A Monster

Summary: Sam reaches out to Dean
Notes & Warnings: Some references to violence
Spoiler up to: Season five

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Dean

I kind of feel like writing a letter is the only way you’ll listen to my apologies. I know you keep saying we’re cool. Ruby played me and after you were dragged into hell, it wasn’t like there were many other people I could trust. I know I should have gone to Bobby, but it was Ruby who was there at the time; and even though no one could have filled the void you left, Ruby at least gave me something to stay focused on. I shouldn’t have trusted her. I know that now, of course, but…well, hindsight.

I’ve thought long and hard about what I could say to you, but the truth is, nothing I could say would change anything. You don’t trust me anymore. I don’t blame you. I deserve it. I promise, no matter what you think of me, it’s no worse than what I think of myself.

I really don’t blame you for how you feel, Dean, but if you can’t forgive me, if you don’t think we can be brothers again, I’m not going to be able to stick around. I’m not trying to guilt trip you or make you feel bad, or even tell you how to feel, but I don’t think either of us are going to deal well if we can’t fix this.

If you do think we can move past this, then I have a request. I’ve put a Do Not Disturb sign on the door. If you decide to stay with me and that you can forgive me, when you return to the room, you’ll find me bent over my bed, pants and briefs pushed down around my ankles and with my belt placed next to me.

I know what I’m asking of you. It’s been a long time since you’ve had to take me in hand and I know it’s not an experience either of us particularly enjoy, although you can’t tell me you wouldn’t get any satisfaction out of it this time.

I just want things to go back to the way they were and if that means you beating my ass? I can’t say I’m going to enjoy it, but that’s not really the point. No matter how much it might hurt, it will be worth it.

I can only hope you’re as willing to fix things between us as I am, no matter how uncomfortable it might be for both of us.

Sam