Dealing With The Past

Summary: David needs to rescue Nelson from himself. Nelson wants to be rescued.
Warning(s): Spanking for catharsis and discipline. Potential spoilers for Flatliners. References to violence. AU

###

Nelson had felt a bit out of sorts, off-kilter, under-the-weather, for a few days after his death experience nearly became permanent. He hadn't told the others, of course; there were bound to be complications when you risked your life like they all had, and he didn't want them to worry. Or, worse, tell any of the deans of the medical school. He didn't want to be suspended or expelled. Still... he'd felt bad enough that he'd avoided the others. Until now. He stared at David as the other man entered his apartment and stood in the middle of his living room. "Uh... come in, I guess?"

Making sure the door was firmly closed behind him, David looked Nelson over. "You look like you haven't slept at all," he said bluntly. "We're all worried about you." David had appointed himself as the spokesperson of the group, since he figured Nelson would be more likely to respond favorably to just one person. Whether he would listen to David, of course, was a different matter entirely.

"I'm sleeping..." Nelson shrugged off the worry his friend admitted to, not bothering to add on the 'just not very well' that was obvious just by looking at him.

"And how many hours of sleep did you get last night?" David asked. "One or two? Have you even been eating?"

"I've been eating. And I slept my normal six hours. You know with our schedules, more than that is impossible!" He didn't admit that he woke up at least four times each hour and tossed and turned the rest of the time.

David raised his eyebrows. "I don't believe for one moment you've been sleeping a full six hours. Not with the way you're looking right now. When was the last time you ate?"

"A couple of hours ago?" Nelson frowned as he realized he didn't remember when... or what... he ate last.

"Are you asking me or are you telling me?" David looked Nelson over and shook his head. "I'm going to make up a plate of food for you. And then you're going to take a nap."

"I don't have time for a nap..." Nelson sighed, though he didn't argue further and made to follow David.

"You need to make time to take care of yourself." David moved into the kitchen area and began checking what was there...and there wasn't much. He shook his head and sighed. "I think you should come to my apartment. I have food there, proper food. And maybe a change of scenery would be good for you."

"What? I have proper food!" Nelson said, in an offended tone. "I just went shopping the other day!" He peered into his fridge and blinked. "...Uh... what day is it?" His tone took on a sheepish note.

"Saturday," David replied. He shook his head, eyes narrowing in worry. "I guessed you were struggling. Didn't realize it was quite this much." He squeezed Nelson's shoulder lightly. "Pack up a bag with anything you need."

"Yeah... okay..." Nelson said faintly, as he realized he'd lost nearly five days and hadn't noticed. And that was assuming it was still the same week he thought it was. He went into his bedroom and began to pack. It didn't take long. A few days of clothes, toiletries, and anything he couldn't live without or might need for classes and he was soon joining David in the living room again.

"Let's go." David headed out of the apartment and towards his own, keeping his steps slow and unhurried, watching Nelson carefully to make sure the other man wasn't in danger of falling asleep on his feet before they reached David's place.

Nelson exited his apartment and locked the door, turning to follow David quietly. He wasn't falling over, but he was clearly having difficulty focusing.

Noticing Nelson's reactions, David reached out to grasp his arm to steady him. He quickly hailed a cab.

Nelson gave in and let David lead him. He was aware enough to know he was a potential menace to himself or others.

David got into the back of the cab with Nelson and told the driver where to go. He didn't say anything during the short ride, or when he got out and paid the driver, before moving to help Nelson out of the cab.

Nelson followed almost meekly; another sign he was past exhaustion. Normally, he would have at least argued about paying for his own portion of cab fare.

Keeping in contact with Nelson, David guided the other man into his own apartment. "I think a nap before food would be better," he said.

"Yeah. Sounds.... yeah..." Nelson mumbled and didn't bother fighting the yawn that broke free.

David guided Nelson through to his bedroom. "Do you need any help getting undressed?"

Nelson didn't answer; he couldn't. He'd already fallen face first onto the bed and fallen asleep.

David moved over to the bed and removed Nelson's shoes. He retrieved the other man's bag and began to carefully change Nelson into his pajamas.

