Guilt And Loss

Summary: Set after the season one finale. Two people feel guilty. The help is the same, but the emotions are different
Warning(s): Spanking; spoilers for the first season of Torchwood; AU; references to death and violence; some sexual scenes between two men
Pairing: Jack/Ianto
Author’s Note: Assume that this story takes place directly after the season one finale and that the Doctor’s return occurs later

###

“I thought you were really dead this time.”

Ianto’s words echoed in the quiet stillness that had fallen between them. The quiet was a stark contrast to the hot, sticky, Thank God you’re alive sex they’d just indulged in.

Or maybe Jack was projecting. After all, Ianto had never indicated he wanted anything more than sex. And that was okay with Jack. He’d grown used to being immortal, at least as much as it was possible to. Sooner or later, he’d be the only one left out of the current Torchwood team.

“It didn’t feel anything like I thought it would.”

Ianto’s words cut through Jack’s thoughts, muttered as they were into his chest. He was hiding his face there, warm breath tickling over Jack’s bare skin.

“If you want to have a serious conversation, I think one or both of us needs to be dressed,” Jack said.

Ianto lifted his head off Jack’s chest and looked into his eyes. “I let you down.” He swallowed visibly; glanced away. “Not for the first time, either.”

“Hey.” Jack grasped Ianto’s chin firmly, encouraging the other man to look at him. “You never let me down.”

“Lisa.”

Her name hung between them; like touching a tender wound, Jack could sense the hurt that lay beneath the surface. He sighed and slid out from under Ianto, beginning to pull his clothes on.

“What are you doing?” Ianto asked.

“I told you. One or both of us needs to be dressed for this conversation.”

Ianto reached out; grasped Jack’s hand as he was in the process of buttoning his shirt. “I’m sorry.” He took a deep breath and let it out slowly as he whispered, “I never said it before and I should have. I didn’t say thank you and I should have. You made the tough decision I should have been strong enough to make.”

Jack looked down at their clasped hands. He turned his over to gently grasp Ianto’s. “You don’t need to say sorry. And you don’t need to say thank you. Not for that. I made that choice because I’ve had to make it before. I made it so that you didn’t have to.”

“I know.” Ianto tugged his hand free and clasped Jack’s face in his hand; kissed him hard, almost desperately. Then, slowly, he pulled back. “When I thought you were dead, all I could think about was what I said to you. After Lisa. That I would stand by and…and do nothing.” His voice faltered, his gaze dropped. “That’s what I did, Jack. Stood by. Let it happen.” His voice dropped to a whisper. “When you didn’t come back…it hurt.”

“Ianto….”

“I love you.”

Those words hung between them too. They were uttered in a hoarse voice, filled with emotion, by a man who couldn’t look Jack in the eyes.

Jack sat back on the bed, his shirt unbuttoned, his pants loosened. He reached out and he grasped Ianto’s waist and he drew the other man in, between his legs. He kissed Ianto, a firm press of lips, and then bent him forward over one knee.

“Jack? What are you…?”

“I love you too.” Jack ran his hand over Ianto’s lower back. Those words had made him happy; happier than he thought had a right to feel, to be honest. But he didn’t like hearing the note of pain and guilt in Ianto’s voice. With that thought in mind, he rubbed his hand a little bit lower, over Ianto’s bare backside.

“What are you doing?” Ianto shifted position slightly, but didn’t try to get up. “We’ve already had sex.”

“This isn’t about sex or foreplay, Ianto.” Jack lifted his hand and brought it down in a firm smack. He resisted the urge to rub the slightly pink mark that had been left behind and delivered another swat, a bit harder this time.

Ianto shifted again, more in reaction to the swats than in an attempt to get away. “Then what is it about?”

“You don’t need to feel guilty.” Jack continued to steadily smack the other man’s backside. He wrapped his other arm around Ianto’s waist, drawing him tight against his stomach.

“If you’re telling me I don’t need to feel guilty, why are you punishing me?” Ianto asked.

“This isn’t a punishment.” Jack delivered the swats down to Ianto’s thighs and then paused, giving in to the temptation to gently rub the pink skin. “I don’t blame you, Ianto. Not for what you did then. And not for what you did now. If I did, do you think I would have come back to you after I did come back to life?”

