in.”

“I shouldn’t have brought you here,” Stanley whispered.

“I’m glad you did.” Jamie stepped closer to him, moving into his personal space. He took the pizza box from Stanley’s unresisting hands and placed it on top of his own.

“I’m not…good.” Stanley’s voice was shaking. His hands were shaking. “I’m not a good man.”

“I don’t agree.” Jamie reached out and placed his hands on Stanley’s shoulders. He leaned forward, breath wafting over Stanley’s lips for several long, almost agonising seconds. Then, he pressed his lips to Stanley’s.

The kiss was enough to take his breath away. Stanley raised his hands, with the intention of gently pushing Jamie away from him. Instead, he clasped the younger man’s waist and pulled Jamie closer. He returned the kiss, breathing in Jamie’s own unique scent. His hands trembled where they held Jamie’s waist and he clenched his fingers against the fabric of Jamie’s shirt to stop them.

When Jamie broke the kiss, he didn’t step away from Stanley. Instead, his arms crept around Stanley’s waist and rested his head against his shoulder. “I’m sorry I attacked you.”

“I’m sorry I locked you in my bathroom.” Stanley whispered the words into Jamie’s hair and closed his eyes. Where their bodies touched, warmth radiated through him. It was no longer just his hands trembling. Now, his whole body was shaking. If he and Jamie hadn’t been holding onto each other, he had no doubt he would have fallen.

“Will you spank me?”

Stanley flinched at the question that broke the silence and opened his eyes. He looked down into Jamie’s eyes, unable to stop himself from carding his fingers through the younger man’s hair. It felt soft and silky against his skin. “Why?”

Jamie shrugged, his shoulders gently brushing against Stanley’s chest. “I think it would be a clean slate,” he admitted. “Besides. If you spank me and I submit to it, it’ll help you trust me. I tried to attack you. I listened to and trusted someone even when my instincts told me I couldn’t trust her. If I hadn’t listened to what she was telling me, none of this would have happened. You only did this because of what I did first.”

“I’ve never spanked anyone before.” It wasn’t a refusal. Stanley felt warm in a way he’d never felt before. He felt seen in a way he’d never experienced before. So he was entertaining the suggestion. Because Jamie saw him and knew him…and he couldn’t make himself push the other man away, even though he thought he probably should.

Jamie hid his face against Stanley’s neck. “I’ve never been spanked before.” He whispered the words, his breath tickling Stanley’s skin. “But it might have solved a lot of the problems in my family if I had been.”

“Why now?” Really, what Stanley wanted to ask was why me? But if he put voice to that question, it might put a stop to whatever was happening between them. The shaky foundations of what was building would crumble and fall.

“I made…a lot of stupid mistakes in the last couple of weeks,” Jamie admitted. “What I did could have ended with one or both of us seriously hurt…maybe even dead. If that isn’t something that I should be punished for, I don’t know what is.”

“All right.” There wasn’t really a lot else Stanley could say to that. He didn’t know what Jamie was expecting; if he had any ideas of how this was supposed to go. But if it was up to Stanley himself, he’d make it as personal as possible. And as long as Jamie didn’t try to stop him or voice a protest, he was going to follow his instincts. So he took a step back, immediately feeling bereft of Jamie’s touch. Ignoring that, he instead took hold of Jamie’s hand and led the younger man over to the couch, before sitting down.

Jamie followed willingly and stood in front of Stanley. For a few moments, they just looked at each other…as if waiting for one of them to break the spell; to laugh and say it was just a joke.

And then Jamie turned slightly to the side. He bent at the waist. And he carefully placed himself into position over Stanley’s lap.

Abruptly, it seemed like everything came to a standstill. Stanley rested his hand on Jamie’s lower back, rubbing gently for a few moments before he slipped his fingers into the waistband of Jamie’s trousers and slowly peeled them down.

There was no protest or argument from Jamie, even when his underwear followed the same path as his trousers. Once he was fully bared, from his waist down to his knees, he reached his hands back, crossing them at the wrists.