Nelson barely stirred, sound asleep. David's presence was calming him, enabling him to not immediately be woken by the nightmares that had been plaguing him.

David didn't leave once he'd changed Nelson into the pajamas. Instead, he brought his paperwork through he needed to do and sat next to the bed to fill it out.

Even with David's presence, Nelson was only able to get two hours of sleep before nightmares assailed him. He began to toss and turn, whimpering low in his throat.

David immediately put the paperwork to one side and leaned over to place a hand on Nelson's shoulder, gripping gently.

Nelson let out one last tiny sob before he sat up with a gasp, eyes wide and frantic. Breathing raggedly, he slowly looked at David, almost frightened. He only began to calm once he recognized who was beside him.

"It's all right, Nelson. You're safe. It's over." David kept his voice gentle, still lightly squeezing Nelson's shoulder.

"It will never leave me... I tell myself it was just my unresolved guilt... not real ghosts... but... " Nelson shivered.

"We were experimenting with life and death," David said. "Our guilt, the sins of our past, took on forms that were very real. And those were real enough to hurt, whether physically or emotionally."

"Yeah..." Nelson didn't disagree. "It feels so real...."

"You couldn't make peace with your past?" David asked softly.

Nelson sighed. "I did. Now it's just a nightmare of a very bad event that I regret. Still a nightmare, though."

"Is that what's affecting your sleep and appetite?" David asked.

Nelson reluctantly nodded. "Yeah. Can't sleep right for the nightmares. Exhaustion made me lose my appetite."

"There's not a lot to do for nightmares, apart from to tire you out to the point that you're too exhausted to dream," David said.

"Yeah. I was trying to do that..." Nelson said ruefully.

"You won't have tried my idea," David said. "Let's go and eat. Then we can talk about my idea."

"Yeah. Ok..." Nelson agreed. He'd got a couple hours of sleep and didn't expect to sleep again soon, so might as well eat.

David squeezed his shoulder a bit more firmly and then stood up to lead the way to the kitchen area.

Nelson got up and followed. He was already halfway there before he realized, "I'm in pajamas!"

"Yeah," David replied. "I figured you'd be more comfortable that way."

"You changed me, and it didn't wake me up!" Nelson said in surprise.

"Further proof of just how exhausted you've been." David gestured for Nelson to sit at the table and began to prepare food. "We all went through similar things, but you were the only one who had to deal with the guilt of responsibility for someone else's death. I'm not so sure you have dealt with it. At least, it seems you haven't been able to release any of those emotions. My idea is to help you do that. To let go of those negative emotions poisoning you."

"How?" Nelson asked quietly. Curiously.

"By tanning your ass." David plated up the food and sat down with Nelson.

Nelson blinked. "How do you know that'll work? How will you know when I've had enough?" he finally asked, unable to think of a protest. He needed to sleep. If David thought tanning him would work, he'd submit.

"It's a good way to encourage you to cry. To release emotions. You're still feeling guilt. What happened still bothers you. If it didn't, you wouldn't be having nightmares." David nodded to the plate of food. "I'll know when you've reached the point you need to. All you need to worry about is letting me take control."

Nelson nodded slowly. "Okay." He sighed softly, then began to eat.

David ate too, but made sure to keep an eye on Nelson, making sure the other man did continue eating.

Nelson ate slowly, but he ate everything David had given to him. "Are you going to tan me right away? Or give the food time to settle?" he asked, as he pushed the plate away, finally finished.

"I'll give the food time to settle first." David stood up to clear the plates. "We can head back into the bedroom. Watch something nice and easy for a bit. And then I'll tan you." He finished clearing up and moved over to Nelson, placing a hand on the other man's shoulder to guide him back through to the bedroom.

Nelson let himself be led. At any other time, he might have argued what David had in mind, but he was desperate to stop the nightmares. He was willing to try anything at this point.

Inside the bedroom, David settled on the bed next to Nelson and turned the television on. Gently rubbing a hand down Nelson's arm, he moved the other man into position over his lap. While he didn't intend to start spanking immediately, he thought it might help if he took that control immediately.

Nelson swallowed, allowing himself to relax in the position David placed him. He wasn't draped so much as lying over, the bed supporting him fully. He was grateful for that. He didn't think his food would stay down if he were draped.

