Forgiveness

Summary: Elyon, as Justin, knows how to respond to the needs of those he created
Warning(s): Spanking; some references to violence; major spoilers for Red and Black from the Circle trilogy; minor spoilers for White and Green

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He couldn’t sleep.

Everyone else was breathing peacefully. The children were the better off. They knew the danger of the Horde, but they hadn’t faced it personally. Johan had been as innocent as them. Once. Before Tanis ate the fruit. Before he grew up. Before he let the disease overtake him. Before he committed an act so horrific, their very water had rebelled against it.

He’d struck the killing blow to Elyon.

That was why he couldn’t sleep. The disease had overtaken his mind as surely as it had encompassed his body, but it had still been his hand. Never mind that Justin had known what would happen. Known he would die. Known….

Johan squeezed his eyes shut, but it didn’t stop the tears trickling out of his eyes and down his cheeks. When he’d been Martyn, he wouldn’t have cried like this. He would have kept it inside, knowing he couldn’t show any sign of weakness. To any of them, but especially not to their leader.

He didn’t need to hold back anymore.

Turning his face away from the others in their small camp, Johan let himself cry fully. He closed his eyes and remembered the sword in his hand. The blade slicing the flesh of Justin. His creator. Elyon. The boy.

The tears fell silently but hot. Even if his eyes had been open, he wouldn’t be able to see. Could he have changed anything? Doubtful. He hadn’t been able to bear the screaming as the disease had spread over Justin’s body. The plan had been to defile the lake with the blood of an innocent man. But Justin hadn’t only been innocent.

His maker’s blood was on Johan’s hands.

With that thought, his tears came harder. His whole body shook and he choked on his sobs. He’d been forgiven. But he didn’t deserve it. He couldn’t forgive himself. Better that he’d fallen on his own sword than raised it to Elyon. Better that he’d die than betray his creator.

There was movement in the camp and Johan hurriedly wiped at his eyes, breathing deep to try and halt his sobs. The attempt failed when he felt warm arms wrap around him. He was drawn back against someone’s chest, but it wasn’t in him to fight. He remembered being a boy. He remembered before everything had gone so terribly wrong, when he’d felt secure in his life. In being loved and loving in return. He’d had to grow up, but as he sobbed and was held so close and tight, he felt like the boy again.

“I’m here, Johan,” a voice whispered in his ear. “I won’t leave you.”

Justin! Johan’s eyes flew open and he twisted round, half-expecting to see nothing. A mirage. Water to a dying man in the desert.

Justin’s face was close to Johan’s own. There was strength in the arms he had wrapped around him. Strength and gentleness. The lion and the lamb. Johan sniffed and cuddled close, wishing he could wrestle with Justin the way he had with the boy as a child. Playing.

It seemed so long ago now.

Gradually, Johan’s storm of weeping abated, though the guilt still sat like a heavy weight in his chest. Justin’s arms didn’t imprison him, but he didn’t deserve it. Love. Forgiveness. He didn’t deserve anything. “You should have killed me.”

“Johan…how could I kill my love?” Justin whispered tenderly back.

“I killed you.”

Justin pressed a kiss to the side of his head. “It was meant. Teeleh stole you from me. This was the only way I could bring you back.”

“I was meant to stab you?” Johan couldn’t hide his confusion.

“Don’t pull away from me.”

He hesitated. “I’m not.”

Justin touched Johan’s chest, over his heart. “I love you. I forgive you,” he said plainly. “But your guilt is a barrier between us. It will fester and it will cause you to turn away from the circle if left unchecked. Like a wound left untreated.”

Johan shook at Justin’s quiet words of understanding. He swallowed and shook, pressing closer to the man who loved him. Who’d made him. Who’d died for him. “Help me,” he whispered.

Justin lifted his hand and kissed it. “I love you, Johan. You are mine,” he whispered. “Even before you followed me out of the Horde, my love never wavered. It will never waver.”

Johan swallowed and looked into Justin’s emerald eyes. But he could only meet the gaze for a moment; the love and tenderness overwhelmed him and he had to look down, too overcome to speak. His eyes filled again.

“I love you, Johan.” 

Johan tried to find the words to respond, but it didn’t seem to be enough. A quiet, choked-off sob escaped him when Justin’s strong arms moved him, turning him face-down across his lap. His strength…. How could Johan have seen him as anything other than Elyon?

“I’m not punishing you.” The quiet voice sounded above Johan as he lay across Justin’s lap, holding his breath. “I’ve forgiven you for your actions. For raising your hand to me. Just like I’ve forgiven each one of you who followed me.”

