Another Life

Summary: In the parallel world, Vampire!Xander is given his soul back, which triggers an overwhelming surge of guilt and self-loathing

Warning(s): Minor spoilers up until the end of season three of Buffy the Vampire Slayer; major spoilers for episode nine ‘The Wish’ and episode sixteen ‘Doppelgangland’; spanking; violence; AU; triggering material (suicide/self-harm); references to torture

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It hit him like a punch to the gut as he jumped off the platform, stake in hand. The pain sliced through him and he landed heavily on his hands and knees amidst the violence. Vampires and humans were dying. Screams and groans of pain filled his ears as disorientation hit him.

When it was gone, the guilt hit him just as hard. He was on his knees and the stake was still in his hand. There was the taste of blood in his mouth. His own, or the memory of others’? It didn’t matter. He was a monster. The best he could do was take away the monster.

Xander turned the stake around and drove it towards his heart.

It was knocked out of his hand and sent skittering across the floor.

Xander’s eyes followed the path of the stake and then looked up at the vampire who towered over him. “Why did you stop me?”

Angel bent and offered his hand, even while his eyes moved round the battle ranging around them. “You have your soul back.”

“That’s what this is. I don’t want it.”

“You know what you’ve become. I experienced the same thing. I wish I could tell you it gets easier.” Angel pulled him to his feet. “Stay here. Don’t do anything stupid.”

“Define ‘stupid’,” Xander muttered, watching as Angel turned back to the battle. There was a blonde with a scar on her lip. A human. She was taking out vampires…his kind…with no trouble at all. Was she the Slayer? Should he attack her? What was Angel going to do to him?

Xander’s eyes were drawn to the stake still on the floor. He started towards it, aching inside and just wanting an end to the pain and scooped it up. But then his eyes were drawn to two of the white-hats. And Willow.

“Will…!” He started towards her, only to halt when she was impaled on part of the wooden cage the humans had been kept in. “Whose stupid idea was it to put them in a wooden cage?” he muttered.

The Master approached, lip curling as he looked at Xander. “I can smell the stench of your soul. You’re useless to me now,” he growled.

The smell of blood permeated the air. Xander’s face morphed as hunger filled him and he was quick to move back, looking at the stake in his hand and then at the Master’s back. Dust covered the floor, coating bodies of humans. They were all dead…vampire and human alike. All dead because the Master rose. Willow was dead because of him. Xander was a monster.

The Master and the Slayer were advancing on each other. Xander watched him throw Angel to one side and then exchange blows with the Slayer before he finally got her in a headlock.

There was no time to think. Xander acted. He lunged forward and staked the Master, the wooden point going through his back and piercing his heart. He exploded into dust.

Xander stood back, the stake falling from his hand. As near as he could tell, he and Angel were the only two vampires standing. Everyone else was dust. And there were humans milling around, dazed and confused looks on their faces.

The Slayer moved so she could see both Xander and Angel. “There are two of you?”

“The threat of the Master is over.” Angel stepped over to Xander, moving almost protectively in front of him. “But there are other demons. Other threats. You don’t have to stay.”

“She’s not gonna kill us?” Xander muttered.

The Slayer frowned. “I don’t trust you.”

“Is she talking to me or you?” Xander asked.

“Perhaps you should let me do the talking,” Angel suggested.

“Yeah, good idea. But is she gonna stake me? I tried to do it myself but you wouldn’t let me. I figure the Slayer can get the job done. I’d ask you to take this soul back out of me, but then I’d just kill again. And that makes me sick to my stomach. Hey, can I even be sick?” Realising both Angel and the Slayer were staring at him, he shrugged. “Okay, so I babble when I’m nervous.”

“Oh, I wish I could stake you and shut you up,” the Slayer muttered.

“So why don’t you?” Xander looked at the rest of the humans over Angel’s shoulders. “I won’t survive long here.”

“He’s not a threat to you or any human,” Angel said. “Neither am I. Leave him in my hands. I’ll look after him. He won’t bother you again.”

“No. You’ll just go after some other hapless human,” the Slayer retorted. “You’re going to need to feed. Both of you.” She bent and picked up the stake. “I can’t let you walk out of here, knowing how many people might die at your hands.”

“I haven’t fed on a human in a long time,” Angel said softly.

“Hey, I’m all for you staking me and giving me a clean, quick death.” Xander remembered how he’d tortured Angel…him and Willow. He was certain the other vampire would repay him with interest, soul or no soul.

“And I’m supposed to believe that?” the Slayer retorted.

“I fought alongside you. We’re comrades,” Angel said. “Give us the chance to live and I’ll prove you’re right to put your trust in us. I promise.”

“I don’t trust people, let alone vampires.” The Slayer sighed and shook her head. “I’m going to regret this, but I’d better go tell Jeeves the Master is…you know…dust.” She turned away.

“Come on, let’s go,” Angel muttered.

“Really? Isn’t she going dust us?”

Angel didn’t answer, instead gripping Xander’s shirt and dragging him towards the exit, past all the humans who seemed to just be coming back to themselves.

###

Xander wasn’t sure who had lived in the house Angel took him to, but his fellow vampire had found an empty building for them to hide out in while it was daylight. Xander sat and watched as Angel closed the curtains and then began to change out of his clothes.

The sight of the burn scars on Angel’s chest would have made Xander throw up, if that was possible. He looked away and glanced at the covered window in the living room. “You think anyone’s gonna come after us? We’re the only vampires left here in Sunnydale….”

“It’s unlikely,” Angel replied. “There are a lot of humans dead. Rebuilding is going to be more important than coming after two vampires who are no longer a threat.”

Xander let his eyes move back to Angel, relaxing when he saw the vampire’s shirt was back on. “What are you going to do to me?”