David made sure that Nelson's body was fully supported, resting one hand on the other man's back, pushing up under the pajama shirt to rub in slow, gentle circles over Nelson's bare skin.

Nelson relaxed further. Somehow, being with David and being touched was grounding... was comforting... even if he wouldn't admit it.

David continued to rub gently over Nelson's bare skin, adjusting the pajamas to make it easier to rub and stroke bare skin. He would have removed the pajamas completely but didn't want to cause Nelson any unnecessary embarrassment.

"Thank you... after what I put you through... it means a lot that you would stick by me... help me..." Nelson said quietly.

"I would do all I could," David said quietly. "I wouldn't ever give up on you. Not after fighting so hard to bring you back." He gently squeezed each of Nelson's shoulders; tugged the pajama pants down enough to expose the other man's backside and thighs, though he didn't immediately start swatting. Instead, he let his hand rest on Nelson's backside, rubbing gently. "I understand that you feel guilty, and I understand why you feel guilty. But you can't let that guilt control and torment you. You need a catalyst to let go, and I'll give that to you."

Nelson shifted slightly. "I trust you. If you think this will help...."

"I think it looks like nothing else is helping you." Still rubbing Nelson's back with one hand, David lifted his other and brought it down firmly at the crest of Nelson's backside, then repeated the smack in the same spot on the opposite cheek.

Nelson's quick intake of breath let David know the swats were felt. Nelson whimpered softly as he could tell David wasn't just giving him a token spanking. He was getting a tanning.

David rubbed Nelson's back with his other hand, even as he continued to swat firmly, down to Nelson's thighs, before starting over from the top.

Nelson couldn't keep from squirming, the sting rapidly building. His clothing rode up and slid down, baring him further. He didn't care; his friend was smacking his bare butt. It was pointless to be embarrassed at his lack of clothing.

David paused in the spanking, only to remove Nelson's pajamas before he resumed swatting. The smacks were firm and steady, coloring Nelson's bottom a warm pink under his palm.

Nelson whined as David took further control and removed his pajamas. But he didn't protest. He wriggled more as the sting built.

Pulling Nelson tighter against his stomach, David began to swat a fraction harder and faster. "You don't have to deal with this alone, Nelson. You don't have to be alone to handle this guilt by yourself."

"I... I didn't want to make my problems yours..." Nelson whimpered, tears sliding out of his eyes.

"You're my friend, Nelson. You don't hide these kinds of things." David moved his hand a little lower, raising his knee so that he could include Nelson's sit spots in the smacks.

"What do I do, then?" Nelson choked out.

"You let me in. You tell me when you're hurting. When you feel guilty. When you're not eating or sleeping." With every word, David directed firm smacks to Nelson's sit spots and then began to aim smacks at his thighs.

"No saying I'm okay if I'm having trouble?" Nelson knew the answer, but having David spell out expectations was as comforting as having him there.

"Exactly," David replied. "Anything like that will earn you a reminder, at least. Another full trip over my knee if necessary." He delivered a full circuit of smacks, making sure that expectation would stick.

"Y... yessir..." Nelson's voice was shaky; he was very close to breaking. Normally, he wouldn't be so deferential, but his current position and his need of David's help had him submitting to his friend's decision.

"Good." David continued to swat firmly, his other hand rubbing and stroking down Nelson's back. His friend's bottom was a dark pink now, shading to red in parts. He could feel the heat every time he delivered a firm smack.

Nelson's bottom ached... burned... by this point. He couldn't help it when the first sob escaped. After that, it was as if the gates broke. His sobs continued increasing in frequency and strength.

David stopped spanking when Nelson began sobbing. As he had done before starting the spanking, he began to gently rub his friend's backside, continuing to stroke Nelson's shoulders and back.

Nelson just continued to sob, but it was less about the pain than everything he'd experienced and felt coming to the surface and bubbling over. He couldn't stop crying now that he'd started.

David moved Nelson, settling his friend on his lap instead of over it, and continued to rub and squeeze over Nelson's back, letting the other man cry and release his emotions as he needed to.

