Catharsis

Summary: Follows The Aftermath. Arisu is having nightmares after his time in the Borderland. Chishiya decides to help him
Warning(s): Spanking; spoilers for the first two seasons of Alice in Borderland; references to canonical violence and character death; AU; references to suicidal behaviour

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Arisu was in his room again.

Sighing quietly, Chishiya leaned back against the bed as his eyes adjusted to the darkness in the room. He could easily turn the light on, he supposed, but after so long living without electricity, it was no longer automatic to reach for the light switch. Or the lamp.

“Are you awake?” Arisu whispered.

“Of course I am.” Chishiya pulled his gaze away from the other man and looked up at the ceiling. Even after getting out of the hospital and returning to his own apartment, there were times this world and the once familiar surroundings felt alien to him. “This isn’t why I gave you a key,” he added.

“I know.” Arisu walked slowly over to the bed and sat down on the edge of it. He wasn’t looking at Chishiya, instead seeming to focus on his hands, clasped in his lap. “But there’s no one else I can talk to about the nightmares.” He looked towards Chishiya, his eyes glinting in the moonlight that came through the window. “Why did you make me remember?” His voice was haunted. He shifted and the moon’s light showed the hint of tear tracks on his face.

Chishiya looked away. A faint tinge of guilt went through him. He wasn’t used to emotions like that; wasn’t really used to caring about what anyone thought of him. That guilty, uncertain feeling was what caused him to say his next words; to be honest, rather than lie. “No one else ever cared before.”

The words hung in the air between them. Arisu was silent and Chishiya shifted slightly, wondering if he shouldn’t have been honest at all. Wondering if he should have lied, or just not answered the question at all.

After a few more moments, Arisu stood and walked over to turn the light on. As it flooded the room, Chishiya blinked in the sudden brightness. “I won’t get used to artificial light for a while,” he muttered.

“What about Kuina?”

Surprised, Chishiya looked up at Arisu. He took a few moments to respond, getting his thoughts in order and deciding how much he was going to tell the other man. He took a few moments to respond, getting his thoughts in order and deciding how much he was going to tell the other man. “Yes. We were friends,” he answered finally. “But she didn’t care in the way needed to make me answer for my actions. To be one of the reasons I changed.” He took a deep breath and made eye contact with Arisu. “I didn’t want to lose the only person who cared about me in that way.”

Arisu stared at Chishiya, who wondered what he was thinking. Was he remembering the way Chishiya had manipulated him? Or was he remembering the bullet Chishiya had taken from Usagi? Chishiya shifted slightly as he remembered how Arisu had responded to both those actions, but especially the latter. He’d assumed that Arisu would have preferred him to die over Usagi. After all, that was why he’d agreed with Niragi’s suggestion about solving the conflicts between them with guns.

“My friends died to save my life,” Arisu whispered. “I don’t know why they did that. I was just a slacker who did nothing but play video games all day. They had jobs. They had things to live for. They were the ones who deserved to live. Not me.” He shook his head and closed his eyes. “I wish you’d let me live in ignorance.”

Chishiya narrowed his eyes. A hot stab of anger went through him, an emotion that took him by surprise. “If I hadn’t made you remember, you would have lost everything you’d gained in the Borderland. And you still would have woken up to find your friends dead.”

Arisu’s eyes snapped to Chishiya’s and his mouth opened, as if he was about to speak.

Chishiya rushed on before he could say anything. “I don’t know why I remembered. But I plan to use those memories to do better. To become better. Without my time in the Borderland, I would have lost everything I’d learned and the experiences that shaped me.” He paused. “You were never a coward in the Borderland, Arisu. Don’t act like one now.”

“You have no idea what I was like before all this….”

“And do you want to go back to the person you were? To the slacker who played video games all day and wouldn’t do anything to change, let alone improve, his life?” Chishiya shook his head. He wasn’t likely to get back to sleep any time soon, even if Arisu did leave. He pushed back the blankets on his bed and moved so that he was resting against the headboard. “Come here.”

Arisu frowned. “Why?”

“You think you should have died instead of them. You feel guilty enough that it’s going to affect how you continue living.” Chishiya made eye contact with Arisu. “Maybe you wish you’d stayed ignorant now, but you shouldn’t regret the experiences that you went through that changed you and forged you into who you are now.” He paused. “I think you need some help to see things with a more clearer head. So I think you should come here.”