Swallowing, Johan forced himself to breathe and listen to Justin’s quiet voice. There was no fight in him as his leggings were lowered. He felt vulnerable, but that wasn’t because of the position he was currently in. He was humbled and weakened by the love in Justin’s words and actions. Somehow, it felt right to be this vulnerable. This exposed to his maker.

When the first smack landed, just this side of stinging, Johan’s eyes filled with tears again. He closed his eyes as more were delivered. They stung, but the pain wasn’t unbearable. They certainly didn’t hurt as much as the image of Justin’s beaten and broken body hanging over the lake. The image of his own blade stabbing into his maker. His creator. He owed Elyon everything, but all he’d given in return for love was scorn and hate. How was he any better than the rest of the Horde?

“You answered my call.” Justin responded to the unvoiced question. “I told you to remember me and you did.”

Johan fought the tears that streamed down his cheeks. “I should have remembered before,” he whispered to the ground.

“No. You remembered at exactly the right time. When you were meant to. I know the guilt is crushing you, Johan. But you don’t need to suffer it. I forgave you even before you made the choice. My forgiveness, my love, has been waiting for you to acknowledge and accept it.”

Justin could probably have been smacking him harder. The swats stung; moreso when a new round began. Johan lay limp across Justin’s knees, accepting each smack. Against his will, each time Justin’s hand landed, it made the images less clear. He forgot the details. How could he forget the sight of his maker’s broken body? How could he let go of his guilt, when his crime had been so much worse?

A few smacks to his thighs made Johan whimper. He was teetering on the edge and knew he would fall. Give in. And he didn’t deserve it. Didn’t deserve to be loved and forgiven. Didn’t deserve his maker seeing to him personally. Treating him like he was something to be cherished, rather than cast away like he deserved.

“I love you.”

Johan blinked, swallowed and felt his breath hitch.

“I forgive you.”

Johan closed his eyes as other memories began to overlay those of Justin’s broken body. The boy. His world split in half just because his maker wanted to play with them and show them his creation. Secure in Elyon’s love. The lake. Swimming. Laughing. Singing. “I love you!” His voice cracked, but the words still rang true. He began to sob harder. “I wish I…could go back.”

“I know,” Justin whispered. “But this is still not the end. No matter how difficult it is, as long as you stay true, everything will be worth it.”

“Please don’t leave me,” Johan whispered helplessly. “Never again. Please.”

The spanking stopped. Justin’s hand tugged his leggings back into place; turned him over in his arms; hugged him tight. “Even when you can’t see me, I won’t ever leave you,” he whispered.

Johan clung tightly, gripping Justin’s shirt in both hands. “I love you.” Calming enough not to cling so desperately, he let go with one hand and took Justin’s hand, kissing it. “I love you. And you love me.” His voice was quiet and filled with so much childlike wonder, he almost couldn’t believe it belonged to him.

Justin kissed his cheek. His forehead. “You are mine, Johan. Never lose sight of it.” He wiped the tears staining Johan’s cheeks with his thumbs. “You must sleep, dear one. You will make yourself sick otherwise.”

“You’ll be gone when I wake up,” Johan said with calm certainty.

“Just because you won’t be able to see me it doesn’t mean I won’t be here.” Justin pulled back the thin blanket and helped Johan to settle down, stroking his hair. “I love you.”

Johan reached out and closed his hand around Justin’s other. “I won’t ever leave you,” he promised, his voice a whisper as he closed his eyes.

The last thing he felt before sleep took him was Justin kissing his forehead. The last thing he heard was his maker’s whispered, “I love you.”

###

Thomas wasn’t sure when he’d woken exactly. He’d heard Johan’s tears and had intended to get up and walk over to him; to see if there was anything he could do or say that would make Johan feel any better. But then he’d realised someone else had got there first.

Justin would have known Thomas was awake. He was certain of that. But Justin had kept his full attention on Johan, right up until the man had allowed himself to be tucked into his sleeping roll, as if he were still a child, and his breathing had evened and deepened into true sleep.

Then, finally, Justin moved. Leaning over to place a kiss on Johan’s brow, just as if he were a father sending his son off to sleep. He then straightened and walked soundlessly towards Thomas’ own sleeping roll.

Swallowing, Thomas tried to meet the emerald eyes. Tried and failed. He wasn’t worthy to look on Elyon. Justin. The two were interchangeable, of course. How hadn’t he seen it before?

Justin knelt next to Thomas’ sleeping roll and smiled at him. The smile was brilliant, kind and warm. “Thank you, Thomas.” Reaching for his hand, he kissed it.

Thomas swallowed and resisted the urge to burrow into Justin’s warmth the way he’d once wholeheartedly thrown himself into Elyon’s lake. “I don’t understand why you’re thanking me,” he whispered. “For betraying you? For my hand in your…death?” He swallowed hard and looked away. “I should be the one thanking you.”