By the time Nelson calmed, he was drained. His eyes and throat hurt. He was warm and breathing through his mouth; face red, blotchy... snotty. All he could do was cling weakly to David, grateful his friend accepted him at his worst.

David held Nelson close and tight, stroking his hair and down his back. "Before you try to sleep again, I'll get you some water and you can wash your face."

Nelson shivered and took a hitched breath. "Okay," he whispered.

"Let me know when you're ready," David said, perfectly content to hold onto Nelson for as long as his friend needed.

Nelson nodded. It took longer than he would have liked for the nervous neediness to let him go... and it didn't fully retreat. About fifteen minutes passed before he was able to pull back and say, in a tear-roughed voice, "I'm ready...."

David nodded. He loosened his hold on Nelson enough to reach to his minifridge, taking out a bottle of water. Uncapping it, he handed it to Nelson and then retrieved a damp cloth so that his friend could wipe his face.

Nelson slowly drank the water, then took the cloth and washed his face. When he was done, his face was red and he'd obviously been crying, but it was clean, and he felt more comfortable. "Thank you," he whispered.

"You're welcome." David squeezed his arm gently. "You ready to try sleeping again?"

"A... are you staying with me?" Nelson asked quietly.

"I was planning to," David answered.

Nelson nodded again, moving closer to David so he could sleep. He hadn't bothered putting the pajamas back on. It seemed a bit pointless after having been handled so completely by David.

David didn't bother putting the pajamas on Nelson either. Instead, he wrapped his arms around the other man and settled so that they were both comfortable, hugging his friend close.

Nelson shifted until his head was on David's chest. He very quickly fell asleep, feeling safe.

David wrapped his arms tight around Nelson, stroking his friend's hair and down his back. It wasn't long before he followed Nelson into sleep.

****

Nelson had slept straight through till morning without waking, with David there. He had stayed in his friend’s apartment for a few more nights before going back to his own place. Between finally having let go of the negative emotions and knowing his friend was there for him, Nelson was in a much better place emotionally and physically.

It was now several weeks later, and he'd come up with another hypothesis to explore. It wasn't as dangerous as 'killing' himself to see what was on the 'other side', but it was still very dangerous. It was why he didn't go into detail when David asked about his activities. He could tell the truth when he said he was doing well; that he was feeling good and was emotionally stable. But he'd promised not to lie. And if he went into details about his newest experiments, he'd either have to lie, or quit. He knew David wouldn't approve of them.

While David hadn't been sleeping in the same place as Nelson for a few days, he still made sure to check in on his friend periodically and make sure Nelson was eating and sleeping well. Today, he'd swung by a deli and picked up food for both of them. Now, he stood outside Nelson's apartment and knocked.

Nelson had lost track of time in this newest phase of his experiment, or he would have been prepared. As it was, he didn't hear the door.

Frowning as there was no answer, David tried the door...in case Nelson had forgotten to lock it.

Nelson had forgotten to lock it.

David opened the door and stepped into the apartment, closing the door behind him, and heading to find his friend.

Nelson's apartment wasn't big, so the experiment was set up in his bedroom. When David walked in, he did so at the moment Nelson was doing the most dangerous part of the proceedings.

David's eyes widened and he quickly moved over to Nelson, to see if the other man needed help, though he was careful not to startle Nelson.

Nelson finished, luckily without mishap, and wrote down the results before turning. The startled squeak he yelped out might have been amusing under other circumstances. "D... David! When did you get here?" He tried to sound innocent, though it was clear he'd been caught red-handed.

"I walked in as you were doing the most dangerous part of that experiment," David said. "How is this taking it easy and being safe?"

"Uh... I felt less anxious having an experiment to work on..." Nelson said, ignoring the comment about being safe.

"So, you decided to do a dangerous experiment?" David grasped Nelson's arm. "What happened to sticking to safe experiments? We talked about this."

"I was being careful!" Nelson protested.

"You know I expected you to take it easy and not do dangerous experiments," David said. "Considering the last experiment nearly cost you your life. You shouldn't have lied to me."

“I didn't lie to you! I just didn't tell you!" Nelson protested, in a worried and upset voice. His eyes were wide and looked guilty, David's words already affecting him.