“Are you sure you’ve never been spanked before?” Stanley asked, gently grasping Jamie’s hands in his.

“Yeah. I just figured this might be easier.”

Stanley nodded, even though Jamie wouldn’t be able to see it. Gently squeezing the other man’s hands, he lifted his free hand and brought it down in a firm smack.

The sound of flesh striking flesh echoed through the room and Stanley couldn’t help but flinch at the sound. He paused, waiting to see if Jamie told him that was enough. That he’d changed his mind. There was a very faint pink mark where he’d struck the right buttock and he let his hand rest there, rubbing without conscious thought.

Jamie shifted slightly, but didn’t pull away. And he didn’t tell Stanley to stop, or that he’d changed his mind.

After a moment or two, Stanley lifted his hand and brought it down in a matching swat on the opposite side. He didn’t pause after the second smack, instead peppering Jamie’s entire backside with the swats, working his way from the crest down to mid-thigh. He completed two full circuits of the smacks and then paused, beginning to rub Jamie’s backside again.

“I’m sorry I tried to attack you,” Jamie whispered, his voice hitching slightly. “I’m sorry I listened to and trusted someone who I knew was lying to me.”

“I know you are.” Stanley squeezed Jamie’s hands and then resumed swatting his bare backside, beginning to smack a bit harder and faster. Under his punishing hand, Jamie’s bottom was shading from a light pink to a darker shade…and he began to sniffle quietly, shifting in place.

By the time Stanley paused, Jamie’s bottom was a uniform dark pink in colour. He kept his hand in place, rubbing gently, as he spoke. “I know you didn’t intend to hurt anyone, even if you did come to confront me with a knife. But you’re right that you should have known better. When I reacted, you could have been hurt so much worse than hitting your head and getting a temporary concussion.” As it occurred to him just how much danger Jamie had put himself in (he could have died), Stanley resumed smacking, speeding up the swats. He lifted his knee enough to expose the creases between buttocks and thighs, the sit spots, and began to turn them the same shade of pink as the rest of Jamie’s bottom.

“I’m sorry.” Jamie began to sob, his body slumping over Stanley’s lap. “I shouldn’t have been so stupid…!”

“Not stupid. But you trusted the wrong person. You shouldn’t have trusted Layla when you realised she’d lied about her identity. And you definitely shouldn’t have trusted her when she told you to come and meet me after convincing you I was a threat to her.” He continued to smack as he spoke, turning Jamie’s bottom to a colour that bordered on ruby red.

Jamie was crying hard now; too hard to speak. His hands were trembling where Stanley held onto him…his whole body was shaking with the force of his sobs.

Stanley winced. He let go of Jamie’s hands and carefully pulled the younger man’s underwear back into place, though he left the trousers alone. Then, he helped Jamie to stand and wrapped his arms around the younger man in a tight hug. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

Swallowing hard, Jamie wrapped his arms around Stanley and clung on tightly, fiercely. “You didn’t do anything wrong,” he whispered. “You helped me. Just like I asked you to.”

“I hurt you.”

“I mean…the spanking hurt.” Jamie winced. “And it still stings. I’m going to feel it every time I sit down, at least for the rest of the day. But I feel better inside,” he admitted. “In my head and in my heart. I don’t feel guilty anymore. Because of you.”

Stanley relaxed a little. Placing a hand on Jamie’s cheek, he looked into his eyes. “I’m glad I could help you.”

“Maybe it’s your turn to accept help?” Jamie suggested. “Take out your phone. Call Pip and tell her everything.”

“She won’t understand.”

“She will,” Jamie insisted. “Give her a chance.” A slow grin spread across his face. “You should have seen her at the murder mystery party my brother set up. She was already solving cases before she turned her sights on Sal and Andie.”

Jamie’s belief was contagious, but Stanley still hesitated. Even after he reached for his phone, he had to ask, “You’ll stay with me?”

“As long as you want me to,” Jamie promised.

Stanley took a deep breath. He unlocked the phone’s screen. Then, he put in Pip’s number and swiped the Call icon before putting it to his ear.

The phone began to ring.

The End