Asking

Summary: Takami reaches out to his little brother for forgiveness
Notes & Warnings: AU, mentions of potential triggering material
Spoiler up to: The end of the Broken Sky book series

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Ryushi

I really don’t know how to begin this letter. You never liked me calling you little brother, even though that’s what you are. Or were. I can’t blame you if you never want to admit to our familial relationship. It was enough that you chose not to let me take my own life. At the time, I couldn’t see any other path for me to take. It felt like the only way to regain any semblance of my honour, but I’ve come to realise taking that path would be the easy way out. I can’t ask Father for his forgiveness. I can’t ask for forgiveness from any of those who are dead because of me. And I didn’t dare ask for yours in person, before I left.

You had to grow up too fast. You and Kia both. I know Father would have kept you both protected for as long as he could. I realise now how wrong I was to betray him and everything he stood for as I did. I realised it long before we fought against each other, but by that time, it felt too late to try to make amends. It was too late to ask for forgiveness. To believe I was deserving of mercy. While I continue to believe my destiny and all of our destines were planned, I’ve also come to understand I always had a choice. And I could have chosen a different path. When I realised what a monster Macaan was, I should have resisted. At the very least, I should have left his service. Even though you and Kia would never have trusted me again, I should have done the right thing long before.

I don’t know if this letter will reach you. I’ve sought out someone able to tell me where you are likely to be when this message reaches you. I would bring the letter myself, or speak to you in person, but I’m more of a coward than my brother and sister. If you hated me enough to turn me away, I don’t think I could face that.

But I will be travelling to the small village I know you will be visiting. I won’t enter the village. I won’t force you to see me if you don’t feel able to forgive me. But if there is a way to make amends, I will beg you to what our father did on the few occasions his ire was roused.

I let you believe you were the only one he punished in that way, but that wasn’t true. I never wanted to tell you of the time I was fifteen winters and joined the older men in their drinking. Of course, at that age, I was too young to hold the ale and I became drunk enough that I thought I would try to ride the bull wyvern. Father caught me trying to climb down into the pen. It was lucky he did, as I’m not sure we would have caught the wyvern again had I succeeded in climbing onto its back and getting out of the stables. If I have not told you before, Ryushi, I am more relieved than I could ever say you and Kia escaped our home when Macaan’s soldiers came.

After Father guided me out of the stables and to bed, I slept peacefully, though I doubt I would have done if I’d spared a thought to what was going to come in the morning. Father, of course, loved all of us deeply. I won’t ever forgive myself for what I did, but at least I knew he loved us, even if the relationship between us was rife with conflict.

When Father woke me the next morning, he had me drink a concoction that tasted terrible but helped my head to stop hurting so much. As soon as he had assured himself I was sufficiently recovered, he took me into his bedroom and had me bend over the bed. He then thrashed me with his belt. At the time, I thought it was the worst pain I had ever felt. Now, I know that the emotional pain of guilt is so much worse than any kind of physical pain could be.

I need you to forgive me, little brother. Like Father did. It isn’t fair to make you take on the role I should be taking on for you. I know that. I’m asking you to thrash me in the same way Father used to do. If you’re willing to forgive me and accept me in your life as your big brother again, I give you my word I will never do anything that will hurt you. I will always protect you. And Kia, if she allows me to. And after this one time, I will take on the role permanently I am asking you to take on this one time for me.

Please forgive me, Ryushi. Allow me to heal fully and I promise I will make sure you never regret it.

Your brother, Takami