"You weren't honest with me," David replied. "Maybe you didn't outright lie, but you knew what you were doing when you didn't tell me what you were really doing."

"I... " Nelson swallowed, unable to come up with a defense. David was right. "I hid it from you because I knew you'd object. I didn't mean to lie, though. Didn't think of it as lying when I decided to do it...."

"I'm not going to stand by and do nothing when you're doing more dangerous stuff again, Nelson. I care about you too much to let you self-destruct." David used his grip on Nelson's arm to lead the other man over to the bed.

"I'm sorry, David... I'm not trying to self-destruct. I was being careful!" Nelson said, in a quivering voice. He followed David without fight... willingly.

"The way you've been acting is self-destructive," David said. "And it's not the first time either. But from now on, I will step in every time it's necessary. Every time you do something dangerous." He sat down on the bed and pulled Nelson across his lap, quickly divesting the other man of his clothes.

Nelson groaned at finding himself being undressed but didn't fight that either. It wasn't like David hadn't seen him naked before and given he was about to have his bare butt smacked, he figured there were more important concerns than unnecessary modesty.

David wrapped his arm around Nelson's waist, pulling the other man against his stomach, and delivered the first firm smack before he repeated it. He continued in that vein down to Nelson's thighs, before starting over from the top.

Nelson was shifting before the first circuit was even completed. When David started over from the top, a tiny, whining whimper escaped, to Nelson's embarrassment.

Partway through the second circuit, David began speaking. "If you were so hell-bent on doing this experiment, you should have told me, and we could have figured out a way that would have been safer. I came so close to losing you, Nelson. I won't let that happen again."

"I thought you'd tell me no..." Nelson admitted, ashamed now that he thought about his actions.

"If I say no to something, it's for a good reason." David began a third circuit of smacks, going a fraction harder and faster. He let his other hand rub gently over Nelson's back as he continued to smack. "But for something that's truly important, I'd find a way."

"I'm sorry. Shoulda trusted you. Shouldn't have... have hid things. Shouldn't have lied. So... sorry!" Nelson choked out, before slumping. Accepting the punishment.

David delivered a final few smacks to Nelson's sit spots and thighs, then moved his friend into his arms on his lap, cuddling tight.

"I didn't mean to lie..." Nelson repeated, in a soft, sad voice, still crying steadily even though he wasn't sobbing.

"I know." David hugged him a bit tighter. "I forgive you. I just don't want to lose you, Nelson. You don't know how scary it was when I thought we couldn't bring you back."

"I didn't think I mattered," Nelson admitted. "Thought I deserved to die."

"You do matter, Nelson," David said seriously. "You matter to me. And I'll make sure you stay alive and well."

"I know... you matter to me too. Gotta act like I know." Nelson sighed and cuddled close.

"Maybe it's worth looking at moving in together," David suggested. "If I'm with you, I can remind you that you're important and that you matter. I can make sure you're taken care of too."

"Can keep me honest..." Nelson sighed.

"That too," David said. "But taking care of you is the most important thing."

"Do you really want to?" Nelson asked hesitantly. Maybe David was just thinking out loud.

"I really want to," David replied. "Do you think I'd be doing all this if I didn't?"

"When?" Nelson bit his lip.

"My lease is up for renewal in a week," David answered. "I can move in here fast."

"I can give you the bedroom..." Nelson agreed to the speed. "I'll sleep in the living room."

"There's nothing wrong with sharing the bedroom," David commented. "We did for those few nights before."

"If you don't mind... don't think it will be crowded." Nelson snuggled more.

"I don't mind." David stroked his fingers through Nelson's hair. "It'll help me take care of you better anyway."

"If you're sure..." Nelson whispered. His body relaxed further, sinking against his friend as he began to get sleepy.

"Of course, I'm sure." David continued stroking Nelson's hair and down over his back. "If you need to sleep, sleep. We can eat later."

"Okay... I can tell you what I was attempting later too. Maybe you'll have ideas for less dangerous ways to accomplish it..." Nelson gave David a bleary smile.

"Yeah, we'll discuss it later and see what we can do," David promised. "For now, sleep. I've got you."

Smiling again, Nelson snuggled against David, putting his head on his shoulder. He slept.

The End