Ianto’s breath hitched quietly and he said, softly, “It…it’s taken me a long time to realise. It took me too long to realise…that all you were trying to do was protect me. Protect the rest of the team. You were doing exactly the same this time and we all turned on you.”

“That wasn’t entirely true.” Jack rubbed for a bit longer before he lifted his hand. He felt Ianto tense up, but the other man didn’t struggle or otherwise resist, only letting out a quiet whimper when Jack resumed smacking, working his way over every inch of Ianto’s bottom, from the crest down to mid-thigh. “The Rift was playing with your minds. It played with all of us.”

“I let you die.” Ianto drew in a shaky breath. “I wasn’t the one who pulled the trigger, but I didn’t try to stop it.”

“You thought I’d come back. I did come back,” Jack pointed out. By this time, Ianto’s bottom was a uniform pink in colour, every inch having received attention. “You’re feeling guilty because of high emotions. You’re not going to willingly stand by and let me die again. Are you? This was an extreme situation. You wouldn’t be feeling guilty now if it was truly what you wanted.”

Ianto let out a quiet sob and reached down, closing his fingers around Jack’s ankle. “I’m sorry.” His voice caught and he began to quietly cry.

It was the last thing Jack wanted, to listen to the man he loved cry. But Ianto had to let go of this, because Jack didn’t want it between them. He didn’t want the guilt to fester between them and he wanted to make sure this was the one and only time they had to deal with it. He rubbed Ianto’s lower back for a few moments as he said, “I’m going to give you ten harder smacks. If you need to cry, then you cry. But after this, no more feeling guilty. I forgive you, Ianto. I already did. Now you need to forgive yourself.” He gently squeezed low down on Ianto’s thigh. “Do you understand?”

“Yes, sir.” Ianto sobbed quietly.

Jack paused and rubbed his hand gently over Ianto’s thigh. “I’m not your boss right now, Ianto. I’m your lover. I’m spanking you as your lover. Do you understand?”

“Yes.” Ianto’s breath hitched and he gripped Jack’s ankle tighter. “And as your lover…I’m so sorry for what I did. And for what I didn’t do.” He took a deep breath and whispered, the tears heavy in his voice, “I’m ready, Jack.”

“I love you, Ianto.” Jack took a tighter grasp on the other man’s waist and then began to deliver the further ten smacks. As he’d warned Ianto, they were hard and each one drew a cry from his lover’s lips before, with the final of the ten, Ianto’s body slumped and he sobbed without ceasing.

Jack rubbed gently over Ianto’s back and down over his bottom, letting the other man cry quietly. When the tears finally died down to quiet sniffles, he helped Ianto up and onto his lap, wrapping his arms around his lover in a tight hug.

Ianto hugged him back fiercely and pressed his face into Jack’s shoulder for a moment, then raised his head and pressed a kiss to Jack’s lips. “Thank you.”

Jack kissed him back, stroking a thumb over his cheek. “I’d tell you anytime, but I don’t want to spank you like that again. If you want to do it for sex or foreplay, though, I’d be willing then.”

“Maybe once the sting’s gone.” Ianto pressed close to Jack, murmuring softly, “You don’t have to get dressed the rest of the way.”

“Oh? Do you have another idea for what to do with the rest of our time?” Without waiting for a verbal response, Jack pulled Ianto down onto the bed with him and let the other man remove his clothes once more.

###

After the Rift had been opened and subsequently closed again, things had gone back to relative normality. Jack and Ianto were much more open with their relationship now; showing physical affection in front of the others, even though both remained clothed in all of their encounters. It wasn’t that Jack minded the idea of other people watching, but he was pretty sure that Ianto wouldn’t like that.

Everything was more or less normal…except for Owen. Jack had forgiven him; had hugged him and not treated him any differently. But the man had been avoiding him since that day, becoming even more reticent than normal.

Jack had had enough. After Owen had stood and left the room so as to avoid talking to him yet another time, leaving the rest of the team with confused, questioning looks on their faces, Jack looked at Tosh, Gwen and Ianto and said, “There’s been a spike of unusual activity at these coordinates. I’d like you to check it out.” He passed Ianto the tablet.