“You followed me, Thomas. You had faith in me. You dove into the lake because you trusted in me. There was nothing more I could ask for you than your faith, love and trust.”

Justin’s arms wrapped around him and Thomas leaned. He closed his eyes and tried not to hate himself for doubting so much. “I love you.” Saying the words to Elyon should have filled him with joy. His creator was holding him. Justin lived. He was forgiven. And yet….

“And yet you suffer because of the guilt,” Justin whispered in his ear.

Thomas closed his eyes. “Are you going to treat me the same way you did Johan?”

“I love you, Thomas,” Justin whispered back. “I’m not going to hurt you, but just as a healer might have to cause pain to help their patient to heal….”

“I know.” Thomas opened his eyes and took a deep breath; reached for Justin’s hand. Held it. “I’m sorry. I could say it a thousand times and it would never be enough.”

“And I would reassure you of my forgiveness a thousand and one times and never grow tired of it.” Justin’s fingers curled round Thomas’ hand. “I love you,” he said again. “I won’t leave you alone for this guilt to hurt you,” he whispered.

Thomas didn’t know if he could let go to the level he’d heard Johan give in. He felt Justin grasp his shoulders and he was drawn firmly forward over Elyon’s knees, his stomach dropping as he was positioned.

“I love you, Thomas.”

As the sincere words rang out above him, Thomas squeezed his eyes tightly shut as his leggings were lowered, leaving him exposed. Vulnerable. Entirely in Justin’s hands. His maker’s hands.

When the first hard swat fell, it made Thomas jump. Not because it was especially hard or painful, but because of how it left him feeling. When they’d first met, Justin had placed himself under Thomas’ command. In reality, it should have been the other way round.

The swats were methodical, stinging Thomas’ backside. He closed his eyes and made himself breathe but his throat felt raw. His eyes gritty. Tears weren’t far off.

“I know how much this is tearing you up inside, but you will become hard and bitter and cold if you will not let go of your pain and guilt,” Justin said seriously, his hand serving as an emphasis to what he was saying.

The spanking wasn’t anything like the worst pain Thomas had experienced. His bottom and thighs were warming and stinging under the rhythmic smacks, but Justin wasn’t hurting him.

Not like Thomas knew he deserved. Not like Elyon had hurt.

“I would never hurt you, Thomas.”

Thomas swallowed and forced himself to ask, “Not even when I went against my better judgement and fought you?” He stared at the grass with eyes that blurred with tears. “You told me once I should see you fight.”

“It wasn’t the right time for you to know,” Justin replied. “You weren’t supposed to recognise me.”

“Didn’t it…hurt?” Thomas whispered. He remembered the cries in the lake. Elyon screaming and the cells of his own body screaming along with their maker. “We owe you everything and none of us gave you what you deserved.”

Justin didn’t respond. Not with words. His other hand rested on Thomas’ lower back, rubbing and stroking while his other hand kept up the methodical swatting.

It should have been disconcerting. The silence. All it did was make Thomas very aware of the position he was in. Over Justin’s knees, his bottom being spanked. While not unbearable, the heat was growing to be uncomfortable and he was beginning to shift as the slow smacks continued. “I’m sorry,” he blurted, tears streaming down his cheeks. “I’m sorry. I would do anything…anything to take it all back.”

“You don’t need to take it back,” Justin whispered. “Only never stray from me. Always love me. And nothing will ever come between us.”

“I don’t want you to leave,” Thomas confessed.

“Never. I won’t ever leave you,” Justin promised. “You don’t need to see me to know I’m there.”

Thomas closed his eyes and slumped in relief. He knew he wasn’t being punished. The spanking was painful, but it was allowing him to forgive himself. What had happened to Justin…to Elyon...was terrible and awful. But his maker was here. Forgiving him. Loving him.

The spanking stopped. Justin’s hand stilled and the next moment, he had Thomas in his arms, kissing his head. “I love you, Thomas.”

Thomas wrapped his arms around Justin, his head gently dropping to his shoulder. “I love you,” he whispered in return. “I won’t ever betray you again. I promise. I would rather die than ever forsake you again.”

“That is not my plan for you.” Justin stroked his hair and then gently pulled the blanket back and settled Thomas in, like he was a child. “Sleep now, my love.”

Thomas took a deep breath, looking at Justin’s emerald eyes. He reached out, took Justin’s hand, kissed it. “Thank you,” he whispered.

Justin’s hand stroked his cheek and the soothing motion sent Thomas into the first true, untroubled sleep he could remember having in fifteen years.

The End