“I know what it’s like to come back to yourself and realise the evil you did under the demon’s control,” Angel replied. “I had a long time to come to terms with my monstrous actions. It’s not going to be easy, but you can work to make up for the evil you did. The Master isn’t the only threat out there and there are more people who are going to be in danger. Innocent people who need saving.”

“Because people are going to trust me,” Xander muttered.

“It’s not going to be easy,” Angel said. “There are going to be times the guilt is crippling. There might be times you close your eyes and see the people you’ve killed….”

“And those I hurt,” Xander interrupted, his eyes drawn to Angel’s now-covered chest.

“The demon in you was responsible for that.”

Xander swallowed, wishing that Angel hadn’t chosen to save him. He glanced away again. “Feels like it was me.”

“I’m not worried about you having hurt me.”

“I am.”

“Okay,” Angel said. “I’m not going to tell you to stop feeling guilty. I don’t know enough about this curse, enough about what’s been done to both of us, to say how easy it might be to lose it again. Other vampires can sense it. My…own sire could.”

“And the Master could smell it,” Xander added, eager to please.

Angel nodded. “Older vampires will be able to sense it. Younger vampires, perhaps not.” Glancing around the room, he added, “I assume you’re aware feeding on humans is no longer an option. When night falls, I’ll see what I can do about getting us blood. But if you’re hungry now….”

Xander shook his head. “I don’t think I can stomach it.”

“Starving yourself isn’t the answer.”

“Maybe it’ll solve the problem,” Xander commented morosely. “I’ll starve to death and it’ll remove one of the baddest…bad-asses around.” He raised his head as he felt eyes on him, meeting Angel’s gaze. “What?”

“I didn’t save you only for you to give in to your guilt and pain.” Looking around, Angel seemed to come to a decision. He sat down on the sofa and held his hand out. “Come here.”

“Why?”

“Things are going to be simpler if you don’t ask ‘why’ and just do,” Angel replied. “I’m not going to let your guilt cause you to do something stupid, so come here.”

He didn’t know how Angel planned to stop him feeling so guilty, but even though his feet dragged, Xander made his way over to the vampire’s side. When Angel reached out to grasp his wrist, his whole body went tense. And then Angel was pulling him forward across his lap. Xander’s hands shot out to catch his balance, but he was ashamed of the tiny squeak that escaped as he found himself across Angel’s knees.

“Do you need me to explain what I’m about to do?”

“No. I think I got that well enough,” Xander whispered, but couldn’t help adding, “Though I don’t see how a spanking is going to help. Can’t even touch on burning you with matches.”

“This isn’t about paying you back for what you did to me or anyone else. It’s about stepping in and letting you relieve even a tiny amount of the pain. Being tortured did a little bit to relieve some of the guilt tormenting me….”

“Then why aren’t you torturing me?” Xander held himself tense as his pants were tugged down. They were tight enough that Angel had to work to get them off his backside and down his legs and he closed his eyes as he felt cool air drift over his bare skin.

“Because you don’t deserve it.”

The crack of Angel’s hand on the bare skin of his ass made Xander jump. He was barely given a chance to fully absorb the pain of that smack before a second one landed, nearly on top of the first.

A whine grew deep in Xander’s throat as Angel spanked him hard, working over the entire skin of his bottom, from the very crest down to mid-thigh. When the vampire’s hand landed on the more sensitive spots on his sit spots and thighs, Xander’s legs jerked, but he forced himself not to kick. After all, he deserved so much more than this.

When the spanking got to the point Xander didn’t think he’d be able to take any more without crying out, Angel began speaking, his tone almost conversational as his palm continued to bounce off Xander’s bottom, heating it to an uncomfortable level. “How were you turned?”

“W-what…?” Xander frowned, struggling to think around the smacks that were landing unerringly on his backside. “You want to have a conversation now?”

“Did you ask for it?”

Tears filled Xander’s eyes. Tears that had nothing to do with the pain from the spanking. “Willow. She…she was turned first. By the Master, when he rose.” Guilt settled as a heavy weight in his stomach. “She always liked me. I….”

“Being turned into a vampire doesn’t just bring out the worst in you,” Angel said. “It makes you into the worst fiend you could possibly be, twisting everything that you once loved into darkness and pain. If Willow loved you before she was turned, that love became an obsession. She wanted you with her.”

“So she changed me into a monster.”

“She wasn’t your Willow anymore,” Angel replied.

Xander swallowed back the sob that wanted to rip from his throat, knowing that once he started, he’d break down completely. “Why me?”

Angel was silent for a few moments, but his hand landed in quick succession on Xander’s sit spots a total of six times to each before he spoke. “Why did you get your soul back? I can’t answer that.”

“M-maybe it was the Watcher…?” Xander’s tenuous control over his emotions was beginning to slip. His eyes watered, despite his attempts to hold back his tears. Blindly, he threw his hand back to cover his backside.

Angel merely moved his hand out of the way and began to focus more swats to his thighs. “The ‘why’ doesn’t matter. Only that it did happen.”

“And if I lose my soul again?”

Angel was silent for several more seconds. “If it happens and I don’t lose mine…I’ll stake you rather than let you turn into a monster again.”

It was too much, the pain in his bottom combining with Angel’s promise to break him down emotionally. Xander closed his eyes as the tears streamed out of them, soaking his face as he slumped over Angel’s lap.

The spanking stopped and Xander felt the older vampire’s hand on his back, rubbing gently. He couldn’t help but relax under the soothing touch. Maybe he wasn’t fully a monster, if Angel was able to treat him gently after giving him this well-deserved punishment.

Maybe…just maybe…he had the chance to make up for all the evil he’d done after all.

The End