“You trying to get rid of us? Sir,” Ianto added belatedly. He glanced pointedly in the direction Owen had gone in.

“It’s about time you and him talked,” Gwen muttered under her breath.

Tosh didn’t comment on what either of them said, instead taking the tablet from Ianto and glancing at the screen before standing. “I’ll get what you need. Meet me at the car?” She addressed the question to Gwen and Ianto, but didn’t wait for a response before she left the main area.

“Come on, Gwen. Let’s give Jack and Owen some privacy.” Ianto walked over to Jack, drawing him in for a tight hug and kiss before he left with Gwen.

Jack waited for a few minutes, long enough to be certain that the rest of his team was gone, and then headed into the other room of the hub, pausing as he saw Owen there. The other man eyed him warily before saying, “You sent the rest of the team away.”

“I did.” Jack walked over and sat down on the couch. He made eye contact with Owen and spoke in a low, serious tone. “You’ve been avoiding me since the rift opened.”

“That’s not exactly true,” Owen kept his distance as he said, “I didn’t avoid you at all when we thought you were dead.”

Jack patted the seat next to him. “Come sit down.”

Owen hesitated, but moved slowly over to the couch and sat down on the other end. “Is this the part where you tell me you forgive me? Even though you already did that.” His voice faltered as he added, “And it didn’t make a difference.”

“I know. You still feel guilty. And just telling you that it’s all right and I forgive you doesn’t do anything to help.” Jack reached out and grasped Owen’s wrist. Before the other man could react, Jack gave a firm tug and pulled Owen across his lap, securing him in place with an arm wrapped around his waist, and then lifted his hand, bringing it down in a dull thwap that echoed through the room.

Owen was frozen, apparently in shock, for the first few smacks of Jack’s hand on the seat of his pants. Then, when Jack reached his thighs and began again from the top, he began to writhe, throwing his hand back over his bottom. “What are you doing?” His voice came out in a high-pitched yell.

Jack moved Owen’s hand out of the way, holding it against the small of his back, and resumed swatting. “I’m spanking you.”

“I’m not Ianto!” Owen continued to squirm and writhe, trying to pull his hand free of Jack’s grip. “I’m not your lover!”

“No,” Jack agreed. He took a tighter hold on Owen and yanked his pants down, beginning to swat over Owen’s boxers. This time, when he focused swats to the other man’s thighs, it was to bare skin; and Owen let out tiny cries each time Jack’s hand connected. Jack continued speaking, his hand never ceasing the firm, steady smacks. “You’re not my lover, Owen. But you are my subordinate. You’ve been feeling guilty and avoiding me since everything happened. I could take a step back and let you wallow in this guilt, but I’m not going to do that.”

Owen’s struggles stilled and he asked, in a weak voice, “You’re not?”

“No.” Jack squeezed the hand he held, even as he continued to swat steadily, working over every inch of Owen’s bottom, from the crest down to mid-thigh. The skin he could see through the boxers was a deep pink, bordering on red in colour. “You don’t need to feel guilty, Owen. I told you. I already forgave you. Now you need to let go and forgive yourself.”

“I don’t know…if I can.” Owen’s voice hitched and then his body slumped over Jack’s lap. His tears were quiet, but still audible.

Jack stopped spanking and carefully pulled Owen’s pants back into place. Then, he helped the other man up, to sit next to him, and wrapped an arm around his shoulders.

It didn’t take long for Owen’s tears to calm down, but he leaned into Jack, accepting the hug as he had done the first time. Finally, he pulled back and wiped at his eyes. “That sucked,” he griped.

“I know,” Jack replied. “But I think it’s a better outcome than you avoiding me for the rest of your life.”

“Yeah, maybe.” Owen sighed and gave Jack an awkward, one-armed hug before he pulled back. “So, are we joining the others? Or waiting for them to come back?”

“Let’s go and join them. They’ll probably be relieved that we’re in the same vicinity as each other.” Jack smiled and stood up. He waited for Owen to stand as well and then headed towards the hub’s exit.

The End