Arisu hesitated. He opened his mouth and then closed it again. He looked at Chishiya’s lap and then at his face. “This isn’t….”

“Isn’t what? Isn’t necessary? Isn’t deserved?” Chishiya shrugged. “You can leave if you want. We’ll see each other tomorrow and neither of us will talk about it again. But you keep coming here, to me, for a reason. And we both know you will keep on doing so, until you get what you need from me.”

Lowering his head, Arisu looked like he was wrestling with himself. He shifted from one foot to the other and fidgeted, looking almost like a child. He even took a half step backwards, as if he planned to leave…to walk away.

Chishiya didn’t speak. He didn’t try to persuade Arisu one way or another. He just waited, watching Arisu, taking in when the other man’s shoulders slumped and he wiped a hand across his face before looking up once more. “You’ll help me?” he whispered.

“I’ll help you,” Chishiya confirmed.

Nodding, Arisu took a deep breath and squared his shoulders. He walked over to the bed and stepped round so that he stood next to Chishiya. He pushed down his pants and then his underwear, then quickly bent forward and lay in position across Chishiya’s lap, fingers tangling in the blankets.

Despite what he’d said, Chishiya was still a little surprised that Arisu had chosen to submit to him. He’d never met the other man before their shared experiences in the Borderland and he wondered if this would have been typical behaviour for Arisu before…or if it was a result of the experiences that had changed him so drastically. After all, Chishiya would never have allowed anyone to physically punish him before Arisu had chosen to step in.

Those thoughts only took seconds to go through Chishiya’s mind. He rested one hand on Arisu’s lower back and lifted his other, letting it fall in a crisp, hard smack that he then repeated on the other side of Arisu’s bottom. He continued to deliver smacks at the same force and slow speed, covering Arisu’s entire backside from the crest to mid-thigh before he started over from the top.

Arisu had been quiet and mostly still during the first circuit of smacks, only shifting slightly when Chishiya’s hand landed against his sit spots or his thighs.

For a little while, the only sounds in the room were of Chishiya’s hand striking Arisu’s backside and the quiet, nearly soundless gasps that escaped the other man’s lips. After the third circuit of swats, he began to shift from side to side, beginning to whimper softly.

Chishiya didn’t speak as he continued to swat. He didn’t need to say anything. After all, this wasn’t about lecturing someone who’d done something wrong. Arisu believed that it was his fault his friends had died and that he should have been the one to die instead. The amount of misplaced guilt, the pain he was suffering, needed to be dealt with. Like poison being lanced from a wound.

After a few more moments, Arisu drew in his breath, the sound harsh and pained. When he let it out, it ended on a harsh sob.

Chishiya didn’t stop or even slow the swats. Instead, he begin to smack harder and faster, focusing more of the swats to Arisu’s sit spots and thighs. And it was then that he began to speak. “Yes, your friends died to save you. That doesn’t mean they died because of you. It means they decided you were worth saving. And you proved them right. Do you think any of us would have escaped the Borderland if it wasn’t for you? You did everything possible to save as many people as you could.”

“I’m not a hero.” Arisu’s voice broke.

Chishiya paused, hand resting on Arisu’s back. He could see the deep, dark pink that coloured Arisu’s backside; feel the heat radiating from the punished skin. “I don’t think any of us are heroes,” he said finally. “We’re survivors. Damaged and wounded, but we’re still alive. And because we’re alive, we have the chance to do better. For them. The people who were sacrificed to give us this chance to live.”

Arisu sniffled softly. “Do you really believe that?”

“I truly do.”

“Thank you,” Arisu whispered.

There wasn’t any need for Chishiya to verbally respond. He pulled Arisu’s underwear and pants back into place and then carefully helped the other man to stand.

Blinking away tears and rubbing at the stains on his cheeks, Arisu moved forward and wrapped his arms around Chishiya, hugging him tightly. “Thank you…my brother,” he whispered, before looking up at Chishiya with an almost uncertain expression.

Chishiya breathed in deeply and wrapped his own arms around Arisu. He still wasn’t entirely used to giving or receiving comfort, but it was beginning to feel more natural to him now. “I’m here for you, brother.”

He hoped it was enough.

The End